So I’m a Little Mad Right Now

Facebook is evil.  Ok, so it isn’t really.  But right now I’m not feeling so well disposed towards it.  I’m more pissed off with men though.  And I know it’s not fair to overgeneralise.  But he seemed like one of the good ones.  He even told me that even though it seemed like he was being a bastard, he actually wasn’t.  And because I’m the queen of naivety, I decided to try and trust him.  Fortunately I never did truly trust him, so that when things went completely wrong, it wasn’t entirely unexpected.  It was still a shock, as in I wasn’t expecting it to end the way it did, but the end had been expected.  Actually, given my lack of trust in him, I had been sort of planning on ending it for a while.  It was something I kept putting off though in the hope that things would change.  Anyway, now I know for sure that he was a complete bastard.  I’m much better off out of it.  Yay.  And at least I can hold my head up high.  Kind of.  Of course I should have known better.  But at least I can be sure the bad feelings won’t last for long.  I’ll be over this new bit of news soon enough.  Again, it was half expected really.  I just can’t believe he really was being such a bastard.  Grrrr.

Oh and just to completely restore my faith in humanity, I’ve come to the conclusion that Matriarch really doesn’t want anything to do with The Child.  The latest attempt to get the two together resulted in Matriarch just not turning up.  Not even a phone call to say she couldn’t be bothered.  And when The Ex kicked off later on, the defence was that they (as in The Family) forgot.  Now, The Child doesn’t need relatives like that.  I know she’s best off out of it, but it still depresses me.  Oh well.  Onwards and upwards and all that.  I just wonder what will happen next.  Hmm.

Freud

Well, we started the third module of my counselling skills course yesterday.  It’s about psychodynamics, which is kind of linked to Freud.  Ok, it’s a lot linked to Freud given that it’s evolved from his theories.  Anyway, I felt like a right nerd yesterday given that I know loads about this stuff.  I always did find it easy to remember what I’d learned about Freud at uni.  His theories were so outlandish.  And they were so easy to criticise.  Even the ones that made sense.  Anyhow, I think I’m going to enjoy this module a lot, as psychodynamics basically makes use of the bits of Freud that make sense, rather than the mad insane stuff.  I hope people don’t expect me to know everything though.  At uni we learnt about Freud really.  We didn’t cover the psychodynamic method of counselling.  It is very interesting though, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to make use of it.  Ok I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to make use of it.  It’s scary how much I’m learning about myself on this course actually.  It’s proved very useful when dealing with all the crap this year has dealt me so far. 

Oh, and on a side note, I’m still keeping up with the guitar practice.  Maybe I’ll actually persevere this time.  Maybe all the self analysis stuff I’ve been doing with this course has helped me find some sort of motivation?  Or maybe certain things have just forced me to reassess what’s important to me.  Music is important to me, so perhaps I should focus on that while I still can.  I’m letting the diary thing slide though.  I’m not sure if avoiding certain issues is a good thing though.  Perhaps I should break out the diary and face the crap as well as attempt to play my guitar.  But I don’t want to push things too much.  Not that I’m making excuses or anything.  No.  Nothing of the sort.  Hmm.

Another Rant

I’m going to have another rant about The Ex.  Now, we have been getting along OK recently.  It’s been a while since he last went a bit nuts on me, and I’ve been almost comfortable referring to him as a friend.  Now, to be honest this isn’t really a huge big deal or anything.  I’m just sick of him lying to me.  And now he’s trying to get The Child to lie to me.  Fortunately she’s a bit too young still to do this on behalf of other people.  Now she’ll deny knowledge of things she’s done herself, or blame it on her toy penguins, but she won’t lie to me about what The Ex gives her for tea when he has her on Thursdays.  Now, she has this thing for egg and pasta at the moment.  To be honest, I don’t like egg, so we don’t have that at home.  It means she’s unlikely to stop eating it too.  And yes, it does sound like a very boring, uninspiring meal.  She loves it though, and it is only once a week.  It’s also very easy to cook, and cheap.  I don’t see the problem really.  So anyway, according to The Ex, they had egg and pasta for tea yesterday.  Fine.  No problem.  On the way to school this morning, The Child informs me that they actually went to McDonalds for tea.

Now, before anyone thinks I’m about to start laying into McDonalds, I’m not.  It’s fine as the occasional treat.  In fact, I’d only asked that The Ex not take her there for a while because I know he’s taken her there a lot recently.  So, I guess he lied because he thought I’d be cross?  I’d have been annoyed yes, but probably not cross.  I am cross he lied to me about it though.  But to give me credit I didn’t fire off an angry text or anything.  I sent a polite request for him to just be honest in future.  Perfectly reasonable I think.  And I know The Child wasn’t just saying things, because she said the same thing she said after telling me what she was getting me for Christmas, and for Mother’s Day.  She asked me not to tell The Ex that she had told me.  At least she’s still honest to me about things like this.  I’m just worried he’s going to turn her into a compulsive liar like the rest of The Family are.  I’m sure he won’t, given that I have a fair amount of influence, but it’s still a major concern of mine.  Oh well.

At least it was only a McDonalds though.  Could have been a lot worse.

Guitar

Well, for the first time in ages I got my guitar out.  I finally sorted out my fingernails again last night.  I’m really lazy with my nails and just leave them to grow forever.  Naturally I have to cut them right down to play my guitar.  Not that I can play it well.  Not that I can play it at all really.  I am rubbish at teaching myself things.  Maybe my motivation is the issue, but I’m not sure.  But anyway, I remembered to cut my fingernails last night, and filed them right down so I could attempt to play my guitar again.  I love my guitar.  Even when I’m not going through a guitar playing phase, it’s still my most treasured possession.  If I pass guitar shops in town (we have a couple now actually), I have to stop and look through the windows.  I don’t why, but there’s just something about guitars that draws me.  So yeah, I’m going through a guitar phase again.  I just hope I can try and motivate myself to stick at it this time.  Once upon a time I wasn’t too bad with the few chords I know.  I need to try and get back into it again.  Even if I am rubbish.

Tempting Fate?

Ok, I’m probably tempting fate here, but I am going to say that I think I might just have survived this Easter holiday.  Only one more day to go after this one.  Surely nothing can go wrong.  Then again, I said that about the year in general, and it got worse.  A lot worse.  But things might get better?  Like I might get through this holiday in one piece?  Actually, I have this awful feeling that something else will go wrong.  It’ll probably turn out that I was supposed to be at work today when I thought I had the day off.  Hmm.  Oh well.

Actually I might have tempted fate where the weather’s concerned.  It’s been rubbish since I bought The Child her new swimsuits.  We even had a mild winter after I bought my wellies.  Sod’s Law I guess.  Grrr.  Actually, the mild winter wasn’t a bad thing.  I just wouldn’t mind it being a bit drier and warmer now.  But then again, it is April.  But I shall try not to tempt fate anymore for a while.  After the nightmare of this holiday anyway.  Though I suppose it hasn’t been that bad really.  I’ve managed to avoid town pretty well.  But despite the weather, the tourists are here in droves.  They wouldn’t bother me too much if they didn’t act like morons.  Seriously.  I know I get a bit disoriented sometimes when I go back to Leeds, but town isn’t all crammed down one street there.  And the shops move around.  The only shops that move around here are the ones full of cheap tat.  And we’re talking opening up again across the road here, or a bit further down.  Not relocating to a completely different area of town.  And even at my worst moments back in Leeds, I never stand around in shop doorways.

And why does my spell checker not like the word wellies?  For some reason it wants me to replace the ‘e’ with an ‘i’?  Hmm.

Teeth

So, I’m just a wee bit grossed out.  Silly really considering that whenever I had wobbly teeth I’d sit and wobble them non-stop until they fell out.  The Child is being more restrained.  But given that she can move it from side to side now…

So, I have a feeling it really won’t be long before wobbly tooth two is out.  In some ways this will be a relief.  No more wobbly teeth for a bit.  I hope anyway.  And no more demonstrations of said wobbly teeth for a bit.  Now I can further sympathise with what me and my sisters put our parents through.  Joy.  The Child shall have a nice gap in the front of her mouth though when this tooth comes out.  Only on the bottom row mind.  I guess it’ll be the top front teeth out next.  And then more.  I’m pretty sure I was still losing baby teeth when I was nine though.  Maybe eight.  But I do recall having some out before I had my first brace.  I’m pretty sure the dentist hadn’t resorted to removing adult teeth at that point.  I am of course assuming I’ve never had any adult teeth removed.  Actually I could be a bit smug here and say the last time I was at the dentist (Wednesday), she was very impressed with the condition of my teeth.  And The Child’s for that matter.

Anyway, yeah.  Wobbly teeth aren’t so fun when they’re not your own.  In fact, they can prove both disturbing and quite disgusting.  Yay.

Money

Why is it that whenever I have money to spare I have nothing to spend it on, yet as soon as I’m broke, there’s tons that I want.  Yes I’m currently more broke than normal courtesy of all the spring birthdays.  The Child has a couple of birthday parties to go to this Easter as well (not that I’m jealous of her social life or anything. Grrr).  So, not much in the way of money.  Of course this means I see things, be it clothes for me or The Child, DVDs, CDs, or other things.  I need a job, so I have more money.  If I have more money, I won’t ever need to buy things.  Beyond the essentials of course.  Oh, and because I’m broke, The Child’s decided to grow again.  A new summer wardrobe needed?  I’m hoping that some of the clothes I bought for her last year still fit.  It’s not looking promising though.  Hmm.  Grrr.

I was bad though.  I did buy that Rammstein CD/DVD/Book set I found on Amazon.  It was a bargain though.  And essential to both my sanity and happiness.  And I haven’t treated myself since the Made in Germany box set.  Yeah, I might just need to get out more.

Job-hunting

Well, I can understand where people are coming from when they say there are no jobs.  Ok, technically not true.  There are loads of jobs.  However, I will say, there are no jobs.  Why?  Well, I need to work at least sixteen hours a week. Finding a job that provides enough hours is tricky.  Most available jobs require previous experience.  Now, it sounds kind of pathetic really but I have no previous experience working in a shop.  And what experience I do have is technically well out of date.  If there are hundreds of people applying for every available job, is it any wonder that lots of us feel there are no jobs available.  Oh, and there are many I haven’t applied for because even though they are offering more than sixteen hours a week, they want people who can work evenings.  That of course would provide me with major childcare issues.  I cannot work up to eleven o clock at night.  So, I keep looking.  I need something by July.  I am beginning to panic again.  Joy.  Oh, and I can only assume I’m not going to get any of the jobs I have applied for, given they were wanting people to start at Easter, and I haven’t heard anything from them.  Yay.

On a lighter note, The Child has lost her first tooth.  And she has a second wobbly tooth too.  She’s growing up so fast.  I can’t quite believe it.  And though I may have moment where I miss my little baby, I really couldn’t go through it all again.  So that’s something at least.

Oh, and the counselling skills course is still keeping me somewhat sane.  I’m still enjoying it, and therefore still depressed that I won’t be able to do any further courses.  Grrr.  At least I have something to aim for when I have money.  I’m still not sure if I’m glad I’ve found this or not.  Hmm.