Am I Really to Blame for Everything?

Another run in with The Ex.  These really are getting all too common.  This one was one of the bad ones where I was left feeling scared though.  I hate that he can still make me feel like that.  I hate feeling so vulnerable.  And it leaves me feeling just a little bit pathetic.  We split up almost four years ago now.  How can he still make me feel so small?  I’m pretty sure I’m not the evil harridan he makes me out to be though.  I hope I’m not otherwise I’m one hell of a megabitch.  I don’t want to be a megabitch.  I usually try to be polite and inoffensive.  Yes I’m painfully shy, but that’s as close as I come to being rude.  I can be snappy with people I’m close to when I’m tired or ill or stressed, but that still doesn’t make me a she devil does it?  I am only human after all.  But when he starts screaming at me that I said this or I said that, he won’t let me defend myself.  I’ll try and explain that he’s twisting my words, or taken something out of context, or made it up completely, but he just won’t listen.  And he gets nastier and nastier.  Maybe I am just pathetic.  But I bounce back now.  It’s easier to when you don’t live with it.  I’m just glad my parents were there to help me get out when I did.

So, I know that I’m not really to blame for everything.  It’s when he’s on the attack that it’s difficult to see sense.  And even when I can see sense, it’s almost impossible to get the point across, as he just won’t listen.  He’ll talk over me when I’m trying to explain, and then get cross with me for saying nothing.  He won’t accept that I had tried to say something.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.  I think I need to move away from him really if things are going to get bad like this.  But I wouldn’t know where to go.  And he’d never forgive me if I moved away with The Child.  I have to think about her though, and this situation is not good for her at all.  Especially as he knows where we live.  And I have reason to think he still looks at my diary, and/or my phone.  He knows some personal things I haven’t told him about.  I really don’t like him very much right now.  Hmm.

Putting on a Brave Face

Well, I spent a great portion of the morning today feeling very low.  I can’t really say why.  Perhaps it was the weather.  Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m nowhere near where I hoped I would be at this point in my life.  Still, I’ve got plenty of time to turn things around.  And I did cheer up when The Child and me went round to my parents’ for the afternoon.  We had fish and chips for tea as well, which was a nice treat as I don’t have those very often.  It’s just one of those things really I guess.  As The Child doesn’t eat fish and chips, I don’t see it as worth traipsing out for them just for myself.  I’d much rather just cook something for the pair of us.  Anyway, I think I’ve decided I just need to try and ignore it when I’m feeling a bit down.  I need to force myself to feel positively about my situation in life.  And maybe things will get better soon.  When I get a job (I am trying not to think of it as ‘if’, but ‘when’) I might make new friends, and I might manage to create myself some sort of life beyond my family.  And maybe I shall move on from The Ex and meet someone suitable.  I might not though, but in that case I’m probably better off on my own.  I’m probably better off on my own anyway of course.

So, there it is, I need to put on a brave face and go out there.  I need to stop letting things get me down.  And I must find a job before July, so that The Child and I aren’t forced to move into a hovel.  But bearing in mind another factory nearby has just been shut down, competition for jobs is going to be even fiercer.  Hmm.  No.  I shall manage to get myself a job, and very soon.  I’ll be fine.  The Child will be fine.  And maybe our current government will disappear, and perhaps some honest politicians can be found somewhere to run the place.  Honest politician.  An oxymoron perhaps?  Hmm.  Maybe I’m just being cynical.

The Things Kids Say

Well, I am both amused and a little freaked out by The Child’s plans for the future. Ok, she is only four, so it’s actually really no big deal whatsoever.  Anyway, whether she has a boy or a girl she’s apparently going to call her baby Daisy, and put flowers in his or her hair.  Not so bad a plan admittedly, except the boy with the girly name and flowers in his hair.  Then again, people would probably still know he was a boy.  I distinctly remember one day when The Ex and I had dressed our precious baby in a hideous all pink, frilly babygrow thing (purely because it was gift, and I’d have felt bad if it had never been worn at all) some people still asked us what “he” was called.  I was not amused.  But anyway, I digress.  The baby’s going to be called Daisy regardless of it’s sex.  The best bit though is that he/she is not going to have a dad.  He/she is going to have two mums, The Child and myself.  She wants to marry me when she’s bigger you see.  I’m not going to bother explaining the impossibility of this yet.  i shall save that for another day.  I’m sort of flattered that I am her current choice, but I think Freud would have a field day in this household.  At least she doesn’t want to marry The Ex when she’s bigger though.  Now that would be much worse.

A Run-In With The Ex

Joy.  The Ex seems to know an alarming amount about my life.  And we’re talking stuff I don’t exactly shout from the rooftops, like my current situation.  How he knows what’s going on I’d love to know.  Well, I have a guess, but I could be wrong.  I just wish The Ex would be straight with me, so I could sort this whole thing out.  Grrrrrrrrr.  But he can never be straight with me.  And it’s none of his business.  And he’s jumped to conclusions that probably aren’t even there.  Why can’t he just keep his nose out?  But then again he’s always tried to control me.  God knows what will happen if I ever actually meet anyone.  It'll probably never happen because The Ex will butt in as if I’m his property.  And I never was his property.  I am a person.  It is an ownership like thing though I think, this issue he has.  He used to tell people I was his wife back when we were still together, even though we weren’t ever married.  That used to really irritate me.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.  I’m just really cross that he’s reacted like this to something that isn’t what he thinks it is (at least I don’t think it is), that is none of his business anyway even if it was.  So yeah, it was a good day.

The Child was in a better mood this evening I think.  Perhaps she’s getting used to the full days at school?  Or maybe she was just in a good mood.  Who knows?  I’m not going to complain as it made for a nice pleasant evening.

I’m treating myself to a hair cut tomorrow.  Mind you, given it’s kind of necessary as my hair’s looking a bit of a mess, perhaps it’s not so much of a treat.  That and the fact I am rubbish at small talk.  Hmm.  Oh well.

Just When You Think You Know Where You Stand …

Well, The Child and I are two days in to her being at school for the full day, and we’re both struggling.  She was grumpy this morning, and on the way home.  I was grumpy this morning, and had a nap about lunchtime.  I was therefore a bit less grumpy on the way home.  Hmm.  Perhaps I’ll wait until we’re a bit more settled into this routine before job hunting.  And no, it’s not just an excuse.  While I’m feeling like this I don’t think I’d do a particularly good job of persuading someone to give me a job.  Hopefully we’ll be sorted by the end of the week though, or by the end of next week at the absolute latest.  I must get an early night tonight.

Anyway, this situation I’m in, well, I kind of managed to figure out where I was and where I stood and everything.  Turns out it’s not so simple.  Well perhaps it is.  I could be right.  But I’m not so sure again.  What I need to do is figure out how to turn into some unfeeling bitch.  Actually that’s not true.  I certainly need to be less sensitive.  And perhaps I could grow the balls to actually ask where I stand, though in different words of course.  But in a way I don’t want to force things.  I guess I’m a bit scared of what might be said.  Why can’t life be just a little bit easier.  At least I’m being more cautious than I was last year.  I might not have learned the lesson completely, but I learned something.  And I’m still not entirely sure how I actually feel myself.  Nostalgia or real?  Hmm.  I’ll have to think about it.  Or try and forget about it.  I don’t know.  Argh!

And to go back to the school topic, well today’s school run was a nightmare.  When they put a sign up asking parents not to pass the skittles, why can’t the parents actually stay put and not pass the skittles?  The Child couldn’t get into school because the gate in was blocked by a million parents who had passed the skittles.  Then there were those us capable of reading who hung back.  The Child managed to squeeze past, after being trodden on by numerous mums and dads.  Grrrr.  They can’t read, and they can’t look where they’re going.  Grrrrrrrr.  And it was pretty much the same deal at home time too.  Can you go and get your own child when they come out?  No, because a million idiots have surged forward, past the skittles, and are blocking the gate.  Not only can you not see your own kid, he or she can’t see you.  The whole thing gets gridlocked, and there are loads of panicked kids trying to find their parents among the crowd.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Just a minor irritation though.  And The Child still loves school.  She’s not so sure about the early mornings though.  Hmmm.  Just a few more days and we’ll be fine.  I shall keep telling myself this, and then I might actually come to believe it.  She’s going to bed early now though, and without complaint as well.  Yay.

A Testing Time?

Now this might be a bit of a rambling post.  I’m not sure yet.  I guess I just felt the need to write, and instead of choosing my diary (which I haven’t written in for an age.  I need to take that up again I think) I chose here.  Now, I’ve been feeling a bit lost I guess for a wee while now.  Perhaps it started with the summer holidays, when I became Mum on an entirely permanent basis for six weeks.  Perhaps with a little more time I shall find myself again.  I’m not able to define myself through my child.  I need to be someone separate to Mum.  I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing.  All I know is that for me parenthood is not enough.  I need something else, though I’ve still no idea what. 

I like writing though.  I always have.  I’ve written for as long as I can remember.  I'm not particularly good at it I don’t think, but that’s not the point.  I don’t write on here hoping that loads of people will read what I post.  I write on here because I need to write something somewhere.  And perhaps through doing this I might find myself again.  I need to write some of my book again, and I haven’t actually stopped that.  I just haven’t added much.  I’m lucky if I can manage a page a day at the moment.  And I know that taking a break can be a good thing sometimes, it’s a concern when I am actually feeling the need to write.  Perhaps it’s just a lack of inspiration right now.  I need to try and not let things distract me too much.  But do I really want to be completely insular?  As much as I want to write this book, I’m not convinced I shall ever be satisfied enough with it to ever try and publish it.  And if somehow I ever am, well, that’s no guarantee of success.  Actually, my generally cynical nature as well as statistics tells me how unlikely that will be.  And so my book is basically a work in progress about a subject I feel passionate about, and though I am trying to write something I might one day try and publish, it is still something I do more out of love of writing and creating a story, than out of ambition to be an author.  And as I’ve already said, I don’t actually think I’m talented enough to be an author.

So, one thing I love doing is writing.  It helps calm me a little when I’m stressed.  Sometimes, depending on what I’m writing it can even help me order my thoughts.  It can help me retain some sanity.  It’s something I should definitely do more of.  I need to return to my diary as well, to face any personal crises really as some things I don’t want to share here, just in case someone does read it.  I’ve not filled a diary since the Postie situation though.  Perhaps my experiences there put me off.  I know that whole thing helped me lose faith in men further.  And The Ex damaged me more than enough there.  I suppose the reason I still feel funny about the whole Postie thing was that occurred just as I was finally feeling able to ‘get back out there’ so to speak.  I was just beginning to build my confidence again.  And then he came along and knocked me back down again.  I really am far too naive.  And I haven’t learned much I don’t think. 

So, from The Ex I learned to fear a bad temper.  I learned not to commit to anything.  I learned not to settle.  Because of The Ex my standards should have been raised too high.  Instead I just think I’m one hell of a damaged individual.  I long to meet someone I can commit to, who can love me and who I can love in return.  I just want to be happy.  Yet because of The Ex, I’m untrusting when someone seems interested.  I go cool, and all but run in the other direction.  But then, just a tiny bit of encouragement and I get my hopes up.  I try not to give that fact away by attempting to remain cool.  Whether I am too cool, or whether the facade is obvious I don’t know.  I guess that’s part of the reason I feel so let down by my confrontation with Postie.  It wasn’t really a confrontation of course, but I did attempt to find out if he had an issue with me.  When he denied that fact it was fair enough.  Except that he was clearly lying.  But what happened a week or so later, when it became obvious that there was a definite problem, well, that was cruel.  Of course, what he said might not have been for my ears.  I was holding a screaming child, and he was speaking with a lowered voice.  He was also on the phone to his girlfriend.  Ok, that is an assumption on my part, but what he said to The Child just prior to The Comment implied it was the girlfriend he was on the phone to.  I don’t know.  I just think I'm a hopeless case and a lost cause when it comes to men now.  I’m someone they should approach with caution.  I’m way too neurotic.  And I’m still somewhat mortified by the fact that I’m in my mid/late twenties, and the only boyfriend I’ve ever actually had was The Ex.  Hence him being The Ex rather than an ex. 

And despite the above, I know I should not be convinced that there’s something wrong with me, but I can’t help it.  I am a complete headcase.  But admitting there’s a problem is the first step towards recovery right?  Perhaps there’s hope for me yet.  And I can hold my head high when I pass Postie in the street.  I won’t risk saying ‘hello’ yet though.  I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea of course.  And there I am, able to look back on that period with humour now.  Yay.  It was only just over a year ago.  I’ve only very recently got over some of the stuff with The Ex and The Family.  But I guess that went on for a longer period.  In a way it still continues.  I should hate him really, The Ex.  I just don’t have the energy or inclination though. 

But you would think I’d have learnt to be more guarded with my feelings wouldn’t you?  Actually, the current situation, I think I am being guarded enough.  I’m not as something as could be.  I’m just a bit confused and lost in myself.  The situation may have contributed, but it’s by no means a cause.  And if I’d been feeling happy and secure lately, I’d probably be completely unaffected whatsoever.  It’s just a ‘what if’ scenario.  Nothing more.  And I am trying to convince myself of that.  I am.  And for the most part I’m succeeding.

And yes, it was a long rambling kind of post.  It probably doesn’t make sense either, but never mind.  I just wanted to get my feelings down I guess.  And now I have, I feel somewhat lighter.  Hopefully the feeling will last for the rest of the day.  And I am free until half twoish, when I have to set off to pick The Child up from school.  In theory I’m really free until two fifty-five.  Woohoo!  And after the weekend I’ve just had, the break is refreshing.  I’m sure I’ll feel a bit lost by pick up time though.  Oh well.

Twits and Fairies

Well, today I’ve been pondering the difference between twits and fairies.  Mainly because The Child got them confused in spectacular fashion.  “Look Mum, it’s a twit!”  “No, it’s a fairy godmother.”  “Look Mum, more twits!”  “No, they’re fairies.”  Was a fun morning. 

There is one person who is undoubtedly a twit though, and that’s me.  I won’t go into specifics, but I really should have seen it coming and I didn’t.  Hmm.  I’m much too naive I think.  I definitely need to start facing the big bad world, and get me some life experience, beyond being messed around by a guy who allegedly loves me.  And having a child way too young.  Though not everyone considers twenty-three too young.  It’s younger than ideal though.

I feel so confused though, and unsure what it is I’m actually feeling.  Not that it really matters given the circumstances.  I just don’t want to get hurt again.  And I really regret that joke I made to my mum recently.  What could possibly happen to me?  Hmm.  Yeah.  But maybe it’s not that bad.  Or maybe it is.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Things The Child Says Because of Me

• For God’s sake!
• Oh my God!
• Dammit!
• What the hell?
• Jesus!

It could be worse though.

Things she’s got from other people:

• Hey guys
• Bingo (never used in context)
• I didn’t even know (never used in context)

It’s amazing she hasn’t picked up more yet really.  Or perhaps she has and she just hasn’t said whatever it is in front of me yet.  Hmmm.  Must watch what I am saying more when I’m with her.  I’m just waiting for her to share bits of conversations I’ve had with people now.  That’ll be fun when it happens.

The Model of Fatherhood

Psycho does it again!  Hew excels himself each time I think.  His kid has just moved over from America.  For some reason I think Psycho might have full custody or something now.  Though I’m not entirely sure.  I obviously get all my information via The Ex, and he’s not entirely reliable.  Neither is Psycho it seems.  His son’s only been here for a fortnight, and he’s already being foisted on Matriarch for the weekend.  Psycho and The Canadian are busy you see with the biker weekend thing.  They can’t possibly be parents this weekend.  Charming.  And the poor kid’s probably still adjusting right?  For all my own imperfections, I would never do that to The Child.  I wouldn’t be able to.  And this biker weekend thing is voluntary too.  It’s not like they’re being paid to help out there or anything.  Hmm.  So, Psycho is clearly the perfect model of fatherhood.  Twat.

The Real World Beckons

Well, on Monday The Child starts school full time.  In a way it will be a huge relief.  Two and a half hours just isn’t long enough to get much done, especially when you deduct the twenty minutes devoted to walking to school in order to pick her up.  Having the bulk of the day in order to get things done will be nice, but I shall miss her.  It will be strange not being interrupted every few minutes, but nice.  I’ll probably bawl my eyes out Monday morning.  Bless her.  She’s so grown up now. 

She was at the hospital yesterday, and the appointment wasn’t cancelled!  She was seen!  And she’s being referred to a physiotherapist for exercises to strengthen the muscles.  She doesn’t have any problems yet, but left on its own problems could develop so I’m glad we got her checked out.  And the consultant wants to see her again in six months.  I still hate hospitals though.

And so the change is almost complete.  Once The Child has started full time, the job hunting can commence.  I might give myself a week to adjust though.  Or is that too generous?  I suppose I can just see what’s going next week, and take it from there.  I’ve never done this before though, so it’s a bit nerve-wracking.  Hopefully I’ll find something bearable, and who knows, I might even make some friends.  I could do with knowing a few more people around here.  The Ex isn’t exactly ‘best buddy’ material.

I need to get out of my little bubble.  It’ll do me good.  And who knows, I might encounter more madness.  I’m not sure if that would be good or bed though.  Perhaps a bit of both?  Then again, if I’m as crazy as I’m beginning to suspect I am, perhaps I can provide the madness.

Oh, and here’s a bit of madness.  I’ve been stupid enough to broach the topic of The Past with The Ex.  It wasn’t a particularly good idea.  We ended up falling out again.  I don’t really understand why it’s such a big deal for him.  Maybe things aren’t as sorted between us as I thought?  Anyway, I think that’s what started this whole awkward phase with him.  It’s over a month since I first brought this up though, but it has been an on and off thing for a few weeks now.  Perhaps I have too many questions.  Or maybe he’s just super sensitive about it.  Or maybe he’s not as over everything as me.  I wish he’d just tell me the problem, then perhaps I wouldn’t be so tense around him.  The tension thing will only exacerbate things of course.  I’m not good to know when I’m being tense and stressy.  Hmm.  A few of my friends are being all nostalgic though, so it’s not just me.  I guess it serves a purpose if something can be learned from the past, or if things can be put to rest.  I’m holding so much baggage, I could do with some offloading I think.  But it’s not so good when it just throws things in the present off kilter, with no obvious sign of anything being resolved.  I need to do a serious case of moving on.  A new job, new friends (while staying in touch with the old ones too of course), that’s what I need I think.  I hope.  And I hope I get it sorted soon.  So, down the jobcentre Monday?  Or leave it a week?  Decisions.  Not my strong point.  Hmm.  And I really need to stop wittering on about the same things over and over.  Oh well.

Woohoo!

The Ex isn’t angry with me anymore!  This means tomorrow’s trip to the hospital with The Child shouldn’t be so painful.  Unless he decides to go spontaneously mental at me again.  Hmm.  Hopefully he’s got it out of his system for the time being.

Fingers crossed tomorrow’s hospital appointment hasn’t been cancelled.  If not, we might finally get some answers regarding The Child’s tiptoeing.  Yay.  And now I wonder if I should have also mentioned the headbanging.  Though to be honest she doesn’t really do that anymore.  Certainly nothing like she used to anyway.  And yes, I am the complete opposite of a hypochondriac.  Whatever that might be.  Just hope I never get anything life threatening as I will totally be rolling on the floor in agony before I go and see anyone about it.  That’s why I’ve been avoiding the doctors like the plague, despite the whole feeling very down and stuff lately.  To be frank, I don’t think there’s anything they can do to help me.  I know the problem, and only I can figure out the solution.  Hmm.  Must work on that then.

And the last positive that I can think of now.  My trip to Leeds on 1st October could well be going ahead.  Babysitters are confirmed.  I just need to reschedule The Ex.  Hopefully it shall all go to plan, and I shall get my (admittedly brief) escape from the seaside.  At least it’s quieter in town now.

See, I can be optimistic when I try really hard.  And I’m aware I might have spelt woohoo wrong.  I’ve no idea if there’s a standardised spelling for that.  And to be honest, I don’t really care.  It’s not a proper word anyway.

Oops

Seems I’ve really upset/angered The Ex this time.  He’s carried on the argument today, until we just ceased texting.  I figured it was safer to just not respond in the end.  I still don’t know what I’ve done to incense him so, and I guess this is what it used to be like.  It is good to be reminded of this though.  It’s really good to know that I wasn’t always just overreacting before, and that my feelings were somewhat justified.  I can only assume he is generally stressed out at the moment or something.  And if that’s the case, punishing me is not the answer.  And unlike before, I do defend myself now.  When it’s worth the energy anyway.  Grrr.

On a positive, I might be escaping this place for a day trip to Leeds soon.  Can’t wait.  I need to get away, and I do miss Leeds when I’ve been away from it for a while.  I’m still not sure I’d want to move back there though.

The Ex

Well, things with The Ex are becoming interesting.  Possibly.  We’ve been arguing a fair bit again lately, but today I think I might have just got to the bottom of what his problem is.  And despite some of the things he says, I don’t think it’s my parenting skills.  Today’s nugget was “You always put the chores before The Child!”  Ok, he didn’t actually call her the child, but you get the picture.  Now how he would know if I ever put any chores before The Child I wouldn’t know, but in any case, I won’t let it get to me because we both know it’s not true.  But he says these things every time we argue, and at times it’s almost as though we’re still together.  It reminds me of the constant criticisms, and how no matter what I did it was never right.  So I’m not perfect, but I don’t think I’m really as awful as he made out.  And if he really thought that, then he wouldn’t have the problem he currently has.  And because of a text he sent me earlier I can conclude the real problem is that he knows I regret getting together with him in the first place.  Now I haven’t actually said this to him in so many words, but I guess he’s picked up enough hints to have worked it out.  Silly me for giving myself away I suppose.  I need to get better at hiding the real me again i think.  Hmm. 

I know I can be a nightmare, but there are plenty of people out there who are worse parents than me.  I just wish he wouldn’t pick on something I am very sensitive about.  And I’m only sensitive about it because I do actually think I’m a rubbish mother.  The silly thing is, before The Child was born I actually thought everything would be ok.  I know deep down I kind of knew it wouldn’t be, but I really hoped it would.

Now I just need to find out what I really want from life, and how I might go about achieving it.  I really have no idea though.

Fears

I’ve come to the conclusion that apart from giant mutant spiders (and admittedly the not so giant ones as well) the only thing that scares me is not being in control.  Now I’m not a controlling type person in that I don’t try to control other people.  I just need to be completely in control of me and what’s happening with me in my life.  If that makes sense.  I guess this is why I find some aspects of parenthood very stressful.  I want The Child to be her own person completely, but I just wish her presence did not limit the control I can exert on my surroundings.  Our household is our of control.  The rooms are always a mess, and though this is normal when children are present, if it’s not my own mess I do find it a little difficult to deal with.  Hmmm.  I really do need to lighten up.

Of course, the control thing feeds into other stuff as well, like my decision to never cohabit with anyone again.  I’ve done the sharing of space, and it’s just not for me.  Territorial, need to control my habitat stuff at play there.  Perhaps I’m just terrified of being hurt again.  Physically as well as emotionally.  I’m a psychoanalyst’s dream possibly.  Then again, I might not be messed up enough.  And I’m sorry to say that I don’t think any of it’s down to my parents.  I’m not actually sorry to say that of course.  It’s a good thing.  Unless you’re a psychoanalyst of the Freud ilk who likes to blame everything on the parents. 

Of course, understanding the issue is only the first step to solving the problem.  And I could be wrong.  Perhaps I’m just a big commitmentphobe.  Simple as.  I like to think that should I meet someone who’s genuinely nice and stuff, I might be able to set aside all my issues.  But knowing me I’ll just do my usual and run for the hills, just to play it safe.  I’m in no danger of meeting anyone right now though.  The only guys I know are The Ex, married, or gay.  Safe see?  Hmm.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Ok, in my battle against the giant mutant spiders the score has now shifted.  Me-2, spiders-0.  There was a giant one climbing up my bedroom wall when I was sat up in bed reading in the middle of the night.  Not something I needed to deal with at two in the morning.  Grrrr.  I managed to take control of the situation though, so perhaps I’m getting a bit better.  Then again …

We had some bad news today.  Our nice normal new neighbours might be moving.  Noooooooooooooo.  Oh well.  They said that if they do they’ll stay in touch, but it could be that The Child’s first relationship won’t last much longer.  I’m sure the heartbreak won’t last too long though.  Children bounce back so quickly.  Still, I can understand their reasons for wanting to move, even if it is a shame.

The Child has her hospital appointment next week.  I really hope it goes all right.  I’ll scream if she has to wear special shoes or anything though, having just forked out for her school shoes.  And there is also the fact that she should have been seen months ago.  I’m still pissed off that they kept cancelling her appointment.  Grrrr.  I’m nervous though, just in case there is anything up with her feet.  At least I’ll find out at long last.

Just one more week of half days, and then The Child starts school full time.  I really hope she takes to it ok.  The first week went well, but we’ll have to wait and see.  At least she doesn’t have a scary teacher like I did.

My first teacher used to make us all sit on the carpet with our hands on our heads if someone had done something naughty.  We had to sit like that until the culprit owned up.  The culprit rarely did, and so the whole class was punished.  I think it just scared us into never owning up.  She also told me off for telling tales when I told her I was being bullied.  I wasn’t telling tales, as I was genuinely being bullied.  Because of my teacher, I never told my parents as I didn’t want to be told off further.  I still don’t tell people when something’s wrong as I don’t want to inconvenience them.  I really hope The Child will be able to tell me if she ever gets bullied.  I know my parents wish I’d told them.

I hope there aren’t any mutant spiders tonight.

Me-1 Spiders-0

Kind of anyway.  If I don’t include the one that got away a couple of weeks ago.  And the one the other night that also escaped, though without most of its legs.  And the one the other night wasn’t too big.  But tonight’s was a biggie, just inside the bathroom doorway.  And I still need to wash my hair in there tonight.  Hmm.  Best not be ambushed from behind, or I will be far from amused.  Perhaps I need to start stashing the conkers, if only to find that that myth is indeed just that.  A myth.  But I can’t take too many spiders.  The fear is too intense. 

Yes, I’m a huge huge wimp.

Nostalgia

I think the nostalgia bug might be going round.  At first, I thought my problem was merely due to The Child starting school and it being a major turning point in my life.  However, I think it’s hit a few other people too, hence the high school reunion thing.  I’m not going to go I don’t think.  Unless my friends go.  And I can get a babysitter.  But an overnight stay in Leeds wouldn’t be particularly doable for me right now I don’t think.  And that’s even if I decided I did want to go.  Anyway, I’ve been thinking of the ‘What Ifs’, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing.  And the whole nostalgia thing has proved disastrous for others.  Fortunately the worst that’s happened with me is that I started a huge row with The Ex.  And it wasn’t that huge a row really.  Not as big as the row we had about me not wanting him to undermine my parental decisions.  That was a fun afternoon.  But I digress.  It seems The Ex has a fair few regrets himself.  They mostly centre around trivial things he holds responsible for our break up.  He has totally ignored the fact that we weren’t compatible, and didn’t love each other.  Well, I don’t believe he still loved me by the time we split up anyway, no matter what he says.  I tried to convince him though that regardless of whether we stayed in Leeds or not, we would have split up eventually.  And regardless of whether he’d reined in that temper or not, we weren’t right for each other.  Of course, the temper didn’t help, and even made me scared of him on occasion, but it wasn’t our sole problem by any means.  Anyway, I’ve been doing my own head in thinking over things I shouldn’t dwell on.  It does no good.  I can’t change anything in the past.  But I do know what I would change if I could.  Whether things would work out better for me though I couldn’t say.  Perhaps the life path I took, and continue to take is what’s best for me.  I’m not happy though.  But if I’d not made such and such a decision, I might still have ended up miserable.  Who knows.

Reading

The Child brought home a book from school today.  Now it’s not a reading book as such in that she’s not expected to read it herself yet.  Instead I am supposed to read it to her and discuss it.  Not really homework for us, as that’s a normal bedtime, me reading her a story and talking about it.  Of course, now I feel obliged to try and help her read a bit.  Sort of.  She got a bookmark with the book with some guideline questions to ask.  One of the questions was about the number of words on certain pages.  The Child didn’t grasp this task so easily.  Ok, she didn’t grasp it at all.  I think I must have explained it very badly.  Or maybe she was just trying to wind me up.  She kept counting the letters rather than the words.  I did try, and I think she was genuinely trying too.  We’ll keep it up though.  The book’s ours until Tuesday I think.  And she understood the story fine.  She’s still obsessed with owls, so an owl book was a good thing for her to bring home.  Of course, she chose it herself.  Well, that’s what she told me anyway.  And just to let my pride show a little bit, The Child’s come home with a few stickers this week for good behaviour.  Wish she’d behave at home too, but I shouldn’t complain.  And there’s plenty of time for school behaviour to disintegrate.  Hmm.  Now I’m going to worry myself.

The Child’s really opened up about school though.  We’ve had some really lovely conversations since Monday, and I really can call them conversations too.  My baby’s growing up, and I’m not sure whether I like this fact or not.  I do really, but I feel a bit lost now.  And how much have I gone on about this recently?  I don’t know.

School!

Well The Child had her first day of school today.  I think it was a success.  When we got up, the first thing she wanted to do was get dressed in her uniform.  She was so thrilled with her appearance, modesty not being a quality she has acquired yet.  And then all through the morning she kept asking if it was time to go.  Perhaps I should have opted for the morning sessions for her?  But then again, all her friends from nursery opted for afternoons too, so I think the afternoons suit her best really.  Anyway, when we got to school she didn’t stop for a kiss or cuddle before following her teacher in.  In fact, she was first in line to get into the building.  I felt a mixture of relief and something else.  I miss my little baby now she’s all grown up, but I managed not to embarrass either of us by crying.  I don’t do crying in public if it can be avoided.  She had a huge smile for me when I went to pick her up though, which was nice.  And she kept telling me all about her day on the way home. 

I read her ‘Starting School’ by Janet and Allan Ahlberg at bedtime tonight, and using the model in the book I got her to tell me even more about her first day.  She was even comparing her first day to that of the children in the book.  It was so nice to see her so excited.  I hope the positive feelings about school remain.  And I hope she will keep talking to me about school just in case anything awful, such as bullying, occurs.  It’s also just nice to hear that she’s had a fun afternoon playing with her friends.  And it really was such a relief today.  I’m so pleased she had a good time.

And when she starts full time, I can start trying to get myself sorted.  Hopefully we’ll find ourselves a nice new routine that works, and hopefully I’ll get sorted with a job soon.  Maybe I’ll be a little happier then too.  It can be very lonely sometimes.

A Confession

Ok, I am not work shy.  I have been planning to get a job when The Child starts school since before she was born.  However, I confess that for many reasons, now that the time is upon me I am terrified.  Reasons?  Well:

• I haven’t worked since I was at uni, and I only had a simple waitressing job.

Of course, that’s the reason I’m thinking a waitressing job would be perfect for now.  Of course, there might not be so many of those now that silly season’s over.  I try to be optimistic however, but it is difficult.

• I suffer from social anxiety.

Now this makes interaction with people I don’t know very difficult.  Hell, it can be tricky with people I do know at times.  I do have the self help book things to try and help me get over it, but it isn’t always easy.  And of course I worry about how this might affect my ability to get a job, as well as my ability to do the job in a manner that doesn’t make people think I’m a complete nutjob.

• I also have a tendency towards depression, though I am trying to fight it.

And as anyone who’s ever had depression can tell you, trying to feel motivated to do anything when you’re in a depression is not easy.  People are quick to judge though and it’s very unfair.  No appetite, no pleasure from anything.  Anyway, I won’t go on about it.  I do realise when I’m on a downward spiral now, and I do try and counteract it.  Doesn’t help with the attempts at optimism though.

• Although I have a degree, that guarantees nothing.

Just look at the numbers of unemployed graduates out there.  And they haven’t all been unemployed for the past four years bringing up a child.

• The Ex has always been negative about what jobs are available, and competition for these jobs.

I might just dismiss this one though, as when I mentioned I’m going to be looking soon he suddenly changed his tune.  Hmm.

• I will have to find something workable around school hours, and school holidays (six weeks at summer!  What does someone in my position do?)

Childcare is expensive.  Gingerbread have publicised the fact that working full time is pointless for a single parent.  Basically working more than twenty-four hours a week is not worth it, unless you enjoy your job, as any financial benefits that would have been obtained by extra hours suddenly disappear courtesy of childcare costs.  And childcare really isn’t cheap.  Especially if you’re on a low income.  When I had my last interview at the Jobcentre I asked about this, and it was confirmed by the Lone Parent Advisor.  Her advice was get as much help as possible from friends and family.  Fortunately I do have family nearby who can help a bit, but what about those who don’t?  I dread to think what they’re going to do.

• I’ve read too much on single parent forums.

There are many horror stories out there that I have come across while attempting to find out more information about what’s going on.  I won’t make that mistake again.  I’m not feeling so positive about anything now though.  Pushy, insensitive Jobcentre employees (admittedly I’d hate that job), a lack of available jobs that are workable hours, in some cases even a lack of childcare.  At least there will be childcare options available to me, even if I will struggle to afford them.

• The knowledge that if I don’t find a job by July, due to government cuts, The Child and I are as good as homeless.  And that’s even if The Ex starts paying his maintenance again.

This one just scares the living daylights out of me to be honest, and I’ll try and forget about at now or I won’t sleep.

 

Anyway, the basic thing here is that I need a job ASAP.  Childcare?  Hmm.  I’ll find the money somewhere, because The Child is a bit of a handful for my parents to manage for too long.  I only hope I manage to find a decent enough part-time job that gives me between sixteen and twenty-four hours a week, but no more than that, and is within school hours.  Oh yeah, and is preferably waitressing.  I really am trying to think positively, but when you get lovely people who know nothing of people in my situation (the judgemental twats who don’t bother finding out the facts that is) it doesn’t actually help with the motivation, as it makes people like me feel even worse.  Of course there are those out there who will fight their corner.  I try to, but from a more apologetic, please listen to me kind of place.  Anyway, I’m not sure I’m making any sense, so I think I’ll go now.

Books

 

I do love my books.  I admit I have never tried a Kindle or other such device, but aside from the initial cost of buying one, I am put off by the basic fact that it is not a book.  I need to be able to physically turn pages, smell the pages, etc.  Nothing smells like an old book.  Perhaps I am strange, but I could not live without books.  A favourite pastime of mine is to look around bookshops.  Even when there is nothing I want to buy, I can spend ages just wandering round a book shop.  The look of them, the feel of them, the smell of them.  Heaven. 

I also have a random fetish for stationary, but I won’t go into that here.

My Idea of Romance

The most romantic gesture I can think of right now would be for someone to serenade me with Spinal Tap songs. I can only assume this is due to the fact I have watched that film far too much lately, but hey.  Anyway, a nice rendition of Big Bottom might do it.  Only because my arse is completely flat mind.  Then again, there is my absolute favourite Tap song.  Stonehenge would totally win me over.  So there it is.  The way to my heart is Stonehenge.  Or possibly Big Bottom.

Yes it’s late, and I should probably go to sleep.

The Perfect Man List

A list I’ve compiled of all traits I find desirable.  In an effort to prevent myself from falling for the wrong guy, I have decided I shall consider no one who does not fulfil at least almost all of these criteria.  And yes, I am aware that means I shall probably be single for a very very long time.  Though it shall be totally through choice of course.

• Can drive.
• Has his own car.
• Is sensible with money (but not incapable of the occasional splurge).
• Is good looking (shallow I know, but we are talking perfection here).
• Is not averse to children (for The Child’s sake).
• Respects me.
• Has a decent job that he enjoys.
• Is funny/has a good sense of humour/etc.
• Gives me space.
• Is supportive.
• Has no strange hobbies.
• No longer lives with his parents.
• Has likeable friends (and introduces me to them).
• Is willing to dispose of spiders on my behalf, without making fun of my pointless phobia.
• Must not be arachnophobic.
• Preferably doesn’t have an obsessive love of sports (though some interest is ok).
• Good in bed.
• Rings when he says he will.
• Puts up with my bad habits/fussiness/etc., and may even find certain things endearing.
• Can play guitar (or possibly drums).
• Likes my cooking.
• Doesn’t blame all my problems on my hormones/lack of sex/my cynicism.
• Accepts that I have down days, and is supportive of this instead of getting irritated (he may excuse himself from my company for a few days if necessary).
• Is intelligent.
• Has common sense.
• Is good at DIY.
• Is not addicted to porn (though a collection of stuff is acceptable.  He is only human after all).
• No baggage from previous relationships (though can accept ex-wives/children if there’s no bitterness involved anywhere.  The Ex and myself have more or less managed it after all).
• Has a degree, or at least the intelligence required to get one (experience of uni is preferable though).
• Is a good cook.
• Has good taste in music, though accepts my occasional need for trash.
• Enjoys reading, and has a good sizeable collection of decent books.
• Has nice, pleasant relatives who are easy to get along with, and don’t pry into his business too much.
• Has good personal hygiene.
• Is not overly jealous or controlling.
• Is older than me.
• Doesn’t want any children/any more children.
• Loves me.
• Doesn’t freak out about my past stuff.
• Sees the humour in The Ex and The Family situation.
• Has no racist, homophobic, or fascist inclinations a la Psycho.
• Doesn’t smoke.
• Has no addictions of any kind, and doesn’t drink too much (coffee is allowed though).
• Never stands me up (any lateness comes forewarned).
• Is not religious.
• Preferably has a full head of hair.
• Is good at giving massages.
• Doesn’t freak out about this list.

Hopes for this Month

• That The Child settles in at school ok.
• That we don’t get too many colds, or other bugs for that matter.
• That the bulk of mad tourists go home and stay there.
• That job hunting isn’t too difficult (I’ve heard many not so inspiring stories lately about the job market).
• That the weather might brighten up a little before proper autumn kicks in (assuming that it hasn’t kicked in already of course).
• That I don’t make the mistake of getting my hopes up too much about anything.
• That I’m not too cynical about stuff (a bad tendency of mine).
• That I don’t spend too much money on things I don’t really need (I’ve overdosed on books recently).
• That The Child starts behaving just a fraction better than she does right now when at home (her behaviour elsewhere is generally fine, which is a relief). 
• That I don’t lose my tenuous grip on sanity before the 5th.
• That I don’t lose my tenuous grip on sanity at all.