So I’ve neglected the writing thing for a while. At least the blogging thing anyway. My personal attempts at writing are still going on. But enough of that. I think I’ve hit a kind of milestone thing in life. I’m currently veering between feeling determined to actually sort my life out, to feeling incredibly demotivated and potentially depressed. Of course I know what I should be aiming for. But it seems like such a mammoth task at times. I mean, how many people actually manage to find something that truly makes them happy?
I have a gorgeous daughter, and a job. And I am still incredibly grateful for the job. But I still want more from life. A house that isn’t covered in mould would be a start. And yes, I know that drying my washing on radiators is not going to help the mould situation, but I’m not hanging my washing out in the rain. And like hell am I opening windows when it’s difficult enough keeping the house warm. I’m incredibly stubborn on this, so I’ll just have to live with the damp/mould/etc.
Not so many spiders this year though. See, I’m finding positives again. Of course, we’re not entirely through spider season yet. But I like to think the giant collection of mouldy conkers we’ve acquired is helping. As unlikely as this is to be the case, I am determined to believe it. If I believe spiders are deterred, I won’t be looking for them so often, and therefore won’t notice as many. And ignorance is definitely bliss in this case. What I don’t know can’t hurt me.
One thing that has been plaguing me though is the question over whether my current nostalgia trip is healthy. I’ve kind of been seeking out all the things I used to love as a child in the early nineties. Sad I know, but it’s quite nice reliving the good memories from my childhood. I’m just getting old I suppose, and trying to resist it. Still, it would be nice to make a mark on the world other than having The Child. Though she is fast turning into an amazing little person. She’s growing up way too quickly too. She’ll be attending her first wedding this Christmas too. And yes, she is a bridesmaid. She is very excited. Bless her.
So, I know I’m not alone in not being particularly sorted in terms of being where I’d like to be. But still. I’m starting to feel like I’ve wasted my life a bit. It’s nice to have got this off my chest I suppose. But how does one start really living, instead of merely existing?
