Insanity

Ok, so I never have been the most sane person on the planet.  Anyway, proof of my insanity consists of spending nearly a tenner on chocolate yesterday.  I’m broke!  No matter how crap I’m feeling at the moment, I do no need expensive chocolate.  Though it is ages since I’ve had chocolate covered coffee beans.  They are gorgeous.  And how many places sell 99% dark chocolate?  Seriously?  I still feel a bit bad though.  Yes I've had a crappy time so far this year, but still.  I’ve also already almost used up my internet credit.  I only bought it just over a week ago.  Three gigabytes.  How?  This comes from watching too many Rammstein videos on Youtube I think.  But it’s the Made in Germany tour.  And Richard looks so gorgeous.  I need serious cheering up.  A gorgeous man playing guitar and chocolate cheer me up.  I am officially not in a good place when I need those things to make me feel anything remotely approaching happy.  The sooner I get a job the better.  At least my Saturdays are occupied now.  And yes, I’m occupied when The Child’s not at school or at her Dad’s too.  It’s not quite the same though.  Oh well.

World Book Day

World Book Day is something I approve of.  I love books, and am glad that they get their very own special day.  What I’m not so glad about is that The Child has to go to school next Friday dressed up as her favourite book character.  I just about managed to persuade her not to go as the very hungry caterpillar.  That would not have been fun.  Perhaps I could dress her in red and find some black spot stickers and send her as the bad tempered ladybird?  She has red clothes.  We’d just need the stickers and the book.  Hmm.  Not sure.  I am rubbish at coming up with do-able ideas.  She has plenty of books to choose from though.  I’m sure we will find something.  I just need to stop being stressy and think calmly.  Though the ladybird idea isn’t that bad I don’t think.  Provided I can find black spot stickers somewhere.  They probably don’t exist though.  Hmm.  At least this little problem’s taken my mind off the other stuff for a bit.

Oh and I really enjoyed work today.  Sure it’s just a volunteer job, but it was great.  I am going to be so miffed when I have to give it up for a paid job.  Not because I don’t want a paid job mind, but because I think I’m really going to love doing this.  Oh well.

A Need to Vent

Ok, so writing can sometimes help make me feel a bit better.  I am stressed beyond belief right now.  I probably won’t be able to do counselling.  There’s other family stuff going on that I don’t really want to go into here.  And there’s the whole stuff with The Situation that I’m also not really going to go into.  It’s too much.  This year is so crap.  I am done with optimism.  And I am so tempted to say I am done with trusting people, but that's not strictly true.  I’ll keep trusting those who have given me good reason to trust them.  But that’s it.  Grrrrr.  I have had enough of this year already.  At least the nits were easy to treat.  In fact I think they’ve been the easiest problem to deal with this year.  Eradicated within two days.  I wish the other problems and stresses would go away as well.  I wish I could just throw a comb at them and be done.  So yeah, I just needed to whinge some more without giving anything away.  I’m not sure I actually feel better either.  I will in time though.  And I’ve got my volunteer job to go to tomorrow.  I will hopefully enjoy that until I have to give it up.  And if I give it up, it means I’ve got a job.  As in a proper paid job.  That’ll be a good thing.  But I daren’t get my hopes up about a job, because then I won’t get one.  Grrrrr.  Stress.  Not fun.

Job Options

Well, my initial optimism really didn’t pay off.  I don’t think I’ll be able to afford to train as a counsellor.  On the positive side it means that if I get the waitressing job I applied for today there is no issue regarding needing days off to study.  That said, I still need my Wednesdays until the end of June.  I think it’s June that my counselling skills course ends anyway.  So yeah.  I’ll cease to be a drain on the economy or whatever when I get my waitressing job (actually I probably won’t get it because I haven’t worked for a few years.  And I have a degree so am overqualified.  But I do have experience.  So you never know.), but forgive me for just being a bit miffed that I can’t finish training to do a job I think I’d both enjoy and be good at.  I’m sick to death of this year being crap.  It’s about time something good happened surely?  Grrrr.  Though to be fair, it gives me something to moan about.  And how I do love a good moan.

So, my job options continue to be very limited it seems.  But at least the waitressing jobs are beginning to appear, so I’m applying for things.  Ok, I’ve applied for one job.  But it’s a start.  And if one cafe’s advertising for staff, it’s only a matter of time before more do.  And then maybe some other jobs will come up that it’s worth me applying for.  Jobs that don’t require me to have experience, as aside from my degree my experience is pretty limited.  Joy.  My own fault of course though.

Finger Cream

A while back my best friend cut her finger.  Rather badly as it happened.  She nearly severed one of the tendons, and it’s not healed properly yet.  Anyway, it’s her birthday today.  The Child was very excited.  She loves birthdays.  She drew loads of pictures in the card and wanted to help post it.  And she’s adamant that we have to buy my friend some finger cream to make her finger better.  So sweet.  It’s just a shame they don’t sell cream to heal severed finger tendons really.  I suspect my friend would really appreciate it actually.  Instead she’ll have to settle for something else instead.  I hope The Child doesn’t mind too much.

I Was Asking for it Really

The Situation needs to be over now.  I wasn’t expecting it to end like this actually.  As much as I knew this could happen, I really wasn’t expecting it to.  Especially after certain recent revelations.  But now what has happened has happened.  And I am hurting like hell.  I knew I’d get hurt though.  I was asking to get hurt by getting involved in something like this.  I just really wasn’t expecting this.  I really wasn’t.  And I know that I don’t really have a right to feel what I’m feeling, but I do.  And I only have myself to blame.  This is all my fault really.  I was asking for it.  Well, I guess this is only what I deserve.  And I knew it had to end sometime. 

I need to focus my energy on other stuff.  I need to forget about all this.  I need to move on as soon as possible.  I just wish I knew how.  But I’ll work it out.  I always do.  I have to.  For The Child’s sake at least.

“He Has Hair”

So The Child has successfully had me in stitches again today.  She also knows me so well.  I’m not sure this is a good thing, but that’s not the point of this post.  Anyway, I was just looking at one of my favourite websites, when The Child notices a picture.  “It’s Richard!” she tells me.  “How do you know that?” I ask.  “Because he has hair.”  So The Child knows I like men with hair then.  That wasn't what she meant though.  When I burst out laughing she corrected herself.  “He has black hair.”  I still find her comment amusing.  I now wonder if she thinks all black haired men are called Richard?  I’m sure that’s not the case actually.  She’s cleverer than that.  She’s way too clever in fact.  She just recognises his face.  Which is possibly not too brilliant.  Is it bad to expose your kids to your celebrity crushes?  We are just talking the odd harmless picture of course, and the music.  Which as it’s in German she doesn’t understand.  She’s beginning to recognise other members of Rammstein too actually.  Bless her.

Just Another Day

Ok, so I’m single, so therefore have no reason to celebrate Valentine’s Day anyway, but I never was that bothered.  The Ex used to always buy me these nauseating cards full of meaningless platitudes.  Ok, so they may not be meaningless to some people, but given how rubbish The Ex treated me most of the time, these ones were meaningless.  Sure presents can be nice and all that, but I’d rather have something that actually means something.  I’m not a cuddly toy type person.  Yes I like chocolate, but I’d rather have a Twirl than a box of chocolates.  A potted plant would suit me much more than a bouquet of flowers.  And to be honest, I’m not too fussed anyway.  In fact, the best present anyone could get me would be a book or CD I’d been wanting for ages.  Something I’d really appreciate.  And failing that, just someone who could actually genuinely love me and show it would be nice.  Presents are pretty meaningless there really.  A present does not convey love.  The Family are evidence enough of that.  Sure they do their duty at birthdays and Christmas with presents for The Child, but does any one of them love The Child?  No evidence of that I’m afraid.

So yeah, in my opinion Valentine’s Day is just another day.  It’s nothing special single or otherwise.  I shall not be wallowing in self pity, wishing there was someone out there to buy me a present I don’t want or a card that makes me want to vomit.  Instead, I’ll just do what I normally do.  I’ll probably veg on my bed with a book and a nice cuppa once The Child’s in bed.  And I’ll think no more about it if I can help it.  But happy Valentine’s to those who do believe in it and stuff.  I’m just a miserable cow really, but it’s just the way I am.

Onwards and Upwards?

I have a volunteer job.  Yay.  Now I just need to find a paid job.  Of course, given my volunteer job is pretty much Saturdays only, I’ll probably have to give it up completely when I take a proper job.  This will be a bit of a shame as the volunteer job is more appropriate to the counselling thing than something like waitressing.  But never mind.  I knew this before I took the job.  And who knows, maybe I’ll still be able to do the odd shift thing for them.  Hopefully anyway.

So, a volunteer job and my counselling course.  Things are looking hopeful yes?  They are until you consider the fact I’ll probably have to give both up so I can get some dead end job.  But I suppose I must concede that a dead end job is better than trying to better myself so I can get a better job that I might actually enjoy.  Oh no.  That won’t do.  The attempting to get qualified to do a better job that is.  After all, everyone knows I spent three years at uni just so I could end up being a waitress for the rest of my life.  But I forget.  As I’m a single mum, and claiming income support to boot, I must just be some lowlife who had a baby just to avoid work.  That’s why I’m trying to become qualified to become a counsellor by the way.  I thought if I did this, I wouldn’t have to get a job.  Of course I might just be being a wee bit sarcastic there.  But it does piss me off just a little.  I really hope I can keep up with the counselling thing.  I don’t think I could bear it if I have to work in a shop or as a waitress forever.  I want to do something that utilises my degree.  I don’t want those years of my life to have been wasted just because I ended what was a truly miserable relationship.  And I would just like to remind people that though there may be some exceptions, most single parents are willing to work.  Most want to.  It’s just that we might want to try and do something that will make our children proud of us.  And let’s be honest, how many kids aspire to be a waitress or check out lady.  No offence to people who do those jobs by the way.  After all I might be one of you coon.  Hopefully I will be in fact, given I don’t want to be homeless come July.  But still.  I’m sure I’ll have pissed loads of people off there.  Oops.  It wasn’t meant that way though.  And I’m not going to apologise for wanting what’s best for both me and my daughter.  And yes, my desire to make her proud of me is selfish.  But it gives me motivation, so it can’t be all bad.  So onwards and upwards then.  Or as will probably actually be the case, onwards and downwards.

I know it’s technically upwards though, as any job’s better than no job right?  Hmm.

Again

So, today it decided to snow again.  To be fair it looks very pretty out there at the moment.  But the ice had only just gone.  Well, in some places it hadn’t quite, but I'd put away the ice spikes and had managed to get The Child to school without any slips this morning.  And so?  It bloody snows again.  Ice spikes shall be coming out again, and The Child shall redevelop her fear of hills again for a short while.  Grrr.  But we might have some fun this weekend if the snow sticks around long enough.  The Child and me might even be able to rebuild Daisy.  I’ve done it now though haven’t I?  Joy.

I’m so miserable at this time of year.  To be honest I’m pretty miserable in summer too.  Maybe I’ll cheer up in spring?  Well, perhaps if it weren’t for the hayfever.  Autumn?  Giant spiders.  I am officially a miserable bastard.  But there’s worse things to be I suppose.  Just so long as there aren’t any snow related disasters this weekend, I might not mind this round of snow so much.

Daisy’s Demise

Well, The Child and I had fun in the snow yesterday.  She’s got over the trauma of the car accident.  To be honest, I think the walk home in the blizzard yesterday cured her of any trauma she may have incurred due the car crash.  So, we went out and played in the snow in our back yard yesterday.  The Child wanted to build a snowman, and so I helped.  In the end we managed something quite impressive.  It was almost as tall as The Child, and even had arms.  The black pebbles for the face gave it a somewhat unhinged look I have to admit, but still, The Child and I were rather proud of ourselves.  And the foliage hair was totally The Child’s idea.  And the name.  Daisy.  Daisy the Snowman.  Or should that be snowwoman? 

Though it wasn’t as cold today as it was yesterday, and Daisy’s face has melted off.  Well, the pebble eyes and nose and the bits of brick mouth have all fallen off.  And she’s leaning in a somewhat dramatic manner.  The Child isn’t too upset though.  She knows she can build another snowman next time it snows.  And I think she’s rather enjoying reporting Daisy’s latest status.  She's just run through to inform me that Daisy’s leaning a bit more, and more of her hair’s fallen out.  Bless her.

The hill wasn’t too lethal this morning either.  But then again that’s probably because we still had snow.  Now it’s melted a bit we’ll have ice I think.  Skating to school tomorrow perhaps?  Most likely.  Grrrr.

Better Late Than Never?

So, we have snow at last.  It’s a bit late this year I think, given last winter the snow came before Christmas.  I think it did anyway.  My memory is a bit hazy.  Anyway, I can’t decide whether I’m glad it’s snowed or not.  I might be miserable and say I think I’d rather it not have come at last actually.  And not just because of last night’s little adventure.

We went round to my parents’ house after The Child’s friends birthday party.  It had started snowing by then, but none of us foresaw any disasters.  Anyway, while we were round there it started to really come down.  Again, not necessarily an issue.  We piled into the car to go home, after scraping the snow off the windows.  And then, when Dad was driving us down the hill (Everywhere’s at the top of a hill.  It’s a nightmare!) the scar slipped in the snow and crashed straight into a parked car.  I guess it’s possibly better to crash into a parked car than a moving one.  And we weren’t going fast so no one was hurt.  The Child was a bit shaken at first, but that’s understandable.  And to be fair to my dad, there wasn’t a lot he could have done to avoid the collision once the car started to skid.  The guy who’s car we’d bumped was pretty cool with the whole situation too, but while Dad’s car was rather damaged, his didn’t appear to be.  It looked like we’d hit the tow bar, so it looks like Dad’s car might be a bit of a write off.  Joy.  He’s just a wee bit stressed about it now.  But at least he was able to drive it back up the hill to his and Mum’s house again.

So, we now had no car to drive us home.  And staying overnight wasn’t really an option as we had nothing with us.  And so we walked home.  Through the snow.  It was freezing.  For a while I had no feeling in my fingers.  And the wind kept blowing snow into our eyes.  But it was rather beautiful actually.  And in a way I’m glad we walked.  We began to warm up once we got our pace up, and got out of the wind.  So it was a bit of an adventure.  And I think The Child rather enjoyed herself.  It’s something to look back on and laugh about in the future I think, once Dad’s got over the whole mashed up car thing.  I hope he doesn’t worry about it too much though.  He’s been way too stressed about things recently.  Oh well.

So yeah, snow can be pretty and fun at times, but on the whole it’s a total pain in the arse.  Better late than never?  Right now I don’t think so.  But I might change my mind later.

Listening

It’s official.  I am a good listener.  I’m not so good at the asking questions thing though.  But the listening I’m ace at.  So, I just need to work on the active part of active listening.  I am going to have to find some other topics to talk about during these exercises we have to do in class too.  I keep harping on about being a single mum and finding it a bit of a struggle.  I do embellish though, as it’s not that bad really.  It’s just the loneliness part that gets me at times.  That and the fact that I have to manage everything completely on my own.  On the whole, that’s not too much of a problem, but at times it’s daunting.  Especially if I have too much to deal with at once.

So, I need to think up some good fictional scenarios, or I need to find something else in my life that’s worth moaning about for a bit.  I’m not going to mention The Situation, or the continuing family trauma.  I’m not going to talk too much about The Ex or The Family either.  So, that doesn’t leave me much then.  Hmm.  Impending Jobseekers?  Impending potential homelessness if I don’t find a job by July?

Actually I have had a bit of a look at rental properties that are around at the moment, and moving might not have to be as traumatic as I first thought.  Of course it’ll cost a fortune and be a bit stressful and stuff, but it might not be that bad if it needs to happen.  I’m pretty sure I’m only going to be twenty pounds a week worse off.  And I know it doesn’t sound a lot, but it makes a huge difference to my weekly budget.  Maybe we should move anyway?  But I do like where we’re living now.  Even if it is at the top of a hill.  Hmm.  Maybe I could talk about that stuff.  I might be able to waffle on about that for a while.