Down

Well, the sun’s shining again, so the fact that I’m feeling rather down this morning is a bit strange.  Sun usually perks me up a bit.  I’m probably just tired of course.  Then again the latest news regarding government plans for those on JSA might have something to do with that.  I’m also feeling rather lost I think.  There’s a definite sense of loss anyway, and I refuse to believe it still has anything to do with The Situation.  I’m sure I’m over that now.  For the most part anyway.

Oh, and I’d love to know how the soaring unemployment in the North East is good news exactly.  Silly Tories.  And that’s putting my feelings there mildly.  Grrr.  I am trying to stop being so gloomy, honest.  But it’d be easier if either I could get a job, or people could stop being wankers about the fact that some of us (make that a lot!) are struggling to find jobs despite applying for loads.  Ok, so I haven’t applied for loads yet, but I have only been looking for a few months.  And I’m still not so desperate that I’m actually saying, sod The Child, I will be willing to work anytime during a twenty-four hour period.  People need to bear in mind that some of us are restricted by childcare needs.  I could be wrong, but I’m not sure that there is any twenty-four hour childcare available around me.  And I wouldn’t want to use it if there was.  Grrr.

So, according to Ed Davey the record unemployment is good news.  That’s great to know.

At least I have music and books to help me escape reality for a while, because at times reality really gets me down.  And as I don’t really have any control over my job situation, I’m feeling pretty helpless and lost.  I wish we could have a bit more support, rather than the endless judgements, and idiots tarring us all with the same brush.  Not all single mums are chavs who got pregnant only so they could get a council house and not have to work.  In fact I haven’t met anyone like that at all.  Grrrr.

And yes, I am aware that this is yet another random, nonsense post.  I just need to get stuff off my chest I guess.  Makes me feel a bit better though.  As does wasting valuable job search time watching David Mitchell rants on YouTube.  Fun.

Some People

I’m going to have to ban myself from going on some forums for the minute I think.  Some provide me with far too much, and very alarming, information regarding the government’s plans for scroungers like myself.  Of course, I’ll once again ignore the degree and the fact that I’m job-hunting while still on income support.  Anyway, back on track, these same forums also expose me to the views some scary pro-Tory people have regarding scroungers like myself.  Now I’m past the upset panicky phase I’m thinking a bit more rationally.  I do not know these people.  They don’t know me.  Their opinions don’t matter to me.  They shall not affect me at all.  Ok, so the government's opinion may well affect me, but that’s not the point.  Anyway, given the way some people talk about the likes of myself, I’m surprised they aren’t proposing banishing us all to some ghetto somewhere.  Seriously, it’s as though we’re the complete scum of the earth.  And naturally all the current financial problems are our fault.  Grrr.  So, like I said, I’m not so upset anymore.  I wish I could completely ignore it though, but unfortunately given I’m only human (yes evil pro-Tory people, we are human!) it does get to me.  I try not to judge people.  I try to be tolerant.  I guess some people just like to treat the less fortunate like rubbish.  Perhaps it makes them feel more important or something.  Wankers.  Well, for all those people who would argue I’m scum of the earth for leaving The Ex and claiming benefits, I’m just going to say, at least I didn’t marry the wrong person (yet).  At least I’m happy with how my family life is at the moment.  So, I might not have the career I’m wanting (due to being unable to train), but at least I’m generally pretty sorted as a person.  And my daughter is bloody amazing too.  Let’s not forget a child is a lot happier when their parents are happy too.

And not everyone in my position is here because they chose to leave a miserable relationship.  Some have been widowed.  Where is peoples’ compassion?  Oh yeah, the majority don’t do compassion.  Or tolerance.  I hate this country sometimes.  Ok, I’m going to be honest and say I just hate some people.  Not everyone.  There are some pretty cool people out there actually, and I’m fortunate enough to know some of them.  But the majority are crap.  At least I’m not one of them though.

And on that note I need to cheer myself up.  A picture of Richard Kruspe courtesy of the Rosenrot fan forum:

Yes, I am aware I need a life.  But this man makes the one I’ve currently got so much more bearable.  Yay.

Problem Island

We did a little exercise in counselling this week.  Basically we had to think about what things we would banish to Problem Island, and what things we would place on our Perfect Island.  It might not have been Perfect Island, but I can’t think of what else it might have been.  It doesn’t really matter anyway.  But the point of this post is that it got me thinking about what things in my life I would do away with if I could, and what I really want to achieve.  So, things I would banish to Problem Island are as follows:

• the current government
• the jobcentre (or the people working there who treat me like crap because I chose to be a mother to my daughter.)
• anyone who tries to make me feel like crap for being a mother to my daughter.  I don’t try to make them feel like crap for paying other people to bring their kids up for them (And there I go with the judgemental language.)
• violence
• crime and other obvious things
• David Cameron (Ok so I know he’s a member of the current government, but I dislike the man that much he deserve his own bullet point.)
• The Family
• pollen
• money

I’m sure there are plenty of other things, and of course I’m not really being serious.  The exercises was more about recognising stresses in our lives really.  I guess my major stresses are the government and money.  Without the need for money I might be able to get my counselling degree.  And without the government, sure there’d be anarchy and stuff, but there wouldn’t be all this anti-family legislation being pushed through. 

Now, on my perfect island I would have as follows:

• music
• books
• I’d be able to write well, and maybe even become a novelist
• I’d be able to play guitar
• The Child would be happy
• we’d have a nice decent house
• I’d live near my friends, and therefore have a social life
• I’d be able to get my counselling degree
• there’d be flowers without pollen
• I’d have a good job that I’m good at and enjoy (such as counselling.)
• men wouldn’t be complete twats
• I’d be happy

And I’m aware my list isn’t that impressive.  And I didn’t really go down the love route.  But I guess I’m still not entirely trusting of love and stuff.  In my experience love comes right before being screwed over.  But what do I know?  I’m still naive and haven’t done much living and stuff.  Oh, and on my perfect island, grabbing someone’s bum in a bar is not an acceptable way to get their attention if you want a dance.  Such action will see you banished to Problem Island.  Though that admittedly hasn’t happened since March.  So I’m adding sexism to Problem Island I guess.  Feminism is not needed on Perfect Island of course. 

So I kind of know what I want from life, and marriage and babies still aren’t it.  Happiness for me still revolves around music and books.  Yay.  And counselling too.  Here’s hoping I do get the chance to do something about that.

Intelligence

Well, The Child was definitely in suck up mode earlier.  And yes, I confess I might have caved and bought her a little something on the way home from school.  To be fair though it’s been a while, and she really was being adorable.  And it was only dried apricots.  Anyway, as we were leaving school she announced that she’s the cleverest person in the whole world.  Now she is very intelligent (in my opinion, and her teacher’s), but she was exaggerating there a bit I think.  She also told me that I’m the cleverest mum, which is definitely not the case.  Again, I can be pretty smart at times, but I’m hardly a genius.  And I’m guilty of having very frequent blonde moments.  However, despite the obvious manipulation going on there, I was somewhat flattered there.  But I don’t care if she was only after apricots, she was being so sweet, bless her.  And she’s clearly clever enough to have figured out that the best way to get what she wants is to flatter me.  Oh dear.  I might need to try and change that.

Self Discovery

If someone had told me back at the beginning of January what an eye opener this counselling skills course would be, I’m not sure I would have believed them.  I was pretty sure I knew myself as well as I could really, but now I know this is not the case.  The change in me over the past few months has been huge really I think.  I’m not sure if it’s so obvious to my friends or family, but I have noticed.  I’m generally feeling more confident, though perhaps not enough yet to make a huge impact on my life.  I certainly had the confidence to stick up for myself when that charity bloke came round the other day though.  Back before I started this course, I’d probably have signed up for the charity thing, only to have to drag myself down to the bank at a later date to cancel the direct debit.  Now I’m determined to stand my ground where I feel it’s right to do so.

I need to start drawing again though.  If I’ve rediscovered my desire to learn the guitar and to write, then today’s lesson may just have kick-started my need to draw.  I need to get creative again, like I used to be.  I don’t want to be bogged down in the whole ‘single-mum, scrounger’ persona I’d kind of started wearing.  Though I never did truly consider myself a scrounger.  I’m not.  I just wanted to be there for my daughter before she started school, while not having a partner to live off.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve now made it sound like I disapprove of stay at home mums who do have partners.  I obviously don’t disapprove of them.  I’m using judgmental language again.  I guess I’m so used to people talking negatively about stay at home mums, single or otherwise.  I need to change that. 

But anyway, I’ve kind of been on this journey of self discovery lately, and it’s been very enjoyable.  I really don’t want it to be over, and now I have another reason to be gutted I can’t go on to do the degree.  Grrr.  Still, it gives me another reason to be determined to get there one day, hopefully in the not too distant future.  It’s another motivating factor, and I think that’s something that has been missing from my life since uni.  Motivation.  But now I have it again.  Yay.

Charity

I’ve always been a thrifty kind of person.  I hate the kind of insecurity that comes from having literally no money, and I have been there so I know what I’m talking about.  Anyway, bearing in mind that The Child and I are on the verge of being in a position where literally every penny shall count, I don’t consider myself in a position to give much to charity.  I know The Ex hands spare change to the child to put in various donation boxes, and I’ll buy the odd breast cancer pin or keyring there.  I do like to do a bit, even if it is very little.  But I’m not in a position to give monthly donations to whichever charity happens to knock on my door first.  And I don’t appreciate people coming to my door to ask.  I am one of those people who will hurry past them in town with my face to the ground.  And I always (well almost always) feel guilty for not being better off and able to give money.

Anyway, while I generally respect charities and the work they do, I actually felt angry yesterday when someone came to my door asking me to sign up to give monthly donations.  It’s not so much that he came to the door, it had more to do with the not taking no for an answer.  And I’m really not kidding.  Most people will back off as soon as I mention my situation.  This guy didn’t.  I practically had to tell him we’re potentially on the verge of being homeless unless I can hang onto every spare penny we have coming our way.  Actually, I did do that.  And he still wouldn’t back off.  At first I felt the usual guilt (I have such a complex), and then I just felt angry.  I managed to keep my cool, but it’s really not fair.  I said no, and I was polite about it.  Admittedly, in the grand scheme of things eight pounds a month isn’t much, but for The Child and me it could very soon make a difference.  I’ve already cut out most non-essentials in the hope of saving money for when our LHA is reduced.  But this guy was having none of it.  I eventually managed to get rid of him by putting my foot down, but I am not in a position to back down here.  Depressingly enough I actually can’t afford it.  And I am being honest when I say if I could afford it I would.  Well, I’d be more inclined to anyway if I wasn’t pressured into it.  But there’s the thing, most decent people would give if they could afford to without needing to be browbeaten into doing so.  At least I hope they would.  Or maybe I’m being too naive and optimistic again.  Hmm.

I’ve Been Thinking

I’ve been thinking about the sex ed issue again.  Ok, so I can understand why some people might have an issue with kids knowing about it.  That’s assuming they’re concerned about the sexualisation of children that seems to be common place these days.  I think it’s insane by the way, especially given all the heightened concern over paedophiles and everything.  We don’t want our kids to be abused, so why dress them up like mini prostitutes?  I’m assuming the bulk of us don’t do that however.  Then again, the fact that padded bras for children are still in shops means someone must be buying them right?  Anyway, as I said before, I’ve been thinking.

I suppose the bulk of people who are opposed to children under nine (and some people seem to think nine’s too young!) learning about sex are concerned that the knowledge will make them want to go out and do it.  I don’t agree with that.  In most cases anyway.  As I said in a previous post on the subject, I learned about it when I was only six, and I was pretty grossed out to be honest.  Being a pretty mature six year old I handled the knowledge well though I suppose.  I told no one what I knew, and pretty much forgot about it until I was older.  Anyway, I suppose the point I’m making here is that most kids will be grossed out or something.  Not every child’s going to want to try it.  Hopefully none would, but the fact that some might can’t be discounted.  Anyway, once again I argue that ignorance doesn’t really help.  In fact in a lot of cases ignorance is the problem.  And if I go on I’m at risk of repeating myself.  If I haven’t already that is.  Anyway, I am totally for being open and honest with children in this area.  I am against sexualising children though.  I certainly won’t be dressing The Child up in padded bras, make-up and mini skirts.  She can do that herself when she’s old enough to make decisions like that for herself.  I won’t be encouraging it before her teens anyway.  And I probably won’t be encouraging it then either.

CBT

It was really great starting the module on CBT in my counselling skills course today.  Admittedly I am a wee bit biased towards this therapy as this is the one that helped me a lot a while back.  Though I’m sure I’d have found other approaches useful, I know this one helps me.  For a start it challenges the way you look at things, which is very useful for me given I tend to take things very personally when I really shouldn’t.  So, I guess more personal growth is on the horizon over the next three weeks.  Yay.  And I’m being serious there.  I’m really positive about this module.  Despite the fact I’m pretty certain I stuffed up this last essay.  Though maybe that’s my faulty thought processes at work there.  Hmm.

Actually I know it’s definitely a good day as I’ve no desire to go anywhere near any computer games.  Yay.  I’ve got my guitar out again too.  Perhaps I’ll even start on the diary again soon.  I’ve avoided that for so long now.  I need to make myself see things in a more positive light.  I know it’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.  I just need to focus.  Time to look at some of my notes about CBT again then.

When Things Are Bad

When things are bad I regress.  To be honest I suspect most people do really.  Anyhow, I tend to regress back to my teens I think.  I listen to music almost obsessively, start playing The Sims a lot, and basically do anything I can to escape reality.  Things have been bad lately.  I’ve been listening to lots of music, attempting to teach myself guitar once more, playing The Sims on my computer, and turning into a total Rammstein fangirl.  But when their lead guitarist looks like this can you really blame me?

He is easily one of the most beautiful men ever.  And watching him play guitar does things to me.  Who wants to be a grown up anyway?  Lusting after German guitarists is far more fun.  I shall of course grow up one day I’m sure.  Perhaps when things get a little better?  Hmm.

Am I Missing Something?

Ok, I am kind of confused.  I can only assume that I’m missing something.  I must be.  There were loads of amazing reviews on Amazon (and some very bad ones which turn out to mirror my opinion).  Magazines were raving about it, The Week included.  Now if it was one of those things that is so bad it’s actually good (like The Tudors) then I might be able to understand, but I personally think it’s just bad.  Fifty Shades of Grey is disappointing me.  It’s repetitive, and completely unbelievable.  And I’m not even a third of the way in yet.  I’m not a prude, but this book has me cringing.  The dialogue is ridiculous in my opinion.  Now, I know writing is difficult, given that I’m something of a wannabe writer.  Personally though, and I really don’t mean to be judgemental and stuff (though I know I kind of am being), but if I had written this I’d have been too embarrassed to allow anyone else to read it.  I don’t post on fanfiction forum things.  To be honest I can barely cope with the whole blogging thing and I’m a newbie to forums and stuff.  Anyway, I guess I just want to say, before my Mum told me it was rubbish, I was hoping for more from this book.  Both my Mum and me are thoroughly disappointed, and can only assume we’re missing something.  If someone can explain what, I would be grateful.  But personally I like my books a bit more believable, with characters you can somewhat sympathise with, oh and that aren’t too repetitive.  I guess there’s a reason I don’t read romance novels.  And for the record, I’ve yet to write anything I’m comfortable with anyone else reading.  I know I’m rubbish.  Though maybe I could turn that into my thing?

Sex Education

Ok, I am no expert here or anything, but I do have some pretty strong views about this.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently as The Child is now five and a half.  I was six when I found out about sex.  My parents didn’t sit me down or anything, and I wasn’t educated this young at school.  I read it in a book.  Bearing in mind at this point I had heard playground gossip about sex (in primary school too, shock horror!), so it wasn’t exactly like it was the biggest surprise.  Anyway, I guess my point here is that I’m confused as to why some people think ignorance is the best policy here, at least until it’s completely unavoidable.  Personally I think kids are less likely to make stupid mistakes if they are better informed.  I read something somewhere the other day where someone was getting het up about the suggestion that girls as young as thirteen should be able to get the pill at the pharmacist rather than having to go to the doctors.  The argument was kids that age shouldn’t be having sex.  No, they shouldn’t, but some will do.  And personally I’d rather The Child know what’s what and be able to get the pill from a pharmacy at that age than not, just in case.  The sex ed I received at school was rubbish.  Needless to say more than one girl had managed to get pregnant before the age of sixteen.  Oh, and while I’m having a rant here, various countries in Europe are more open about sex and stuff.  They have a younger age of consent.  Oh, and they have fewer teen pregnancies and STD’s.  Just some food for thought there.  Knowledge is power and all that.  I really hope that when The Child’s older she will feel able to talk to me about things.  She hasn’t asked me any awkward questions yet, but when she does she won’t be getting any waffle about storks or anything like that.  Sure it’ll be awkward, but I don’t want to confuse the girl.  Of course, I could be very wrong here and end up a very young grandma.  The knowledge didn’t hurt me though.  And I was only six!