Restless

I dwell on things too much.  It makes me restless.  I could be reading, or listening to music or something.  I shouldn’t just sit and dwell on things.  It’s amazing how much time I waste just sitting, thinking about things.  I need to immerse myself in housework once The Child’s in bed.  I need to not be disheartened by the rubbish list of available jobs on the Jobcentre website, but comfort myself with thoughts that there will be a suitable job opportunity soon.  And then I should hurriedly move onto another task.  Unfortunately I’m rubbish at housework.  I just find it tedious and miserable.  And as it’s so mindless I find myself dwelling on thing while I do it.  So why do I choose to dwell on things instead of doing stuff I enjoy?  Because I am mad.

Actually I do have moments where even though I am thinking about things a bit too much I am actually thinking positive thoughts.  That is rare though, and is more likely to happen when I’m talking things through with other people.  Hmm.  I really need to get out more.  I need to meet more people.  I wish the limited means available to me had been more fruitful.  Mum’s forums haven’t proved that helpful though.  Maybe I’m not obsessed with my kid enough.  And there is the fact that mums’ groups tend to be for mums with younger kids.  Unfortunately for me I did not come across any such group until after The Child had started nursery.  And there’s the fact that she’s at The Ex’s on Saturdays, which ruled them out as well as the weekdays.  Joy.  And I am so crap with people.  But I suppose that’s kind of obvious from my posts on here.  I am not a people person it seems.  Hmm.

I am more hopeful for the new year though.  Next year will be better.  I shall meet people.  I might not click with them, but I shall definitely be meeting people.  Fingers crossed.  I need to not be so restless.  Maybe I can immerse myself in my short part-time counselling course.  I need to feel motivated.  I’ve been living like this for too long.  Change is scary, but it might take away the restlessness.  I can hope anyway.  I really need something positive to happen next year.  I really do.  My sanity depends upon it.

Momentous Decision

Ok, it’s probably a very dumb thing to have done, but hey, I wanted to get it over and done with this year, so next year can be the year of not so dumb.  If that makes sense.  I won’t promise to be sensible next year, as I don’t see it happening.  However, if things go pear shaped because of tonight’s decision, at least the truly dumb deed was performed this year, so I can write it off as one of the bad decisions of 2011.  2012 shall have better decisions.  I hate making decisions.  Actually that’s not strictly true.  I hate difficult decisions.  Nice easy decisions are fine.  Hmm.  I still can’t decide between the mars bar or the twirl though.  And don’t you dare throw the wispa into the mix, or I’m done for.  Chocolate.  Mmm.  And actually the twirl wins hands down each time.  I’m just a greedy bastard who wants them all.
I must resist the chocolate and stuff now though.  At least until I start getting more exercise.  And no, I’m not gonna go on some diet.  I don’t do diets.  I just don’t like it when I start to look pregnant again.  I’ll get a nice workout on New Year though, as I’m off out.  Dancing is good exercise.  And fun too.
So anyway, my decision has been semi made.  And actually the truly momentous bit hasn’t come into it yet.  But the seeds have been sewn so to speak.  And I’m still not sure if that’s good or bad.  I’m veering towards bad, but I just couldn’t help myself.  Hmm.

Idiot

Well it’s that time of year again.  Tomorrow night is the anniversary of the highly dramatic end to my relationship with The Ex.  I was a huge idiot.  And that’s putting it mildly.  Anyway, today is the anniversary of my bank’s fraud department ringing up to query whether or not I’d just as good as maxed out my overdraft.  As far as I was aware I hadn’t.  Naturally it turned out that The Ex had.  It had to be him really, and I knew this when I was informed that the transactions had been completed at cash points using my bank card.  My bank card was still in my purse.  What made this even worse was that The Ex tried to deny it at first.  Grrr.  Weirdly enough, that’s not the reason I actually left him.

The reason I left him is because I was scared of him.  He was working a night shift, and had been very aggressive during a row on the phone.  It says something when a phone call makes you so scared that someone’s going to beat the crap out of you when he gets home from work.  My crime?  Sending him a stupid text message voicing my annoyance at him not changing The Child’s nappy when he’d said he would.  Actually I realised he had, so it should have been easily resolved.  It shouldn’t even have become a row.  But there we go.  I was the big bad guy once again, even though he’d just cleaned out my bank account. 

So, I legged it in the middle of the night, before I got his voicemail message demanding that I was gone before he got home from work.  Given the massages he left me afterwards, I’m guessing he wasn’t actually expecting me to leave.  Oh well.  I think we all benefitted from it in the end.  But is it wrong that I still see this as an excuse for a celebratory drink four years later?  Freedom.  Surely that’s worth a glass of wine now.

To freedom.  It’s a shame I’m still an idiot though.

Alternative Christmas Newsletter

Ok, I was having a conversation with my mum last night about all these family news letters that get posted out with Christmas cards sometimes.  My family has been in receipt of one every year for years from an old friend of my parents.  We always made a bit of a joke about it, as in, why not send out our own family letter detailing all the rubbish that has happened to us over the past year.  This year I actually decided to do it.  Kind of.  As in, I haven’t posted it out, and I’m not going to detail things that people in my family would rather I didn’t disclose online.  So here it is.  Oh, and merry Christmas by the way.
So, this year as a single mum I have actually been feeling pretty lonely and rubbish actually.  I may have had a more positive start to my year on account of having been invited round to my parents’ so I wasn’t spending it alone, but still, I was lacking a group of friends to celebrate with.  No man either.  And as my parents both hate New Year like me, it wasn’t the most upbeat affair.  The Child isn’t fun in winter either, so I was still dealing with the ‘it’s cold’ behaviour problems until spring as well.  And what happened in spring?  Well, an old friend decided to get in touch.  Though The Situation didn’t kick off that early, I guess the seeds may have been sown then.  Damned Facebook.  And then I had to cope with The Child starting school and all the palaver that caused.  It wouldn’t have been a problem if The Ex and The Family were normal.  Of course, things weren’t coordinated particularly well with them.  At least I wasn’t expected to do anything for Matriarch’s birthday.  But we did have an earlier in the year argument over whether or not she should cut The Child off altogether.  She offered this in response to my having a go over how little effort she made to see The Child.  Hmm.  Slight communication error there perhaps I think. 
There were some other family traumas I won’t go into, but they weren’t fun, believe me.  In short, summer was great fun for some.  And then in August/September The Situation kicked off.  Only I could get embroiled in some sort of virtual affair thing with a married man without realising.  How naive am I?  Seriously?  Damned Facebook.
So, The Child’s birthday in late autumn and Christmas combine to ensure myself and my family are all bankrupt by the New Year.  I made some excellent planning there.  But it could have been worse.  The Child was due at Christmas.  Thankfully I got a potentially life threatening complication in pregnancy and had to be induced ages before my due date.  So, this time of year holds some truly magical memories.
The Child’s tiptoeing might not be a problem after all, of course, her feet turning inwards is another matter.  She might just have the same problem as my younger sister developing there.  Dislocation of hips and/or knees could be expected in the future.  Joy.  There is of course a recurrence of the winter ‘it’s cold’ troubles as well.  A truly wonderful time for us all.
Matriarch and The Family decided to turn up at The Ex’s on Christmas Eve after all.  I think we’d all have had a lot more fun if they hadn’t bothered.  Matriarch in particular.  She spent the whole afternoon looking thoroughly bored and unimpressed.  She ignored The Child, but I’m pleased to say The Child ignored her too.  Maybe next year she won’t bother.  I can live in hope.
Also there is the ongoing saga of The Ex and Bakery Girl.  Will they get together or won’t they?  For my sake I hope they do.  I don’t want to face The Ex’s wrath should he be turned down there.  Eek.
So, a child with various possible future health problems, a virtual kind of affair, being broke, The Family, and I won’t bore you with the details of how various changes the government are wanting to bring about will affect The Child and me, all make for a wonderful year.  Can’t wait for the next one.  And I hope everyone has had a magical (and other nauseating terms) a year as me. 
Merry Christmas and happy New Year to all.  And this is only a joke.  Yes there’s been a lot of crap this year, but some of it was good too.  I still hope next year’s better though.  But I’m sure most people feel that way.  And our year could have been one heck of a lot worse.  We are of course very fortunate to be where we are right now.  We might not be here this time next year though.  But I wouldn’t be me if I failed to end on a somewhat negative note.

Inspiration

I’ve decided what I’m lacking is inspiration.  I confess I’m lacking motivation as well, but fear does that to me.  It zaps away the motivation that is.  It’s difficult to be motivated when things are beginning to terrify you just a bit.  Maybe I’m just being melodramatic, but there are things that are making me feel just a wee bit demoralised.  And funnily enough, all these pro-marriage things the government are proposing, like tax breaks for married couples, and the pro-marriage lessons in school actually only serve to make me more anti-marriage than I was before.  So Mr Cameron, would I be doing a better job with The Child if I’d just given up on the self respect and married The Ex?  So he was emotionally abusive, and potentially violent, but what the heck.  I’d have been married right?  I wouldn’t be another single mum bleeding the country dry would I?  Oh, hang on a minute, I’m actually a slightly intelligent person.  I managed to get a degree after all.  And I would actually like to work.  Perhaps you could look at ways to make that easier?  Or you could keep doing things to make that harder for people like me, and more scary.  Oh, and The Child and I shall really appreciate being homeless in summer if I don’t manage to find a job by then.  And I am actually looking.  And I’m still on the income support.  So there.

Immature yes.  But I’m still in my twenties, and as I live alone with a five year old I am possibly a bit too used to acting like a child.  I’m just terrified.  I really am.  I know/really hope I’ll find a job soon.  I’m just scared I’m going to stuck in a rut similar to the one I’m currently in forever.  Oh, and for the record, I think a loving and stable environment is far more important for a child than whether or not mum and dad are married or even still together.  So there.

So, inspiration.  I need more inspiration to get writing again.  I need to cut out the crap in my life perhaps, but how to do that when there’s so much?  Hmm.  Though I am getting more life experience now, even though I’m mostly confined to the house still.  A job shall provide even more I think/hope.  I still want to write though, and maybe I’ll get it back again.  The ability to write stuff that I’m not one hundred percent convinced is complete and utter rubbish that is.  I’m not confident enough or whatever to actually think I’m capable of writing something good.  Unless it’s an essay about whether or not alcoholism is a brain disease.  I got a really good mark for that one.  Perhaps I should have stuck with the psychology.  Only I really can’t as that requires more education.  I can’t do a full time course as that will hinder my getting a job.  Joy.  Love the logic there I really do.  You must get a crap job.  You cannot possibly get any training that will enable you to get a better job that would suit you much better than waitressing or something.  That said, I still think waitressing might suit me quite well at the moment.  Unfortunately I haven’t noticed any waitressing jobs going since I got the CV sorted.  Typical.

I need inspiration.  I need motivation.  Dammit I need a new life.  Grrr.  I really hate this time of year.  I always feel so rubbish and dissatisfied.  At least I won’t be spending my New Year’s Eve writing a list of good and bad points of the year.  I won’t be writing down things I want to change or achieve next year.  I’ll be out dancing.  I shall hopefully be a bit merry after a couple of drinks.  Who knows, I might even be feeling positive about stuff then.  I can hope anyway.  Even if that is dangerous.

Headphones

I seem to have this knack for killing my headphones.  God knows how many pairs I’ve got through this year.  Actually to be fair I think it might only be two pairs, and the first pair fell into a cup of tea.  No idea what’s up with the currant pair though.  I know I haven’t dropped them in a cup of tea or anything like that, and they were working fine earlier.  Grrr.  Another of life’s minor irritations.  I’ll put up with them for a bit I guess.  Annoying when you can only hear music in one ear though.  Grrrr.

The Child has her Christmas party at school tomorrow as they break up for the holiday tomorrow.  She's so excited.  And she wasn’t scared of Santa this year.  The Ex and me took her to see him at the weekend, and she decided to inform him that she wants Rastamouse for Christmas as well as the purple car and some Sylvanians.  Wish she’d mentioned Rastamouse before this weekend, but at least I had today, and tomorrow, to remedy the problem.  She isn’t getting the lot though, so she might be a bit miffed with Santa.  I might have to remind her that he has a limited bank balance.

Job hunting is fun.  I’m not on jobseeker’s yet, but I’m sort of looking.  If anything promising turns up I will go for it though, but it’s mostly temporary positions, jobs I’m not qualified for, or the hours aren’t enough.  Grrr.  Maybe there’ll be more jobs around after Christmas.  I hope so as I think I go on jobseeker’s really soon, and I was hoping to get one before then.  All fun.

Nativity

The Child had her nativity today.  She was a shepherd and played her role perfectly if I do say so myself.  Admittedly all she had to do was walk onto the stage and sing along to the songs with everyone else.  She looked so sweet with her tea towel on her head though.  Bless her.  And she had a great time.  That didn’t surprise me though given what a little show off she can be.  She did sing louder than any of the others at a fair few points too.  She really did look so sweet though.

I’m almost done with the Christmas shopping.  Aside from a new hat, scarf, and pair of gloves, I think I’ve got everything I wanted to for The Child.  I do hope it’s enough.  And I know I shouldn’t feel like I have to get loads, But I don’t want her to be disappointed.  And to be honest, I haven’t exactly gone mad, what with being broke and stuff.  Now I just have my mum and The Ex to buy presents for.  I kind of know what I’m getting them both as well, so just need to pop to town tomorrow and I’m all done.  Yay.

I’ll be glad when Christmas is over, I really will.

Marriage

The Child informed me of a momentous occasion this morning.  Apparently she married one of her friends at school.  She told me that another friend had argued with her wife over whether or not girls could marry other girls, but it was all resolved when they agreed that this other friend could marry her today.  It is quite possible that some jealousy was at play there then.  I found this whole thing so sweet, though this evening The Child informed me that she’s going to marry all the girls tomorrow.  Hmm.  Still somewhat cute though in my opinion.  Even though the thought of marriage generally brings me out in a cold sweat.  I am very amused by the fact that she doesn’t want to marry any of the boys.  I wonder if gender segregation is at play now then.  Though I think she said some of the boys have been marrying the girls.  Now, we may have played mums and dads when I was little, but we never played weddings that I recall. 

I still need to get The Child some more presents.  I’ve got hardly anything yet, though I think I’ve just about got the rest of my family sorted.  Haven't got The Ex sorted yet though either.  I must not forget him.  The Child will want to give him something that she can open for him after all.

Cars

The Child had better still like cars on Christmas Day.  She’s getting four of the things, and the Disney film.  Only the first film though.  If she likes that then she might get the second one for her birthday next autumn.  I’m doing some good planning ahead there.  She does keep going on about cars though.  For some reason she loves them.  But then again, so did I once.  I remember my older sister and me playing with Corgi cars.  We used to pester Dad to get them for us whenever we stopped somewhere for petrol.  Cars are obviously just one of those things most kids like, like trains, and dinosaurs.  The Child likes trains and dinosaurs too.  As well as princesses.  Bless her.  And still I’m stuck on what else to get her.  Grrr.

I’ve got my mum and sisters sorted present wise.  Ok, I might not actually have bought all their presents yet, but I know what I’m getting them all.  Roughly.  Dad is proving a major problem though.  And I really must get something for The Child to give The Ex.  Eek.  I had totally forgotten about him.  And I’ve only got a fortnight. 

The Child has her nativity next week.  I’m looking forward to it.  She’s going to be a shepherd apparently, but she claims she needs to walk on all fours for the role.  I’m not convinced she’s being a shepherd myself, but I’ll have to wait and see.  She’s also got her physiotherapy appointment next week.  Fortunately it doesn’t clash with her play, and hopefully will help sort the tiptoeing thing.  Fingers crossed it helps anyway.

Feeling Positive

Ok, today I was back to feeling a bit crap, but to be fair it was grey and rainy all day, and I have another bad cold.  On the whole I’ve been feeling pretty positive this week.  I’ve got a few Christmas presents for The Child.  I kind of know what I’m getting my mum and sisters.  I still have no idea about my dad, but that’s not unusual.  Still, I am disorganised enough that I don’t think this positive feeling is anything to do with being somewhat sorted presents wise.  Besides, I still find the whole Christmas thing a bit something.  Sure it’s more fun now because of The Child, but still, I could do without it to be honest.

The Child has been easier this past week I think.  Perhaps that’s the reason I’m feeling a bit better.  But then again, she might be behaving better as I’m being more like my old self again.  She does like her advent calendar though.  She gets ready quickly in a morning now so she can open that.  Things will probably go back to normal after Christmas.  And here comes the negativity again.  Yay.  But seriously, despite the grey skies related general misery, I’m actually feeling pretty positive.  It’s very unlike me.  Scary.

It is so nice that The Child is behaving a bit better at the moment though.  She’s so much sweeter, and I find spending time with her so much more enjoyable and rewarding.  It’s really nice wanting to spend time with her again, instead of dreading the evenings.  I still dread the mornings, but only because we have to be up so early.

Getting There Then

Well, the hunt for a purple car for The Child is over.  I haven’t found her a pink one though.  She’ll have to make do with a pinkish red instead.  I hope she’s happy with them.  So, I’m getting there with her Christmas presents now it seems.  Aristocats, two cars, and a couple of bits for her stockings.  Hmm.  Need to get a wee bit more though I think.  No idea what else to get her though.

Made in Germany arrived today.  Yay.  Unfortunately I wasn’t in when it was delivered so it’s currently being held hostage next door until my neighbour gets home from work.  Noooo.  Bloody typical that it gets delivered during the half hour period when I’m out taking The Child to school.  At least it’s here though.  Well, next door.  I should have it by teatimeish though.  Yay.

Is it really sad that I’m so looking forward to it?  Of course it isn’t.

I’m Getting Used to it Now

The sore throat that is.  I’ve had it over a week now, so I’m sure it won’t be long before I barely notice it.  In fact I barely notice it already.  It’s just the frequent coughing fits that remind me.  That and the croaky voice.  Maybe I’ll be well again one day though.  Probably sooner than I think.  Still, over a week is a bit of a long time for me to be suffering from just one cold.  Maybe this is a different one to last weeks?  I didn’t used to suffer from throat things.  I used to just get a blocked nose and that’s it.  Now I get chesty throat things that make me lose my voice.  Not so good when I’m trying to keep The Child in check though I have to say.

Though there’s no getting used to The Situation.  Every time I think I have it sussed, I change my mind again and confuse myself.  Of course, he could get a bloody move on and answer my question, but I’m not expecting that any time soon.  Hmm.  Why can’t I be more sensible?  I always used to be so sensible. 

Oh, I am looking forward to tomorrow, or the next couple of days anyway.  I hope.  My copy of Made In Germany should be arriving.  It shipped out Friday evening, so my order didn’t mysteriously get cancelled.  Thank God. 

And I’ve managed to completely piss off The Ex again somehow.  Don't know how I do it.  Oh yeah, I’m far from perfect, that’s where I go wrong.  Nothing short of perfection will do where he’s concerned.  Or something like that anyway.  I’m about as far from perfect as you can get in his eyes anyway I think.  Grrr.

Christmas

Well, this morning I was served by a woman who looked alarmingly like Pauline from the League of Gentlemen.  Seriously.  Scary.  In any case, now that it’s December the sight has got me considering pulling out the League of Gents panto.  Nothing like a good pantomime to get you in Christmas spirit is there?  Oh, and a little Christmas present to myself should be arriving soon.  I hope.  Provided my order doesn’t disappear like the Amazon ones did.  I didn’t order from Amazon though, so hopefully I’ll be all right.  I need my Rammstein fix.  Or should that be my Richard Kruspe fix?  Can’t wait.

I’ve also started buying things to put in The Child’s stocking.  Well, I got some chocolate money and a chocolate penguin lolly anyway.  No idea what else to get her.  It’s such a pain that her birthday’s so close to Christmas.  Grrr.  She had a great day though, and miraculously she was really well behaved.  I think she spent most of her party in a kind of daze.  Bless her.  And now she’s excited about the advent calendar.  I got her a Playmobil one, so it kind of counts as a Christmas present.  She’s already guessing what’s going to behind the other doors.  I remember the same excitement when I was a kid.  A shame that Christmas isn’t so appealing to me anymore really.  That said, I find that The Child’s excitement about the whole thing is a little infectious.  Not much mind.  But I am looking forward to watching the League of Gents panto later.  Wow.  I’m not totally allergic to Christmas yet then.

And I Was Feeling So Positive For a Minute There Too

Grrrr.  Government freezing working tax credit.  Grrrr.  So, here’s my situation.  I want to become a counsellor.  It is of course my fault for not getting the relevant training done in the years prior to now.  That said as I’m doing a part time course it won’t actually interfere with me finding work so hopefully I won’t have to jack it all in if and when I do manage to find a job.  Anyway, say I manage to get myself a nice minimum wage waitressing job that allows me to work enough hours to actually make some money that doesn’t have to be spent on childcare, the freeze in working tax credit means I have a little less money to spend on stuff.  Now our weekly costs are quite high.  I have myself and my daughter to feed and clothe.  I also have gas, electricity, and water bills to pay.  I have rent, as the benefit I am currently entitled to doesn’t quite cover what we have to pay.  I can manage now though.  That said, we shall be homeless come July if I don’t manage to find a job by then.  Eek.  Anyway, we can manage for now.  We will also still manage if I find myself a nice minimum wage job working sixteen hours or more a week.  A freeze to working tax credit will begin to present a problem though I think, as prices and costs increase and my income doesn’t.  I have a child to care for.  I don’t care about myself.  I can manage without food for a bit.  I can manage without heating.  But my daughter?  That’s not fair.  Now of course things wouldn’t actually get that bad.  I’m just moaning and stressing here.  But still.  Of course I’d be fine if I had some nice Tory husband to take care of me and The Child wouldn’t I?  Not all of us single parents are single parents through choice.  Now I know I chose to leave The Ex, but he was emotionally abusive and I had The Child to think of.  If it had totally been up to me, The Ex would have undergone a complete personality change and we’d be a nice happy family.  Unfortunately life doesn’t work out like that.  And may I also say I am actually one of the really lucky ones.  Grrrr.  I just think the current government hate kids.  After all, this doesn’t just affect single parents.  It affects other families too.  Kids.  And why are they important exactly?  Not like they’re our future or anything is it?  Oh wait.  Yes they are.  Sodding Tories.  Grrrr.

And I know I went majorly off track there.  I’m just worried that I’m going to have to give up on my counselling before it’s taken off so that I can work as a waitress for the rest of my life.  And yes, I am very cross with myself for not sorting this sooner.  In my defence, until last month the Jobcentre were very down on the whole counselling idea so I got zero practical advice there.  Until a kind lady decided to put me in touch with a careers advisor.  Now why do I have to be too thick to sort this sort of thing by myself?  Why?  And the worst thing is that I’m smart enough to know I’m completely thick.  Grrrr.

Rant over.  And no, I don’t think it makes any sense.  Felt good though.

Bakery Girl

I really hope things work out for The Ex with Bakery Girl.  She’s his latest love interest by the way.  She works in the bakery he goes in everyday for his post work cuppa.  She could just be being friendly to a regular customer of course.  And like many other people she does gush over The Child.  Though he reckons she won’t let anyone else serve him and always has to do it herself.  I cannot comment without seeing anything of course.  And naturally The Ex doesn’t want me to accompany him in there as he doesn’t want Bakery Girl to get the wrong impression.  I do hope it works out.  If it does, he’ll be happy for a bit and shouldn’t give me too much grief.  If it doesn’t however, I’m in for a rough time in the not so distant future.  Joyous.

And I’ve still heard nothing from any of the volunteer places.  I’m suddenly remembering what I was told the day I turned up to apply for volunteer jobs.  There are more volunteers than there are volunteer jobs.  Joy.  So I could find getting a volunteer job as unlikely as getting a regular job.  Wonderful.  Maybe I’m just having a bad day.  Maybe I’m just having a bad season.  Maybe I’ll be more positive in spring.  Or when/if anyone actually gets in touch to offer me a volunteer job.  Then again, I might get a waitressing job sooner.  Or I could end up doing something I’ve never done before, like working in a shop.

I need to get out and do something again today.  If I stay in I’ll go insane.  I have too much time to think and dwell on things.  Unfortunately housework doesn’t distract me.  I can dwell on things and stress while doing housework.  In fact, I have some of my most destructive thoughts while doing the washing up or vacuuming.  I need to get a job soon.  Very soon.  Or I might just crack up completely.

Stress

It’s probably not all that bad really.  I just handle stress really badly.  Basically I don’t handle stress at all.  I just go a bit doolally instead.  Anyway, The Ex keeps asking me for relationship  advice.  When will he learn that I don’t have a clue?  Women are a mystery to me.  Men are a mystery to me.  In fact, people in general are a mystery to me.  Perhaps that’s why I find psychology so interesting.  But anyway, I hope him all the best with his latest love interest, but I really wish he wouldn’t seek my advice.  I’ll only stuff it up for him I’m sure.  I might wrongly assume she really likes him (like last time), or wrongly assume she’s not that interested (due to a desire not to make the same mistake as last time).  He has far more experience of this stuff than me.  I really don’t know why he thinks my opinion counts.  All I ask is that he doesn’t shack up with some psychopath who will cause problems for The Child.

Of course, given his recent relationship history, it probably won’t happen at all.

Then there’s the family situation.  My family that is, not The Family.  I always thought we were relatively normal and sound.  Seems that isn’t the case.  We’re about to self implode, and just before Christmas too.  Joy.  Hopefully it’ll all get sorted out, but this whole thing is causing a major headache actually.  Grrrr.

And then there’s The Situation.  Sensible me emerges occasionally, but she doesn’t stick around long enough.  I should end it.  And I’ve given him more than enough chances to end it himself.  Naturally he hasn’t taken them.  He won’t make it easy for me.  He promises not to hurt me etc. etc.  I want to believe him, because I am a complete over naive idiot.  People in these situations always end up getting hurt.  No matter how honest people are being.  Grrrr.  Maybe I’ll have another brave moment soon.  Maybe I’ll have the courage to move on.  It might be tough going at first, but I might loath myself a little less in the long run.  Then again I could carry on as normal.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Gangsters

Well, I don’t feel so bad today despite having drunk more last night than I have in a very long time.  It was a good night though, even though only three of us actually dressed in our gangster costumes.  I also discovered that I dance better when I’m a bit on the tipsy side.  Well, I might not dance better, but I’m a heck of a lot less self conscious.  And only a couple of people tried to nab my hat.  I’ll have to try and get out again soon though.  I need more fun like that.  Besides, it took my mind off all the stressful stuff.  My throat is very sore though.  I need more cough medicine it seems.

And The Child can’t decide whether she likes the cold or not.  On the way to the shops we had the “I’m cold” tantrum.  On the way home from the shops she was busy telling me she liked the cold because it meant we would be getting snow soon.  Hmm.  I don’t like the cold.  Snow might look nice but it’s actually a pain.  I can’t wait until summer.  Assuming we get one next year that is.  Hmm.  Now should I risk hoping there?

Cold

I am freezing.  As I write this, my heating is on and I am wearing a woolly dress thing with a giant man fleece over the top and I am still freezing.  To be fair I do have a bad cold.  My voice keeps going and my throat feels like sandpaper.  My nose won’t stop running either.  And I’m still going on my gangster night out tomorrow no matter what, even if I do end up dancing with a box of tissues.  And freezing to death while queuing for a taxi home.  I hate winter.  It has been so much colder today.  The mild temperatures did not prepare me for today.  Bloody weather.  Grrrr.

And I don’t remember whether I mentioned that competition for volunteer jobs is apparently as fierce as competition for paid jobs.  So, come whenever I’m put on Jobseeker’s Allowance, I might still not even have a volunteer job.  I still hope that I shall avoid Jobseeker’s by being both properly employed, and having a nice volunteer job though.  I’m still being hopeful it seems.  I just hope it all pays off.  I wouldn’t mind it paying off in where The Situation’s concerned too.  I’m being more honest there now though, but I don’t think it’s changed much.  He knows why I’m freaking out now though.  In theory.  Hmm

Unleashed

I may very soon be unleashed upon the world.  Or upon my town at least.  Maybe.  Provided there are some voluntary jobs that fit with the stuff I’m wanting to do.  All I have to do now is sit and wait.  Well, I don’t literally have to sit and wait.  I have to wait for someone to get in touch and say they want me though.  And who knows, I might actually get to help people after all.  I obviously won’t be doing anything like counselling though as you need to actually be qualified to do that.  But once I get qualified (fingers crossed that happens) I’ll be able to do that.  And I got my application for the counselling skills course in today.  Hopefully I’ll get on the course, and get started working my way towards a more palatable future.  Fingers crossed.  And I’m really hoping that the hoping thing doesn’t come back to bite me on the bum at any point.

I’m trying not to hope too much in relation to The Situation though.  I’m having a sensible day today though I think.  Maybe.  But I might be insane again tomorrow.  I still think I’m being an idiot though.  Hmm.  We’ll soon see I guess.

Joyous

I hate this time of year.  Sure, when it’s not totally grey (as in when we actually get a bit of sun) the scenery can be rather nice to look at.  But for the most part it’s grey and miserable.  Also, I am now going to feel more or less permanently ill until spring/summer time.  Also, The Child shall be more or less permanently ill until spring/summer time, and will therefore be grumpier than normal for that time.  I also hate the cold.  I think I might actually hate the cold more than I hate being too hot.  I might change my mind about that in summer of course, but I’m not sure.

Also add to the general crapness I feel at this time of year The Situation, then it makes for a particularly brilliant time.  Yes I cracked.  I texted him earlier.  I am a bad person.  He might not reply though.  Which would be both good and bad of course.  The same can be said for him replying I guess.  So uncool of me though.

How Could I Forget?

There has been other major news this week, besides me getting my hopes up about possibly becoming a counsellor in the not too distant future.  The Canadian (long suffering girlfriend of The Ex’s older brother Psycho) has finally decided that she is definitely leaving.  And she isn’t just breaking up with Psycho either.  She’s actually moving back to Canada.  Not before he accuses her of stealing his son’s school trousers though.  Seriously.  Though what a twenty-something woman would want with some grey boys school trousers is a mystery to me.  Psycho really is so petty.  He should be grateful she put up with him for so long.  She put up with him longer than I put up with The Ex I think, and Psycho is way more volatile than him.  Oh well.  I hope she’s ok, and that she manages to get herself sorted all right.  I of course think she is doing the right thing, though of course the right thing isn’t always easy to do.  Getting away from a controlling boyfriend is definitely one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.  I wish her luck though, and hope she’s happier without Psycho.  I have little doubt she will be though with time.

Are High Hopes Dangerous?

It seems to have always been the case that if I get my hopes up about something it always goes wrong.  I am therefore very wary of the fact that I am feeling very positive about the prospect of actually getting somewhere with the counselling idea.  Now, to explain a bit, when I was very messed up in my teens I think I could really have benefitted from some counselling.  There are times I think I could benefit from it now to be honest.  But anyway, I kind of went to uni with the idea that I might like to pursue a career in counselling.  Then I moved in with The Ex and got pregnant, and any ideas I had had previously were forgotten or pushed aside as stupid and undoable.  Now, having been on income support for nearly four years, I have finally been put in touch with people who might actually be able to help me pursue this course after all.  And I have been banging on about the counselling to the Jobcentre for years, so I am a little annoyed.  Of course, I may do this and find that the first few people I spoke to at the Jobcentre were right and that there are no job prospects here for counsellors.  Of course, I would be prepared to move away from here for a job that I might actually enjoy.  I want to help people who are suffering in the way I suffered when I was a teenager.  I am really hoping I can do this.  Of course it will require me to do a course, and some volunteer work.  I might have to give all that up so that I can be a waitress or something.  And I am really worried that that is what will happen.  But surely I deserve something to go right for me for a change?  And I need something to cheer me up after the disaster that was The Situation.  Roll on January and my counselling course.  Assuming that I am able to do it of course.

The End

I feel awful.  Scarily enough that isn’t an exaggeration.  I wish it was.  I am clearly far too sensitive.  I clearly got in way over my head.  But at least I have done it.  Kind of.  And there is still some residual guilt going on in there.  So, anyway, I might just have managed to extricate myself from The Situation.  And yes, I’m still not a hundred percent sure it is what I want, but that’s because I’m an idiot.  I am being sensible now.  I shall remain sensible now.  And I shall be fine.  I shall.  Of course, I might be a bit volatile for a few days while I get used to the idea.  But I shall be fine. 

My night out on Saturday could well prove to be a timely distraction.  Of course I might drink too much and disgrace myself, but I won’t go there.  Drunken tears are not a good look.  And this whole thing is my own fault anyway.  Besides, I’ll hardly be inconspicuous in my spangly gangster dress.  I shall keep my composure.  I shall not let this get me down.  I am above such things.  There, my new mantra (not that I had one before.  I am above such things.

And I will try not to be dumb enough to get involved with anyone like this again.  Celibacy.  I must embrace celibacy.  My sanity demands it.

If Only I’d Known

At some point during the summer last year, my best friend came up to visit.  Then again, maybe it was when she came for my birthday in the autumn. Anyway, it was a long time before March, and I’m pretty sure it was summer rather than autumn.  Well, we made a little deal.  The deal was that she would email this guy she met while on a course who she liked, and I would friend someone on Facebook who I fancied the summer I got together with The Ex.  Basically I got together with The Ex because I didn’t think I stood a chance with this other guy. 

I ended up forgetting that I’d sent the friend request because it was absolutely ages before I heard anything from him.  Not that friending someone on Facebook automatically means you’ll actually hear from them.  But anyway, one night back in March he actually accepted my friend request (months after I’d sent it) and we had a really long random chat about stuff.  I then heard nothing from him again until June.  Not that it really mattered as we both have our own lives and live opposite ends of the country.  It was just nice to catch up.  Anyway, once again it was a little while before he got in touch again.  And yes, I never got in touch back because that’s something I’m really bad at.  Things have changed a little bit now though.  For a start, I know that my getting in touch with him is quite welcome.  I feel bad about it though.

Well, I had a bit less of a wait before he got in touch again, as The Situation kind of began in August.  It wasn’t until late September that I began to understand that I was caught up in The Situation though.  Yes, I really am that naive.  Anyway, someone being a bit flirty online does not necessarily mean that there’s anything going on.  Flirting can be entirely innocent.  I would say I am good at innocent flirting, but I’m not.  I’m better at that than I am at not so innocent flirting though.  And I still cannot believe it took me nearly a month to realise what was actually going on.  Of course he’s married, hence The Situation.  And he lives absolutely miles away, which adds to my confusion.  Why me?  Why now?  And how can I extricate myself without there being any repercussions?  Well I kind of know the answer to that one, but I don’t want to end this whatever this is completely.  Now, before anyone judges me, nothing is going on.  For a start it can’t because of the distance we’re talking here.  Also there’s the fact that we haven’t actually seen each other for eight years.  But, there kind of is something.  Well, he’s pushing for something anyway.  I liked having another friend to talk to and confide in though.  But it’s all changed since I asked The Questions.  Now I don’t know what it is I feel.  And I don’t know why I want to hide it from him, but I am angry I think.  As well as guilty (despite having done nothing). 

Here’s a question I do have though.  I understand that relationships are difficult and require work, but if there are problems that are potentially fixable, why would someone try and start an affair type thing that isn’t really an affair, instead of fixing the problems?  When The Ex and I broke up, the problems we were weren’t fixable.  I had no feelings for him anymore, and I assume he felt the same lack of anything.  He certainly acted like he felt nothing.  But even so, I think I would have felt guilty if I’d been cheating on him.  Then again maybe not.  I can never know that.  But that is something I have a problem with.  The lack of guilt this old crush claims to feel regarding what he is doing to his wife.  And even though I may still be relatively innocent here (except that I haven’t told him where to go), I feel consumed with guilt at times.  Other times it’s just the anger or confusion.  But why did he have to choose me for this?  Why couldn’t he have found someone else to do this with?  Someone else might have been far more willing to play along.  Someone else might have given him what he wanted.  And have I blown any chance of us being friends now?

If only I had known what he had meant.  If only I’d known he was being serious.  Or is he being serious?  Perhaps this whole things is just a game?  But he tells me I can trust him.  And I think I can.  He answered my questions in a manner that certainly suggests he was being honest.  He also tells me he would never hurt me.  Unfortunately I don’t see how he can avoid that.  This whole situation is hurting me.  And I am sure he doesn’t intend that, but someone always gets hurt in these situations.  I know that someone will be me.  And so maybe it is time to read through the message I’ve prepared once more.  Maybe I shall add a bit more, or take a bit out.  Maybe I shall just ask him another load of questions instead.  Or maybe I’ll do what I’ve been doing all week, and put it off for a bit longer.  I know I need to end this situation though.  It can’t go on.

The Child’s Premature Arrival

I’m still thinking about The Child, and the trauma of her arrival.  I was scared for reasons other than the fact that she was premature, as I had pre-eclampsia.  I was also only in my early twenties and had just graduated from uni.  There was an element of “What the hell have I done?” going on there as well.  Of course that changed when I first saw her.  I was however absolutely terrified of hurting her as she was so small and fragile looking.  None of the clothes we had fit her, and so when my parents came to visit us in hospital that day they brought with them a load or prem baby clothes and nappies.  She didn’t need them immediately though as she was jaundiced and had to be kept under a UV lamp.  She kept pulling her scratch mittens off as well, and the eye mask that was to protect her eyes from the lamp.  It was very strange feeding her through a tube, and I found it a great relief once she was out of the incubator.  Still, I continued to be terrified of hurting her, but I think I managed all right in the end.

Of course The Family didn’t seem to care at all, and that really didn’t help the experience.  My family were great though, and helped out a lot.  I probably didn’t acknowledge that fact at the time though, and I do regret that.  They’re still here for us now though, even if The Family aren’t.  In fact it might be better for The Child that way.  And The Ex does try.  I probably don’t give him enough credit really.  But then he does scare me to death with his temper still at times.  I wish I could trust him more, because The Child can be a nightmare at times.  I love her to bits though, and continue to be very grateful she’s as healthy as she is.  I just wish her arrival hadn’t been quite so dramatic and traumatic.  I wish I could have found bonding with her a bit easier too.

Fun Times. Yay

Well, I had yet another barny with The Ex today.  Now, to be fair it is a stressful time of year, but still.  I was grumbling about how I fell like an old woman with all the aches and pains I’ve got at the moment.  Yes I have had an endless stream of colds since the arrival of the cold weather.  Anyway, he turned to me and said, “Well you look your age.”  My age is pushing thirty, so naturally I was thrilled with his assessment.  Hmm.  I kind of went silent, waiting for him to realise what he’d said and apologise.  When no apology was forthcoming I voiced my grievance and then all hell broke loose.  Naturally it was all my fault and it was me being awful.  All I wanted was a brief apology.  All he’d had to do was say sorry and it’d have been fine.  But no.  I got an earful for taking it the way I did.  And he wouldn’t even attempt to understand why I might have taken any offence at all.  There was certainly no apology.  And so I ended up having to flee the situation.  I hate that he can still do this to me.  I hate that he can still scare me with his temper.  I hate that he still treats me like this, and I hate that he tried to pin all the blame on me, as if his response was reasonable.  If I’d made some thoughtless remark like that, I’d have just apologised.  I really didn’t make that big a deal of it.  And I certainly didn’t deserve the earful I got.  And it was in public too.  Cringe.

Oh well, hopefully that’ll be it again for a while.  Hmm.  Then again, if money’s becoming a stress for him again, what with Christmas…

I must be more positive.  I must.  It’ll all be fine.

I hate this time of year.

World Prematurity Day

As it’s November 17th, and therefore World Prematurity Day, I just thought I’d tell a little bit about my experiences with a premature baby.  The Child was born prematurely as I had severe pre-eclampsia, and it was decided that to carry on my pregnancy could prove too dangerous to both myself and The Child.  I really don’t want to dwell on how dangerous as the whole thing still kind of freaks me out a bit if I’m honest.  And I really don’t want to go through it again, hence my decision never to have any more children.  Anyway, one thing I remember very clearly is that the midwives and doctors were all very surprised that The Child was the right size for her level of development given the complications.  And when she was born she was amazingly healthy for a premature baby.  She scored an eight on her first Apgar test, and any parent will know that that is rare even for a full term baby.  It was a huge relief, as even though the survival rate for babies born five weeks early is ninety-nine percent, that means that here in Britain, one in every hundred babies born five weeks early dies due to being born too early. 

Due to being premature, I was only able to hold The Child for a couple of minutes after giving birth before she had to be taken away and put in an incubator.  She looked so small, and we didn’t have any clothes that fit her as we hadn’t been prepared for her early arrival at all.  Only a couple of hours had passed between the doctors deciding that I needed to be induced so early, and me actually being sent to the delivery room.  And The Ex wasn’t particularly supportive.  I remember being terrified that something would happen to The Child.  It was even more scary as I was not entirely sure why it was even happening.  I had read a bit about pre-eclampsia before being admitted to hospital, as my midwife had been so convinced that I had it.  The hospital had always sent me back home though saying I was just dehydrated.  This was because I complained of bad headaches, like the migraines I used to get when I was a teenager.  I was unprepared for the hospital to suddenly start taking me seriously.  And I still wonder what might have happened if I had been given some treatment to keep my blood pressure under control.  Was it preventable?  I am just very grateful that The Child was, and still is very healthy. 

Others are not as lucky as us.

Argh!

Why did I do it?  Grrr.  Why did I ask the questions?  Grrr.  Ok they needed asking.  I needed to do it for my own sanity.  And I did know before I asked that I might not be a hundred per cent happy with the response.  Grrr.  I expected the response I got though, so it’s not like it’s a huge surprise, but still.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  And one minute I’m feeling awful, guilty and miserable, and the next I’m angry and pissed off.  I’m angry with myself for letting things get to this point.  I’m angry with myself for not asking these questions sooner.  I’m angry with myself for not just trusting my instincts and running for the hills in the first place.  And yet I’m also cross with him.  He knew how I felt yet he pushed anyway.  He knew his position yet he pushed anyway.  He knows exactly what he’s done too, despite my assurances that it’s all fine.  And now I’m too much of a wimp to tell him what I’m feeling, because no matter how much of this situation is his fault, I could have said no and put an end to everything before it even started.  I could have just ceased all contact.  And I didn’t.  I could have found the answers to my questions sooner, but I didn’t.  But he shouldn’t have assured me he wouldn’t hurt me when he knew he would.  Grrrrr.  Men.  Grrrrr.  Selfish.  That’s what he was.  Selfish.  And so was I.  Maybe.  Though maybe it started as me just finding it hard to say no.  But there must have been an element of selfishness.  Or maybe I’m just a masochist?  I guess what I’m really guilty of is hope.  Hope.  It’s a dangerous thing.  I must learn not to hope anymore.  It’s never done me any good in the past.  I always end up disappointed and humiliated.  I specialise at that.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  And now I probably just seem self obsessed and morose.  Maybe I am those things too.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  But I never claimed to be a good person.  Sure I try to be nice, but a nice person wouldn’t have got herself into this situation in the first place.  I guess I just got what I deserve.

Celibacy is definitely the way forward.  But have I really learnt my lesson.  I’m possibly more insane than the rest of the world, so probably not.  I like to think I have, but The Situation might not be over yet.  It probably is though.  In a way I really hope it is.  But I’m not sure.  If he doesn’t let it go, I don’t know what I’ll actually do.  Grrrrr.  I hate feeling like this.  I really do need to learn to switch all these feelings off.  I need to become a robot I think.  Maybe then I’ll be a more rational person.  I need to stop being so sensitive anyway.

And I’m finding writing a CV nigh on impossible.  Selling myself?  Never something I’ve been any good at.  I’m too self effacing.  Maybe that’s why I’m such a sucker for flattery.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

My Daughter’s Dad

That is of course The Ex.  I tend not to refer to him as my daughter’s dad though, even though he is.  But today he introduced me to two different people as his daughter’s mum.  Now I’m not sure why but I felt just a little bit uncomfortable with that.  I think I’d rather he referred to me as his ex-girlfriend really.  I might even prefer him to refer to me as his ex-fiancée than as his daughter’s mum.  I mean, as much as I might regret my relationship with The Ex and stuff, we were together for four and a half years.  And again, as much as I hate to admit it we were actually technically engaged for a while.  But no, I am merely his daughter’s mum.  Hmm.  It doesn’t really bother me actually, I just thought it was a bit strange.  And what was actually said was something like, “No she’s not my girlfriend.  We’re just friends, but she’s my daughter's mum.  We’re the best of friends now though.”  At least he got the not his girlfriend but right.  Friends might be pushing it a bit.  Or maybe I’m being harsh.  Sometimes I would consider him kind of a friend.  I wouldn’t say we’re the best of friends though.  And we were only out shopping together given that we’re hunting out presents and party stuff for The Child.  And was that fun.  I am dreading the next joint shopping trip.  Best of friends indeed.  His daughter’s mum.  Then again, perhaps people around town will think we were never really any more than friends.  Hmm.  Perhaps not so bad?

The number of kids coming to The Child’s party continues to increase too.  In fact, we’ve only has one say he’s unable to come so far,  Maybe we should have invited fewer?  The next shopping trip might just break the bank.  Eek!

And a slightly different topic.  Buy a webcam or not?  The dilemma.  Though I’m veering more towards getting one than before.  I freaked out slightly while pricing some up earlier though.  And it had nothing to do with the cost.  Oh how I love overcomplicated situations.  Hmm.

And so it Starts

“I like black hair. I wish I had black hair.”  And so The Child’s dissatisfaction with her appearance begins.  And she’s not yet even five.  Joy.  Her hair is a nice colour though.  It’s the same colour as mine, and hairdressers are always telling me what a gorgeous colour it is.  But her hair is probably one of the better things to hate.  Of course, she doesn’t hate her hair really.  Not yet anyway.  And when she’s bigger she’ll find something more problematic to fixate on.  I hate my nose.  And my tummy.  Though maybe hate is too strong a word.  Both could be improved let’s put it that way, but I’d rather leave them as they are than get surgery.  Not that I disapprove of surgery completely, if it makes you happy.  It’d be nice if people could be happy without resorting to that though of course.

I managed to nearly set the house on fire this morning too.  The electric heater started making this dodgy sounding crackling noise, and when I turned it off it sparked and there was a fair bit of smoke.  No fire though, thank god.  Of course, now we’ve no electric heater, and as gas costs a fortune, we might just have to freeze to death while we get ready for school.  I can’t afford to have the heating on for that long.  Then again, when I get a job all the extra cash (that which doesn’t fund the childcare bill anyway) can pay for the gas.  And I could try and replace it of course.  It’s my parents’ heater though.  I hope they aren’t too mad that we bust it.  I’m sure they won’t be.  They’ll probably just be relieved that there was no fire either.  Not the most fun way to start your Monday morning.  On the plus side the snails are still alive, so there’s some good too.  And we get rid of them back to school today.  Bless them.  They’re strange creatures are snails. 

And oh no.  The Child has found the Argos catalogue.  She wants just about everything for her birthday.  Joy.

Bonfire Night

The Child continues to be scared of fireworks.  We nearly made it to the fireworks display at Filey, but as we approached and the fireworks started, so did the ‘I want to go home’ tantrum.  As annoying as it might have been, it was expected.  And we got to see some fireworks as we drove home.  It’d just be nice to actually be able to do stuff like this with her without there being a tantrum.  And yes, I know she’s scared of loud sounds, but it is becoming quite a problem.  At times anyway.  I can’t even get her on a train.  Grrr.  Oh well.

The snails go back to school tomorrow.  They’ve been really boring all day today.  The Child and I were hoping to be able to hold them, but they’ve both been stuck to the lid of the tank all afternoon.  Boring things.  I hope I haven’t accidentally killed them.  I have to confess I am becoming increasingly concerned by their inactivity.  Is the tank too dry?  Is it too moist?  Did I not wash the veg well enough, and have I accidentally finished them off with pesticides?  I need to stop stressing.  They’ll probably come alive again soon.  I hope so anyway.  Hmmm.  I can’t even manage plants, so maybe I shouldn’t have attempted snails.  Oh dear.  But I’m sure they’ll be fine.  Hopefully anyway.

Snails

The Child and I shall be looking after her class snails this weekend.  In theory they are very easy to look after.  They’re African Land Snails, and so require a heat pad as well as green veg and water squirting on their tank.  I say in theory though as I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve bitten off a bit more than I can chew here.  The Child has a bit of a destructive streak you see.  Hmm.  Fingers crossed we manage not to kill the poor things.  At least I’m not grossed out by snails.  But then again if I was, we wouldn’t have put our names down for snail duty.  Trust The Child to be the first in her class to take on snail duty though.  Bless her.  Anyway, I hope we succeed in keeping them alive over the weekend.

The Ex and I have also managed to get The Child’s birthday party more or less organised.  Scary.  And after The Child’s party, I’ve a gangster themed night out.  A fun month ahead for me it seems.  And for once I’m not being entirely sarky.

Halloween Fun

The Child had a great evening.  In fact she had a great day really.  She wasn’t at school as they had a training day.  She’s back tomorrow though, thank god.  Anyway, we were up at the crack of dawn this morning, and before she’d even had her breakfast, The Child was dressing up in her Halloween costume.  She was a vampire devil princess apparently.  In other words, she was wearing a vampiress type ball gown looking thingy, with a devil mask.  She looked cute in an amusing sort of way, bless her.  And her mask was a little bit big so it kept falling down.  She didn’t mind though.

Anyway, we kicked the day off by baking up a huge batch of spider, witch and bat gingerbread biscuits.  The Child ate a fair few, but we had plenty left for the trick or treaters.  We missed most of them anyway as we were out ourselves.  The Ex came round as he really wanted to take The Child out.  I think he had almost as much fun as her actually.  And she got a pretty good haul.  We had the obligatory pre-bedtime ‘I want more sweets’ tantrum, but she went to bed without too much trouble.  Of course I’ve done it now.  She’ll be wanting to go out every Halloween.  I’m sure I’ll be able to bear it though.  Besides, maybe I won’t have to tag along next time.

And so the half term holiday comes to an end.  Early mornings I can take if only for the sake of a bit of peace.  This has been one of the longest weeks of my life.  Only because my dad was so busy working though.  If he hadn’t of been, we would have spent more time at my parents I’m sure.  Perhaps I rely on them a bit too much during holidays?  But now the weather’s colder there isn’t so much to do around here.  Admittedly we did go and feed the ducks.  We just didn’t hang around in playgrounds.  Oh well.  I’m dreading the ice hill that I’m sure will come with winter.  Joy.  But I should try not to dwell on that too much.  Besides, I’ve still got The Situation to occupy my mind.  Hmm.

Birthday Fun

Maybe fun isn’t the right word.  It is The Child’s birthday soon, and so I am in a panic regarding the party.  How many people do we invite?  Where do we hold it?  Costs?  Well, of course I’ve calculated that it will cost a fortune.  My house is too small to host a kids’ party.  It’s too small to host any party really.  Anyway, that means I’ll need to hire somewhere.  I have my fingers crossed we get the church hall nearby.  The Child’s been to parties there too, so I know the setup.  Costs include food and party bags, as well as prizes for the games and balloons and things.  Then we need to decide what games to have.  I hate this.  I’m rubbish with kids.  I hate parties.  Kids’ parties anyway.  I’m not fussed with the party food, and I have an awful feeling that the whole thing will be one huge disaster.  Why oh why did I tell the Child she is having a party?  Then again, she did ask.  And now taht she has been to a few, it’d be mean not to throw one.  But she has so many friends.  We’ve already had a tantrum over me saying that some of the names on her list will need to be removed.  Oh dear.  Fifteen guests is our maximum though I think.  That’s more than I ever had at any of my parties.  That said, I’ve never been overly surrounded by friends.  I’m not really a social butterfly like The Child.  Hmm.  Oh well.  Fingers crossed I manage to get everything sorted, and that it all goes without a hitch.

Proud Mummy Moment

I attended my first parent’s evening today, and I am thrilled to say that The Child got a glowing report.  She’s settled in well, and though she’s quiet, she joins in well with class.  She plays nicely on her own or in a group.  Her teacher said she’s an asset to the class.  I am so proud of her.  And she’s doing really well with her letters apparently.  She also brought home her first reading book today.  And she can actually read some of the words.  As this is all new to me and The Child, I am aware I might be a little bit over thrilled about it all.  But I don’t care.  I’m so proud of her.  And she’s so clever.  But I already knew this of course.  I just wish she could behave as well at home as she does at school.  Hmm.  I can dream I suppose.

And on a somewhat different note, The Canadian has come to her senses, and has split up with Psycho once and for all.  I think.  It’s almost two weeks since she threw him out, so this one’s certainly serious, even if she does change her mind.  It doesn’t look like she will though.  I hope she manages to get herself sorted without him.  I remember how difficult it can be to adjust.  And I am pretty sure that Psycho treated her in a manner similar to (if not worse than) the way The Ex treated me.  I do feel sorry for Psycho’s kid though, as he’s kind of caught in the middle of this.  And he got thrown out too, which I think is wrong.  Kids shouldn’t have to suffer because their parents are twats.  I know I’ve put up with all sorts of crap from The Ex for the sake of The Child.  Anyway, I don’t know what actually went on, but I do hope that The Canadian and Psycho’s child are ok.

One of Those Days

I’m having one of those days I think.  It didn’t start well, and gradually got worse.  At least I didn’t sleep in.  Then again as The Child wouldn’t get ready, and then managed to drop a new loo roll down the loo, we ended up setting off late for school.  Somehow we actually made it on time though.  But I don’t like starting off my day with heaps of stress. 

After I got home I suffered further attacks of guilt, and so spent most of the day trying to distract myself.  I seem to have developed a dependency on chocolate again, which is not good.  I must not get myself chocolate when I feel guilty.  It will not erase it, and will only cost me money I should be spending elsewhere.  i think I get enough exercise to counteract the potential weight gain issue there.  Hmm.  It still isn’t good though.  But feeling guilty about the chocolate is marginally more bearable than the guilt I feel over The Situation.

I also got my free credit, about an hour after I’d topped up.  The free credit of course meant that I didn’t need to top up.  If only it had come through an hour sooner.  Grrr.  I'd have needed to top up sooner or later of course, but it would have bought me a bit more time.

The highlight of the day so far has to be scraping dog poo out of The Child’s shoe with a cocktail stick though.  Hmm.  At least I managed to get the shoe cleaned up.  And at least it was only the one.  So maybe today wasn't so bad.  It could certainly have been loads worse.  But there’s still plenty of time in which things can go wrong.  And I've definitely had my fill for one day.  And though what I’ve put might seem trivial, I have not given details of what’s going on in my head.  For a start that’s just a bit too personal, and also, I don’t think anyone really needs to know just how neurotic I actually am.  Oh well, hopefully tomorrow will run a little more smoothly.

Bipolar? Hmm.

Ok, I’m beginning to wonder if I might be a bit bipolar.  Of course, I’m not suggesting I actually have bipolar disorder, it’s just that one day I’ll be feeling really positive about stuff, and then suddenly I’m right back down again.  It’s not particularly fun to say the least.  And nothing can shake the feeling that I’m a bad person.  Except when I’m in one of my more positive moods of course.  Actually, I think it’s the guilt and subsequent doubts that bring me back down again.  I really ought to get out of The Situation.  But at times I feel so positive, and wonder if it is actually worth hanging on.  Things might work out ok after all.  They might.  But of course that thought there relies on hope.  I don’t have a good track record with hope.  Hope usually leads to disappointment.  And this time disappointment could lead to getting hurt.  Hmm.  i really don’t want to get hurt.  But I don’t want to hurt anyone else either.  But in these situations someone always gets hurt.  Why does it have to be so complicated?  Grrr.

So anyway, today I’m on a downer again.  I’ll probably be fine later though.  And this is why it’s so maddening.  Why can’t I just figure out what I want?  Perhaps if I could do that, then I could lay my cards on the table.  Of course, I know what would happen then.  But why can’t I let this go?  Grrr.  I need to I think.  But at the same time, I don’t want to throw away a chance of being happy.  It’s about time some happiness came my way I think.  But I don’t know.  Confusion continues to rule my life for now then.  And in the mean time I am subjected to some wacky mood swings.  Hmm.  Fun.  Though it could be worse.  Perhaps.

Why Can’t Life Be Simpler?

The Situation continues.  In fact it is fast spiralling out of my control.  Last night I think I must have taken all leave of my senses.  Yet, I don’t feel as bad as I should I don’t think.  Well, I feel kind of bad, but not for the reasons that I should.  Though I do sort of feel guilty.  A bit.  A lot at times actually.  It just doesn’t pray on me as much as other stuff I guess.  Hmm.  And to be fair, The Situation could be a lot worse.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do.  I know what I should do, but it doesn’t correlate with what I want to happen.  Of course, what I want to happen probably won’t happen at all.  Hmm.  Why can’t life be more simple?  Why can’t things work out better?  Perhaps I’ll feel differently about all this one day.  I hope so anyway, because this veering between happiness and despair is messing my head up a little.  Well, the mind messing up could actually have another cause, and maybe The Situation is a result of the mind messing up.  And now I’m pretty sure I’m not even making sense.  Grrr.  It can’t carry on like this for long though.  It really can’t.  I’ll go insane if it does.  And I really don’t want that to happen.

On a positive, I have been in a bizarrely good mood most of the day.  And I also found some boots at long last!  The search for replacement boots is now over.  And they weren’t that expensive either, thanks to a sale.  So, some good happened today.  And more might I suppose.  I just wish The Situation would come to a conclusion of sorts.  And I know I could bring it to a conclusion myself, by putting an end to it.  But I’m still hoping for the outcome I want.  It might happen.  It probably won’t but it might.  And that’s how sane, and relatively intelligentish women are lost I guess.  Or maybe I’m actually incredibly dim.  Either way, I am such an idiot.  Grrr.  Yet I shall carry on for now, hoping for the best.  I am definitely insane.

Grandma

Well, The Child has been very amusing lately.  She’s over the wanting to be an owl phase now, and instead wants to either make ice cream or chocolate when she’s bigger.  She also wants five babies.  She’s decided on names as well.  Bob, Daisy, Toby, Lucy, and Jamie.  And she’s adamant about the names.  they’re more important than the actual sex of the babies.  Though I suspect she just hasn’t accepted the fact that you don’t get to choose what you have.  Oh, and she’s already decided that my mum and me are going to babysit all these babies for her.  And she also told me that you get lots of energy by eating food, and you need lots of energy to grow babies.  She talks a lot about growing babies in her tummy.  Bless her.  Though I really don’t see any reason to rush.  Hmm, are we approaching awkward questions perhaps?  I really hope not.  I’m so not ready for that yet.  Eek.

Problem Solved for Now?

Well, things seem to have returned to normal on The Ex front.  This is kind of a relief, but it would have been nice to have solved some of our differences.  All problems have once again been swept under the carpet, free to resurface at any moment, as usual.  I just hope that this time there’s a decent period between blow ups.  I can handle the occasional blow up every now and then, but the frequent ones?  Not so good.  Not that the other ones are good either, but more bearable.  There’s time to get over it all, and almost forget it ever happened.  Hmm.  Oh well, I’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

The Child’s still enjoying school.  We’ve read a fair few school books now, not that she’s actually learning to read yet.  Instead school just give out books for us to read to our kids.  A good idea for those who don’t really do books I guess, but for those of us who do, well, it’s part of the usual bedtime routine.  I just have to remember to fill in the Reading Record thing.  And the Weekend Book.  All fun.  I do find I am really missing The Child though.  After  teatime I find myself sitting with her watching awful kids TV, just so I can spend a bit more time with her.  It’s nice actually, and a bit of a relief.  I am maternal after all it seems.  And she doesn’t complain. 

The Situation is kind of getting potentially interesting.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad.  Could be either really.  Hmm.  I just don’t want to get hurt again.  I need to keep the defences up I think.  Maybe celibacy would be a good choice?  Grrrr!

Am I Really to Blame for Everything?

Another run in with The Ex.  These really are getting all too common.  This one was one of the bad ones where I was left feeling scared though.  I hate that he can still make me feel like that.  I hate feeling so vulnerable.  And it leaves me feeling just a little bit pathetic.  We split up almost four years ago now.  How can he still make me feel so small?  I’m pretty sure I’m not the evil harridan he makes me out to be though.  I hope I’m not otherwise I’m one hell of a megabitch.  I don’t want to be a megabitch.  I usually try to be polite and inoffensive.  Yes I’m painfully shy, but that’s as close as I come to being rude.  I can be snappy with people I’m close to when I’m tired or ill or stressed, but that still doesn’t make me a she devil does it?  I am only human after all.  But when he starts screaming at me that I said this or I said that, he won’t let me defend myself.  I’ll try and explain that he’s twisting my words, or taken something out of context, or made it up completely, but he just won’t listen.  And he gets nastier and nastier.  Maybe I am just pathetic.  But I bounce back now.  It’s easier to when you don’t live with it.  I’m just glad my parents were there to help me get out when I did.

So, I know that I’m not really to blame for everything.  It’s when he’s on the attack that it’s difficult to see sense.  And even when I can see sense, it’s almost impossible to get the point across, as he just won’t listen.  He’ll talk over me when I’m trying to explain, and then get cross with me for saying nothing.  He won’t accept that I had tried to say something.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.  I think I need to move away from him really if things are going to get bad like this.  But I wouldn’t know where to go.  And he’d never forgive me if I moved away with The Child.  I have to think about her though, and this situation is not good for her at all.  Especially as he knows where we live.  And I have reason to think he still looks at my diary, and/or my phone.  He knows some personal things I haven’t told him about.  I really don’t like him very much right now.  Hmm.

Putting on a Brave Face

Well, I spent a great portion of the morning today feeling very low.  I can’t really say why.  Perhaps it was the weather.  Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m nowhere near where I hoped I would be at this point in my life.  Still, I’ve got plenty of time to turn things around.  And I did cheer up when The Child and me went round to my parents’ for the afternoon.  We had fish and chips for tea as well, which was a nice treat as I don’t have those very often.  It’s just one of those things really I guess.  As The Child doesn’t eat fish and chips, I don’t see it as worth traipsing out for them just for myself.  I’d much rather just cook something for the pair of us.  Anyway, I think I’ve decided I just need to try and ignore it when I’m feeling a bit down.  I need to force myself to feel positively about my situation in life.  And maybe things will get better soon.  When I get a job (I am trying not to think of it as ‘if’, but ‘when’) I might make new friends, and I might manage to create myself some sort of life beyond my family.  And maybe I shall move on from The Ex and meet someone suitable.  I might not though, but in that case I’m probably better off on my own.  I’m probably better off on my own anyway of course.

So, there it is, I need to put on a brave face and go out there.  I need to stop letting things get me down.  And I must find a job before July, so that The Child and I aren’t forced to move into a hovel.  But bearing in mind another factory nearby has just been shut down, competition for jobs is going to be even fiercer.  Hmm.  No.  I shall manage to get myself a job, and very soon.  I’ll be fine.  The Child will be fine.  And maybe our current government will disappear, and perhaps some honest politicians can be found somewhere to run the place.  Honest politician.  An oxymoron perhaps?  Hmm.  Maybe I’m just being cynical.

The Things Kids Say

Well, I am both amused and a little freaked out by The Child’s plans for the future. Ok, she is only four, so it’s actually really no big deal whatsoever.  Anyway, whether she has a boy or a girl she’s apparently going to call her baby Daisy, and put flowers in his or her hair.  Not so bad a plan admittedly, except the boy with the girly name and flowers in his hair.  Then again, people would probably still know he was a boy.  I distinctly remember one day when The Ex and I had dressed our precious baby in a hideous all pink, frilly babygrow thing (purely because it was gift, and I’d have felt bad if it had never been worn at all) some people still asked us what “he” was called.  I was not amused.  But anyway, I digress.  The baby’s going to be called Daisy regardless of it’s sex.  The best bit though is that he/she is not going to have a dad.  He/she is going to have two mums, The Child and myself.  She wants to marry me when she’s bigger you see.  I’m not going to bother explaining the impossibility of this yet.  i shall save that for another day.  I’m sort of flattered that I am her current choice, but I think Freud would have a field day in this household.  At least she doesn’t want to marry The Ex when she’s bigger though.  Now that would be much worse.

A Run-In With The Ex

Joy.  The Ex seems to know an alarming amount about my life.  And we’re talking stuff I don’t exactly shout from the rooftops, like my current situation.  How he knows what’s going on I’d love to know.  Well, I have a guess, but I could be wrong.  I just wish The Ex would be straight with me, so I could sort this whole thing out.  Grrrrrrrrr.  But he can never be straight with me.  And it’s none of his business.  And he’s jumped to conclusions that probably aren’t even there.  Why can’t he just keep his nose out?  But then again he’s always tried to control me.  God knows what will happen if I ever actually meet anyone.  It'll probably never happen because The Ex will butt in as if I’m his property.  And I never was his property.  I am a person.  It is an ownership like thing though I think, this issue he has.  He used to tell people I was his wife back when we were still together, even though we weren’t ever married.  That used to really irritate me.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.  I’m just really cross that he’s reacted like this to something that isn’t what he thinks it is (at least I don’t think it is), that is none of his business anyway even if it was.  So yeah, it was a good day.

The Child was in a better mood this evening I think.  Perhaps she’s getting used to the full days at school?  Or maybe she was just in a good mood.  Who knows?  I’m not going to complain as it made for a nice pleasant evening.

I’m treating myself to a hair cut tomorrow.  Mind you, given it’s kind of necessary as my hair’s looking a bit of a mess, perhaps it’s not so much of a treat.  That and the fact I am rubbish at small talk.  Hmm.  Oh well.

Just When You Think You Know Where You Stand …

Well, The Child and I are two days in to her being at school for the full day, and we’re both struggling.  She was grumpy this morning, and on the way home.  I was grumpy this morning, and had a nap about lunchtime.  I was therefore a bit less grumpy on the way home.  Hmm.  Perhaps I’ll wait until we’re a bit more settled into this routine before job hunting.  And no, it’s not just an excuse.  While I’m feeling like this I don’t think I’d do a particularly good job of persuading someone to give me a job.  Hopefully we’ll be sorted by the end of the week though, or by the end of next week at the absolute latest.  I must get an early night tonight.

Anyway, this situation I’m in, well, I kind of managed to figure out where I was and where I stood and everything.  Turns out it’s not so simple.  Well perhaps it is.  I could be right.  But I’m not so sure again.  What I need to do is figure out how to turn into some unfeeling bitch.  Actually that’s not true.  I certainly need to be less sensitive.  And perhaps I could grow the balls to actually ask where I stand, though in different words of course.  But in a way I don’t want to force things.  I guess I’m a bit scared of what might be said.  Why can’t life be just a little bit easier.  At least I’m being more cautious than I was last year.  I might not have learned the lesson completely, but I learned something.  And I’m still not entirely sure how I actually feel myself.  Nostalgia or real?  Hmm.  I’ll have to think about it.  Or try and forget about it.  I don’t know.  Argh!

And to go back to the school topic, well today’s school run was a nightmare.  When they put a sign up asking parents not to pass the skittles, why can’t the parents actually stay put and not pass the skittles?  The Child couldn’t get into school because the gate in was blocked by a million parents who had passed the skittles.  Then there were those us capable of reading who hung back.  The Child managed to squeeze past, after being trodden on by numerous mums and dads.  Grrrr.  They can’t read, and they can’t look where they’re going.  Grrrrrrrr.  And it was pretty much the same deal at home time too.  Can you go and get your own child when they come out?  No, because a million idiots have surged forward, past the skittles, and are blocking the gate.  Not only can you not see your own kid, he or she can’t see you.  The whole thing gets gridlocked, and there are loads of panicked kids trying to find their parents among the crowd.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Just a minor irritation though.  And The Child still loves school.  She’s not so sure about the early mornings though.  Hmmm.  Just a few more days and we’ll be fine.  I shall keep telling myself this, and then I might actually come to believe it.  She’s going to bed early now though, and without complaint as well.  Yay.

A Testing Time?

Now this might be a bit of a rambling post.  I’m not sure yet.  I guess I just felt the need to write, and instead of choosing my diary (which I haven’t written in for an age.  I need to take that up again I think) I chose here.  Now, I’ve been feeling a bit lost I guess for a wee while now.  Perhaps it started with the summer holidays, when I became Mum on an entirely permanent basis for six weeks.  Perhaps with a little more time I shall find myself again.  I’m not able to define myself through my child.  I need to be someone separate to Mum.  I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing.  All I know is that for me parenthood is not enough.  I need something else, though I’ve still no idea what. 

I like writing though.  I always have.  I’ve written for as long as I can remember.  I'm not particularly good at it I don’t think, but that’s not the point.  I don’t write on here hoping that loads of people will read what I post.  I write on here because I need to write something somewhere.  And perhaps through doing this I might find myself again.  I need to write some of my book again, and I haven’t actually stopped that.  I just haven’t added much.  I’m lucky if I can manage a page a day at the moment.  And I know that taking a break can be a good thing sometimes, it’s a concern when I am actually feeling the need to write.  Perhaps it’s just a lack of inspiration right now.  I need to try and not let things distract me too much.  But do I really want to be completely insular?  As much as I want to write this book, I’m not convinced I shall ever be satisfied enough with it to ever try and publish it.  And if somehow I ever am, well, that’s no guarantee of success.  Actually, my generally cynical nature as well as statistics tells me how unlikely that will be.  And so my book is basically a work in progress about a subject I feel passionate about, and though I am trying to write something I might one day try and publish, it is still something I do more out of love of writing and creating a story, than out of ambition to be an author.  And as I’ve already said, I don’t actually think I’m talented enough to be an author.

So, one thing I love doing is writing.  It helps calm me a little when I’m stressed.  Sometimes, depending on what I’m writing it can even help me order my thoughts.  It can help me retain some sanity.  It’s something I should definitely do more of.  I need to return to my diary as well, to face any personal crises really as some things I don’t want to share here, just in case someone does read it.  I’ve not filled a diary since the Postie situation though.  Perhaps my experiences there put me off.  I know that whole thing helped me lose faith in men further.  And The Ex damaged me more than enough there.  I suppose the reason I still feel funny about the whole Postie thing was that occurred just as I was finally feeling able to ‘get back out there’ so to speak.  I was just beginning to build my confidence again.  And then he came along and knocked me back down again.  I really am far too naive.  And I haven’t learned much I don’t think. 

So, from The Ex I learned to fear a bad temper.  I learned not to commit to anything.  I learned not to settle.  Because of The Ex my standards should have been raised too high.  Instead I just think I’m one hell of a damaged individual.  I long to meet someone I can commit to, who can love me and who I can love in return.  I just want to be happy.  Yet because of The Ex, I’m untrusting when someone seems interested.  I go cool, and all but run in the other direction.  But then, just a tiny bit of encouragement and I get my hopes up.  I try not to give that fact away by attempting to remain cool.  Whether I am too cool, or whether the facade is obvious I don’t know.  I guess that’s part of the reason I feel so let down by my confrontation with Postie.  It wasn’t really a confrontation of course, but I did attempt to find out if he had an issue with me.  When he denied that fact it was fair enough.  Except that he was clearly lying.  But what happened a week or so later, when it became obvious that there was a definite problem, well, that was cruel.  Of course, what he said might not have been for my ears.  I was holding a screaming child, and he was speaking with a lowered voice.  He was also on the phone to his girlfriend.  Ok, that is an assumption on my part, but what he said to The Child just prior to The Comment implied it was the girlfriend he was on the phone to.  I don’t know.  I just think I'm a hopeless case and a lost cause when it comes to men now.  I’m someone they should approach with caution.  I’m way too neurotic.  And I’m still somewhat mortified by the fact that I’m in my mid/late twenties, and the only boyfriend I’ve ever actually had was The Ex.  Hence him being The Ex rather than an ex. 

And despite the above, I know I should not be convinced that there’s something wrong with me, but I can’t help it.  I am a complete headcase.  But admitting there’s a problem is the first step towards recovery right?  Perhaps there’s hope for me yet.  And I can hold my head high when I pass Postie in the street.  I won’t risk saying ‘hello’ yet though.  I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea of course.  And there I am, able to look back on that period with humour now.  Yay.  It was only just over a year ago.  I’ve only very recently got over some of the stuff with The Ex and The Family.  But I guess that went on for a longer period.  In a way it still continues.  I should hate him really, The Ex.  I just don’t have the energy or inclination though. 

But you would think I’d have learnt to be more guarded with my feelings wouldn’t you?  Actually, the current situation, I think I am being guarded enough.  I’m not as something as could be.  I’m just a bit confused and lost in myself.  The situation may have contributed, but it’s by no means a cause.  And if I’d been feeling happy and secure lately, I’d probably be completely unaffected whatsoever.  It’s just a ‘what if’ scenario.  Nothing more.  And I am trying to convince myself of that.  I am.  And for the most part I’m succeeding.

And yes, it was a long rambling kind of post.  It probably doesn’t make sense either, but never mind.  I just wanted to get my feelings down I guess.  And now I have, I feel somewhat lighter.  Hopefully the feeling will last for the rest of the day.  And I am free until half twoish, when I have to set off to pick The Child up from school.  In theory I’m really free until two fifty-five.  Woohoo!  And after the weekend I’ve just had, the break is refreshing.  I’m sure I’ll feel a bit lost by pick up time though.  Oh well.

Twits and Fairies

Well, today I’ve been pondering the difference between twits and fairies.  Mainly because The Child got them confused in spectacular fashion.  “Look Mum, it’s a twit!”  “No, it’s a fairy godmother.”  “Look Mum, more twits!”  “No, they’re fairies.”  Was a fun morning. 

There is one person who is undoubtedly a twit though, and that’s me.  I won’t go into specifics, but I really should have seen it coming and I didn’t.  Hmm.  I’m much too naive I think.  I definitely need to start facing the big bad world, and get me some life experience, beyond being messed around by a guy who allegedly loves me.  And having a child way too young.  Though not everyone considers twenty-three too young.  It’s younger than ideal though.

I feel so confused though, and unsure what it is I’m actually feeling.  Not that it really matters given the circumstances.  I just don’t want to get hurt again.  And I really regret that joke I made to my mum recently.  What could possibly happen to me?  Hmm.  Yeah.  But maybe it’s not that bad.  Or maybe it is.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Things The Child Says Because of Me

• For God’s sake!
• Oh my God!
• Dammit!
• What the hell?
• Jesus!

It could be worse though.

Things she’s got from other people:

• Hey guys
• Bingo (never used in context)
• I didn’t even know (never used in context)

It’s amazing she hasn’t picked up more yet really.  Or perhaps she has and she just hasn’t said whatever it is in front of me yet.  Hmmm.  Must watch what I am saying more when I’m with her.  I’m just waiting for her to share bits of conversations I’ve had with people now.  That’ll be fun when it happens.

The Model of Fatherhood

Psycho does it again!  Hew excels himself each time I think.  His kid has just moved over from America.  For some reason I think Psycho might have full custody or something now.  Though I’m not entirely sure.  I obviously get all my information via The Ex, and he’s not entirely reliable.  Neither is Psycho it seems.  His son’s only been here for a fortnight, and he’s already being foisted on Matriarch for the weekend.  Psycho and The Canadian are busy you see with the biker weekend thing.  They can’t possibly be parents this weekend.  Charming.  And the poor kid’s probably still adjusting right?  For all my own imperfections, I would never do that to The Child.  I wouldn’t be able to.  And this biker weekend thing is voluntary too.  It’s not like they’re being paid to help out there or anything.  Hmm.  So, Psycho is clearly the perfect model of fatherhood.  Twat.

The Real World Beckons

Well, on Monday The Child starts school full time.  In a way it will be a huge relief.  Two and a half hours just isn’t long enough to get much done, especially when you deduct the twenty minutes devoted to walking to school in order to pick her up.  Having the bulk of the day in order to get things done will be nice, but I shall miss her.  It will be strange not being interrupted every few minutes, but nice.  I’ll probably bawl my eyes out Monday morning.  Bless her.  She’s so grown up now. 

She was at the hospital yesterday, and the appointment wasn’t cancelled!  She was seen!  And she’s being referred to a physiotherapist for exercises to strengthen the muscles.  She doesn’t have any problems yet, but left on its own problems could develop so I’m glad we got her checked out.  And the consultant wants to see her again in six months.  I still hate hospitals though.

And so the change is almost complete.  Once The Child has started full time, the job hunting can commence.  I might give myself a week to adjust though.  Or is that too generous?  I suppose I can just see what’s going next week, and take it from there.  I’ve never done this before though, so it’s a bit nerve-wracking.  Hopefully I’ll find something bearable, and who knows, I might even make some friends.  I could do with knowing a few more people around here.  The Ex isn’t exactly ‘best buddy’ material.

I need to get out of my little bubble.  It’ll do me good.  And who knows, I might encounter more madness.  I’m not sure if that would be good or bed though.  Perhaps a bit of both?  Then again, if I’m as crazy as I’m beginning to suspect I am, perhaps I can provide the madness.

Oh, and here’s a bit of madness.  I’ve been stupid enough to broach the topic of The Past with The Ex.  It wasn’t a particularly good idea.  We ended up falling out again.  I don’t really understand why it’s such a big deal for him.  Maybe things aren’t as sorted between us as I thought?  Anyway, I think that’s what started this whole awkward phase with him.  It’s over a month since I first brought this up though, but it has been an on and off thing for a few weeks now.  Perhaps I have too many questions.  Or maybe he’s just super sensitive about it.  Or maybe he’s not as over everything as me.  I wish he’d just tell me the problem, then perhaps I wouldn’t be so tense around him.  The tension thing will only exacerbate things of course.  I’m not good to know when I’m being tense and stressy.  Hmm.  A few of my friends are being all nostalgic though, so it’s not just me.  I guess it serves a purpose if something can be learned from the past, or if things can be put to rest.  I’m holding so much baggage, I could do with some offloading I think.  But it’s not so good when it just throws things in the present off kilter, with no obvious sign of anything being resolved.  I need to do a serious case of moving on.  A new job, new friends (while staying in touch with the old ones too of course), that’s what I need I think.  I hope.  And I hope I get it sorted soon.  So, down the jobcentre Monday?  Or leave it a week?  Decisions.  Not my strong point.  Hmm.  And I really need to stop wittering on about the same things over and over.  Oh well.