A Good Day

I’ve finished my final essay!  Yay!  I think I’ll treat myself to a little something when I go out to the shops tomorrow.  Or I suppose I could consider the books I just ordered online my treat.  Or the copy of Süddeutsche Zeitung Magazin: Sonderheft Rammstein that’s currently on it’s way to me from Germany.  Hmm.  Though it is a long time since I had wine.  Ages in fact. 

So I have managed to finish my 3000 word essay at long last.  Actually it didn’t take me that long to write.  I’m going to reward myself this evening be relaxing with Bring up the Bodies.  I’ve almost finished it actually, and am finding it a much easier read than Wolf Hall for some reason. 

And did I mention my copy of Süddeutsche Zeitung Magazin: Sonderheft Rammstein was posted to me yesterday?  Hopefully it’ll get here soon.  Can’t wait.  And then I’ll be able to read literary works about Tudor England while perving over German musicians.  Is it strange that that’s my current idea of heaven?  Forget becoming a counsellor, perhaps I need help myself.

Anyway, I was in desperate need of a day like today.  Today I am happy.  I shall try and recall how I felt at this exact moment when I am next feeling rubbish.  I shall remind myself that I am capable of feeling so good I jump up and down for joy.

Oh yeah, I forgot to pay the water bill today.  Good buzz is gone.  Though I could be feeling worse.

It’s a Scary World Out There

As a result of not getting out much, I spend a lot of time online.  I’m a member of a couple of forums, and lots of my friends post links to interesting things on Facebook.  I post links to less interesting things on Facebook.  But anyway, courtesy of one of my forums, I have found out some rather disturbing information relating to America and abortion laws.  Oh, and the criminalisation of miscarriages too.  So while I can understand how some people may regard abortion as murder (After a certain point anyway.  And I would like to point out here that I am pro-choice), I fail to see how women who suffer miscarriages could be accused of such.  Given there are so many medical reasons for miscarriage it is totally wrong to assume the women have done something to purposely terminate their pregnancies.  It is scary and sickening that this is happening really.  Especially in this day and age where we know a fair bit about biology and everything.  Anyway, I do have a couple of links.  Just hope they work.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/24/america-pregnant-women-murder-charges

http://www.motherjones.com/blue-marble/2011/02/miscarriage-death-penalty-georgia

It’s a scary world out there.  A very scary world.

Fenced In

Watching 9 Songs always leaves me wishing I could go to more gigs.  I miss my very late teens/early twenties.  Now I love The Child, but the more time goes on the more I miss my life pre-motherhood.  I just feel that I’d have more choices if I wasn’t tied to the house with The Child.  And I know I’m not tied to the house while she’s at school, but I spend that time trying to look for jobs and doing work for my counselling skills course.  Actually, the hand in date for my last essay is next Wednesday.  And then it will be over.  Officially.  And I’ll have nothing to do then but job-hunt and do my volunteer job on the occasional Saturday I’m needed.  So yeah, I wish I had more freedom really.  I feel a bit fenced in.  And I need to stop being so self pitying really.  I really can be so miserable sometimes, and no one likes people who’re too self-pitying.  Besides, there are people in far worse situations than me.  I just wish people would understand what it’s like a bit more really.  Though perhaps the summer won’t be that bad.  Perhaps the weather will keep away the worst of the tourists, and perhaps I’ll find a job.  Perhaps The Child will get over this current grim phase she’s going through.  Perhaps she’ll start sleeping again.  And perhaps our house will stop looking like a bomb site.  I’d still love to go to another gig though.  I need gig going friends and a babysitter.  I need something anyway.  I think I’m losing my grip on sanity.  Ironically though, I think the essay I’m writing on depression might actually be helping me hang on to the sanity a bit.  It’s the CBT aspect though I think.  Something will come along soon though.  That or I’ll just manage to keep going as always.  Everything will be fine etc.  I just hope I start believing it soon.

Impasse

So, The Ex and myself have come to some sort of impasse I think.  This is the second nasty row we’ve had recently, and both have ended with him basically performing a character assassination.  Actually, he really needs to figure out what character assassination means as he accuses me of it now.  Apparently my being irritated by his occasional memory lapses and such is character assassination, whereas him criticising just about every aspect of my personality isn’t.  I’m beginning to remember just why our relationship was a complete disaster now though.  Perhaps I was stupid to think we could actually be relatively good friends.  It’s a shame really though considering I’m about as shy as they come and find it really difficult getting to know people.  As a result I have hardly any friends (I’m assuming that’s the reason.  I refuse to believe I’m as unlovable as The Ex would have me believe at times), and those I do have live miles away.  I feel incredibly isolated at times.  I suppose that’s why I’ve clung onto this ‘friendship’ for so long.

I could have done with him realising he just doesn’t like me a few years ago to be honest.  Actually if he’d realised it nine years ago that would have been good.  In fact, he still needs to realise it, as he’s claiming he wants to be my friend still.  For that to work though I need to change just about every aspect of my personality.  Though of course he says my personality isn’t the issue.  To shed a little light, he has issues with my shyness, my quietness, the fact that I’m not particularly extroverted and am rubbish at talking about random things I know nothing about, and the fact that I don’t require his babysitting skills on account of never going out.  Oh and he has issues with my hatred of the government too.  Apparently I act as though I’m the only one they’re screwing over.  Which is of course why I talk about how they’re basically screwing over anyone who isn’t rich.  But never mind.  At least he didn’t attack my atheism.  And in defence of the never going out thing, given he’s like the only friend I have in this town, who am I supposed to be going out with exactly?  My imaginary boyfriend?  Perhaps he just threw that one in to rub in the fact I have no social life, whereas he does.  Good for him I say.  And yes, I might be a little jealous of the fact he has more of a life than I do.  At least I admit it though.  And I am of course hoping that I manage to make some more friends when/if I find a job.

So, we’re at this impasse then.  I don’t think I’m going to be able to perform a personality transplant, so I’m not sure we can remain friends.  And I wish he would try and understand my viewpoint on this.  Perhaps he’s just being a bastard.  He’ll probably take everything he’s said back later.  In which case the question is do I forgive him for the sake of keeping the peace and just wait for the next time?  Or do I put my foot down and say we only talk when it concerns The Child?  And now I’m torn again.  I only made the attempt at friendship in the first place because of The Child.  Grrr.  I wish life was more simple.

Hairy Tales and Nursery Crimes

I’m so happy right now!  I purchased a new CD for The Child.  It’s been ages since I got her a new CD, but this one’s very special as I loved it myself as a child.  Hairy Tales and Nursery Crimes.  I really hope she loves it as much as my sisters and me once did.  She’s been a bit under the weather though lately, suffering from cold after cold, so I figured she deserved a little pick me up.  And it’s one I won’t mind being subjected to too much.  So much better than the Zingzillas anyway.  In my opinion at least.  I’m sure there are some who would disagree.  Namely those who think the fairy tales we were subjected to as children were too scary or something.  To be honest though, I never had a problem with the wolf in Red Riding Hood eating the grandma and then getting cut open at the end by the dad.  But then again I was the kid who was totally disappointed with Jaws.  It just wasn’t gory enough for me.  Oh well.

And I feel I must confess that I let the guitar practice slide last week.  In the course of the week my nails grew to ridiculous lengths, but they are now under control and I am determined to get back on track with the guitar practice.  After all, if I ever want to be able to play anything I must practice.  I’ll keep telling myself that.  But I will be busy writing essays over the next fortnight.  At last I’ve decided what I’m going to do for my final 3000 word essay.  Something about treating depression with cognitive behaviour therapy.  It’ll be fun.  Hmm.  At least when it’s all done I’ll have a university foundation award under my belt, and should be able to go on the foundation degree course whenever I can afford to.  As long as it’s within the next ten years anyway.  We’ll have to see.  And I do have to pass the last two modules of course.  Fingers crossed.

Hobbies

I find the hobbies section of application forms, and in CVs tricky.  I don’t know why really given that I do have hobbies.  I read.  I attempt to write stuff.  Sometimes I try to draw.  I listen to music.  I try to teach myself guitar, and I like going for walks.  All of those are hobbies.  At least I think they are.  So why don’t I like to talk about these things to people?

Well, people always want to know what I write.  Basically I write silly stories that are for my eyes only.  I like to get ideas/daydreams of mine down on paper.  Or into a word processor.  They are rubbish, so I will never let anyone else read them.  I tend not to tell people about this blog though, ‘cause again I’m somewhat uncomfortable with people I know knowing my innermost thoughts.  Not that I post my innermost thoughts really.  I kind of hint at them though.  And occasionally I attempt to make a point or something.  Anyway, I don’t really like to share my writing with people.  And to frank, I don’t think it’s the kind of thing prospective employers care about anyway.  Unless I’d be slagging the job off or something online.

Reading I suppose is a good one to mention as it suggests a desire to learn.  Perhaps anyway.  I suppose it depends what you like reading really, but as I read non-fiction stuff as well as fiction, I suppose maybe my desire to learn would show through.  I hope so anyway.  I love books.  I could live in a bookshop.  I need more bookshelves again actually.  Hmm.

The drawing is another one I tend to not mention.  Actually I tend to even forget about it.  I almost forgot to put it here.  My drawings are just silly childish cartoons, so not really worth mentioning at all.  And people might get the wrong idea and think I try to draw more worthwhile things.  Hmm.  Nope.  Just cartoon spiders and fish:

I suppose I would say I like to try and be creative.  I’m not particularly good at the creative stuff, but I do try.  And I enjoy it.  Even if I’m not very good.  And in my defence regarding my juvenile drawings, I have been drawing those characters since school.  And I’ve branched out a bit.  I stick to the cartoony things though.  Much easier.  And The Child likes them.  She likes it when I attempt to play my guitar as well.  And given that she’s such an outdoorsy type of child, she’s not too averse to the walks either. 

The coast does actually provide some nice scenery for walks actually.  When it’s not packed out with tourists that is, such as those who mistake the cliffs for hills and such.  And when it’s not too grim weather wise.  It’s miserable right now though which means a day inside.  I should be doing housework really.  Joy.

Worried

Ok, I’m seriously beginning to worry about myself.  There are many reasons for this, and I don’t care if it seems that I’m a bit self centred here.  Is it really self centred to be worried about yourself?  I don’t really think so.  Anyway, yeah, I suspect I really should get out more.  Of course, living miles from any of my friends that can be a bit difficult.  Perhaps I should move.  Of course in order to move I’d need money.  I’d also need to make sure I was moving somewhere that was in the catchment area for a half decent school.  It would need to be affordable for me on LHA as well, which given my LHA allowance is being dramatically reduced this month could be tricky.  And now I’ve reminded myself that I’m going to be twenty pound a week worse off.  Joy.  And I still haven’t managed to get a job.  Joy.  I wish the government could find a way to actually make it easier for people in my position to get work, rather than just make it more difficult for us to live on benefits.  I don’t want to be living on benefits for the rest of my life.  I hate having to rely on benefits.  I’d love a job.  It’d get me out of the house more.  And I still haven’t heard from any other volunteer places.  I still only have the one volunteer job.  And they don’t need me in that often.  And it’s only Saturdays anyway.  Grrr.  So, yeah, I’m worried about myself a bit there too.  Money, work, getting out and stuff.

The biggest reason I’m getting worried though is the amount of time I’m spending online these days.  Though I do have this growing need to escape reality.  Now, I’m not sure if it’s reality that’s doing for my sanity or the amount of time I spend trying to pretend real life isn’t real.  I used to think it was the books and the music keeping me sane.  But now I spend an inordinate amount of time on fan forums and various websites.  I need my fix of the various bands I’m into.  Rammstein in particular.  I really am worried I’m going insane.  Actually I’m not.  I was insane already I think.  I mean, what’s normal these days?  And I’m not hurting anyone really.  Except maybe myself.  But it makes me happy.  For a little while anyway. 

So yeah, I’m a little worried.  But I guess it could be worse.  I wouldn’t be online nearly so much if I had something better to do.  And before the benefit bashers think I should be busy job-hunting instead, thanks to numerous job-hunting websites, I can job-hunt at the same time as all the other stuff.  Doesn’t make any more jobs I can apply for magically appear though.  Grrr.  Though perhaps next week will be better.  Perhaps the perfect job is just around the corner.  Or perhaps I’ll suddenly start writing something half decent.  Perhaps I’ll write something that doesn’t make me cringe and become a successful author.  Yes, dreamland is much better than real life.  Into my head I disappear again.  Yay.

And yes, that was a bit of a pointless post.  But I don’t really care.  Made me feel better.