Motherhood Take Two

It's been a little while since I last wrote here. In truth, some of my earlier posts embarrass me a little. I suppose that means I've grown up a bit more over the past however many years. Deleting anything feels a little wrong though, so I'll leave everything as is for now. Of course, I doubt very much that I'll be writing anything of better quality than before, but the urge to write something, anything, was there, so here I am.

I'm currently melting in this heat, which is only exacerbated by the fact that I'm heavily pregnant. I'm too tired to do much, yet feel like I'm going mad when I can't do much. And to make matters even less fun, this baby seems to enjoy mauling me from the inside. Of course, the movements are reassuring, if a bit uncomfortable. My due date can't come soon enough though. My daughter's very excited as well. She can't wait to be a big sister. She's only been badgering me for a sibling for years. I had to find her a decent step-dad first though. And I did that. My husband is lovely. Though my ex did set a very low bar.

Actually, I've been finding all the recent stuff about domestic abuse quite interesting to follow. I wish the emotional abuse side of things had been acknowledged more ten years ago. I might have actually thought to seek some help then. But I don't know. I knew the way he was treating me was unacceptable, despite the fact that he didn't actually hit me. Though he told our daughter recently that I once told him I would never get married or have anymore children. Apparently I'm not allowed to change my mind over the course of ten years, and after meeting the loveliest man I've ever known. But that's my ex's opinion. What makes it stranger though is that his wife seems to share this opinion. At least outwardly. Who knows what she really thinks or feels. I do know that if my husband had such an unhealthy fixation on his ex, especially so long after they actually broke up, he wouldn't be my husband. But it's easy for me to say that. I got out of my situation. I only put up with it for four and a half years. And yes, I was guilty of not standing my ground often enough in the following years, but I was trying to keep things amicable for our daughter's sake. Unfortunately amicable no longer exists. I had the nerve to get married, and pregnant. How dare I move on. Though he allegedly has. I know I shouldn't dwell on the situation. I know I should try and push him and what he put me through out of my mind. It is difficult exorcising him completely though. I hope one day, possibly once our daughter hits eighteen, I can eradicate him from my life completely. Realistically, I can't do that before then. Not completely. But at least I have a supportive and understanding husband. And we're having a baby! Scarily soon! Exciting times ahead.

Not Much Longer

2016 is soon to be over.  I've been done with this year since . . . well, since pretty early on actually.  One good thing I can think of was moving in with my boyfriend.  The rest has been pretty rubbish.  It's not just the number of pretty cool people who have died.  It's not just the whole Brexit thing.  Though I did vote remain.  It's not even the fact that Trump is actually going to be the U.S. president.  Though I have to admit, that one really did horrify me a bit.  I think it's realising what a horrible we're living in now.  I'm desperately trying to bring my daughter up with good values.  I'm trying to help her become a tolerant person.  She's not even ten yet, but she has some understanding of what Trump's winning of the vote means.  She wasn't too happy about Brexit either, bearing in mind one of her best friends is Polish.

It's been a pretty tough year personally too.  My Mum left my alcoholic father.  My older sister decided to send an overly aggressive message via Facebook claiming to have terminal cancer.  She doesn't by the way.  Her husband assured us that she's fine.  For a while I was feeling like my life belonged to a soap opera.  I used to think The Ex's family were all nutcases.  My family's gone a bit bonkers this year though.  I'm beginning to think that what I always considered sanity is actually insanity.  The bulk of the people I see around day to day are the sane ones, and I'm the tolerant, accepting freak.  But if I'm a freak, then so is my boyfriend.  And my Mum.  And possibly my daughter.  She does have moments when she seems more like The Ex though.  But all children tell silly, childish lies.  I shouldn't worry so much.  But I do worry that he's got his claws in too deep.  What if she turns into one of the mindless masses.  One of the ones who isn't really racist, but is happy enough to vote a racist bigot into power.

Of course, wishing for the end of 2016 is silly.  2017 might be even worse.

Drivers

I don't drive.  I admit that might make me unsuited to comment on the driving skill of others, but as a non-driver I would wonder why I know more than some people who have not only learned to drive, but have actually passed a test.  I'll start with indicators.  As a pedestrian, I rely on drivers to indicate so I know whether or not it's safe to cross the road.  This is even more useful when I'm with my daughter.  Yet these days I am sorry to say it is no exaggeration to say that most drivers don't seem to bother with indicating.  A serious pet hate of mine.  I've been known to make rude gestures at such people.  I've also been known to make such gestures at people who run red lights and nearly run my daughter and myself over.  I'm pretty sure it's worse now than it used to be. But I don't have the most reliable memory at times so I could be wrong.  My boyfriend agrees though.  And he is a driver.  He uses a method of driving he calls defensive driving.  By assuming everyone else on the road is a brainless idiot who won't look where they're going etc, he says he has avoided more than one accident.  But then no one walking around town seems to look where they're going anymore either.  And it's not just because they've got their eyes glued to a phone either.  When did everyone lose the ability to be aware of their surroundings?  And is that even what's going on?  I have no idea.  I'm still capable of noticing the world going on around me.  For now it seems my survival depends on it.  And scarily enough, that's not an exaggeration.

What A Year So Far

I've been avoiding making any kind of statement regarding all the celebrity deaths so far this year.  It's not that I don't care.  I do.  I just felt that everyone else had kind of said it all for me.  And in some cases, perhaps I wasn't that bothered.  I was genuinely gutted about Bowie.  More so by Alan Rickman.  I just loved his voice.  And he was a bloody good actor.  And of course there was Victoria Wood as well.  But Prince is the one that has really got to me.  The Diamonds and Pearls album was one of the first tapes I ever owned.  I remember being a kid, maybe nine years old, and being thrilled to get it.  I can't remember whether it was a birthday present or Christmas present, but I remember it was on the desperately want list.  So yes, I've loved Prince's music ever since I first started to love music.  And hearing of his death saddened me.  Genuinely so.  Which I why I have felt the need to say my piece.  I would of course appreciate it if no one else amazing dies this year.  Surely we've lost enough already.

Almost Done Now

So the big move is over and done with.  All my benefits have been cancelled.  It's a nice feeling actually.  Though I still feel a bit strange about the fact I'm now mostly living off my boyfriend's wages, given I make a pittance compared to him.  Not that he's on a vast wage or anything.  He's just earning a fair bit more.  But I'm contributing to the household budget.  I'm still financially independent, which is important to me after everything with The Ex.  I'm feeling a lot better now.  Still stressed, but to a much lesser degree.  And all that's left to do is inform the odd person here and there.  And a bit more unpacking.  We're getting there though.

My daughter seems to have adjusted to the move very quickly.  She had her bedroom sorted before long before my boyfriend or I had even managed to put our stuff into more organised piles.  She hasn't done her holiday homework yet though.  Despite my constant nagging.  She has to design and make a model of a food making machine.  She's done the design, but has yet to build the model.  She'll get help with that of course.  Joy.

Three Days!

We're moving in three days!  And I am stressed beyond belief.  Though when we were round at my parents' house earlier today my mum commented on how calm I seemed.  If only she knew what was going on in my head.  And about the cruel cold silence I subjected my boyfriend to the other day.  I'm still ashamed when I think about it.  Sure, he might have left booking the removal van a bit late, but we have one now, so all is fine.  I love him.  I shouldn't be cruel to him.  He's not The Ex.  He's nothing like The Ex.  It's just a knee jerk reaction I think.  And then I get frustrated that I'm still getting those.  Oh well.

I'm missing him actually.  My boyfriend, not The Ex.  He's moving big bookshelves in his car this evening.  It means we can spend tomorrow evening moving the piles of books currently on the floor at our new place onto the shelves so that the removal men can move in the other furniture without tripping over piles of books.  That's the plan anyway.

The State Of Things

I am aware that my personal problems are incredibly trivial in light of current world events.  Just a though that occurred to me after posting that last post.  But that's part of my current stress thingy, why I'm considering (if only fleetingly) seeking more professional help.  The state of the world in general, of people in general is incredibly depressing.  People seem to be so easily controlled by the media.  Why do an awful lot of people blame all Muslims for the Brussels bombings?  I know a good few Muslims from school.  My best friend through primary school is a Muslim.  Not one of the Muslims I know is on the side of ISIS.  Just like that no Christians I know support any Christian terrorists, or the KKK, or the Westborough Baptist Church.  Why do people have to be so intolerant?  Why are so many people so willfully ignorant?  Would it kill people to question the media a bit more?  People need to learn how to think for themselves a bit more it seems.  When did people stop being able to form their own opinions?  Or accept arguments that aren't one hundred percent  in line with their own agendas.  Or should I be wondering around condemning every last person who isn't one hundred percent like me?

And a world where people are taking Donald Trump seriously as a presidential candidate?  In my opinion, that's a dangerous place to be.