Halloween Fun

The Child had a great evening.  In fact she had a great day really.  She wasn’t at school as they had a training day.  She’s back tomorrow though, thank god.  Anyway, we were up at the crack of dawn this morning, and before she’d even had her breakfast, The Child was dressing up in her Halloween costume.  She was a vampire devil princess apparently.  In other words, she was wearing a vampiress type ball gown looking thingy, with a devil mask.  She looked cute in an amusing sort of way, bless her.  And her mask was a little bit big so it kept falling down.  She didn’t mind though.

Anyway, we kicked the day off by baking up a huge batch of spider, witch and bat gingerbread biscuits.  The Child ate a fair few, but we had plenty left for the trick or treaters.  We missed most of them anyway as we were out ourselves.  The Ex came round as he really wanted to take The Child out.  I think he had almost as much fun as her actually.  And she got a pretty good haul.  We had the obligatory pre-bedtime ‘I want more sweets’ tantrum, but she went to bed without too much trouble.  Of course I’ve done it now.  She’ll be wanting to go out every Halloween.  I’m sure I’ll be able to bear it though.  Besides, maybe I won’t have to tag along next time.

And so the half term holiday comes to an end.  Early mornings I can take if only for the sake of a bit of peace.  This has been one of the longest weeks of my life.  Only because my dad was so busy working though.  If he hadn’t of been, we would have spent more time at my parents I’m sure.  Perhaps I rely on them a bit too much during holidays?  But now the weather’s colder there isn’t so much to do around here.  Admittedly we did go and feed the ducks.  We just didn’t hang around in playgrounds.  Oh well.  I’m dreading the ice hill that I’m sure will come with winter.  Joy.  But I should try not to dwell on that too much.  Besides, I’ve still got The Situation to occupy my mind.  Hmm.

Birthday Fun

Maybe fun isn’t the right word.  It is The Child’s birthday soon, and so I am in a panic regarding the party.  How many people do we invite?  Where do we hold it?  Costs?  Well, of course I’ve calculated that it will cost a fortune.  My house is too small to host a kids’ party.  It’s too small to host any party really.  Anyway, that means I’ll need to hire somewhere.  I have my fingers crossed we get the church hall nearby.  The Child’s been to parties there too, so I know the setup.  Costs include food and party bags, as well as prizes for the games and balloons and things.  Then we need to decide what games to have.  I hate this.  I’m rubbish with kids.  I hate parties.  Kids’ parties anyway.  I’m not fussed with the party food, and I have an awful feeling that the whole thing will be one huge disaster.  Why oh why did I tell the Child she is having a party?  Then again, she did ask.  And now taht she has been to a few, it’d be mean not to throw one.  But she has so many friends.  We’ve already had a tantrum over me saying that some of the names on her list will need to be removed.  Oh dear.  Fifteen guests is our maximum though I think.  That’s more than I ever had at any of my parties.  That said, I’ve never been overly surrounded by friends.  I’m not really a social butterfly like The Child.  Hmm.  Oh well.  Fingers crossed I manage to get everything sorted, and that it all goes without a hitch.

Proud Mummy Moment

I attended my first parent’s evening today, and I am thrilled to say that The Child got a glowing report.  She’s settled in well, and though she’s quiet, she joins in well with class.  She plays nicely on her own or in a group.  Her teacher said she’s an asset to the class.  I am so proud of her.  And she’s doing really well with her letters apparently.  She also brought home her first reading book today.  And she can actually read some of the words.  As this is all new to me and The Child, I am aware I might be a little bit over thrilled about it all.  But I don’t care.  I’m so proud of her.  And she’s so clever.  But I already knew this of course.  I just wish she could behave as well at home as she does at school.  Hmm.  I can dream I suppose.

And on a somewhat different note, The Canadian has come to her senses, and has split up with Psycho once and for all.  I think.  It’s almost two weeks since she threw him out, so this one’s certainly serious, even if she does change her mind.  It doesn’t look like she will though.  I hope she manages to get herself sorted without him.  I remember how difficult it can be to adjust.  And I am pretty sure that Psycho treated her in a manner similar to (if not worse than) the way The Ex treated me.  I do feel sorry for Psycho’s kid though, as he’s kind of caught in the middle of this.  And he got thrown out too, which I think is wrong.  Kids shouldn’t have to suffer because their parents are twats.  I know I’ve put up with all sorts of crap from The Ex for the sake of The Child.  Anyway, I don’t know what actually went on, but I do hope that The Canadian and Psycho’s child are ok.

One of Those Days

I’m having one of those days I think.  It didn’t start well, and gradually got worse.  At least I didn’t sleep in.  Then again as The Child wouldn’t get ready, and then managed to drop a new loo roll down the loo, we ended up setting off late for school.  Somehow we actually made it on time though.  But I don’t like starting off my day with heaps of stress. 

After I got home I suffered further attacks of guilt, and so spent most of the day trying to distract myself.  I seem to have developed a dependency on chocolate again, which is not good.  I must not get myself chocolate when I feel guilty.  It will not erase it, and will only cost me money I should be spending elsewhere.  i think I get enough exercise to counteract the potential weight gain issue there.  Hmm.  It still isn’t good though.  But feeling guilty about the chocolate is marginally more bearable than the guilt I feel over The Situation.

I also got my free credit, about an hour after I’d topped up.  The free credit of course meant that I didn’t need to top up.  If only it had come through an hour sooner.  Grrr.  I'd have needed to top up sooner or later of course, but it would have bought me a bit more time.

The highlight of the day so far has to be scraping dog poo out of The Child’s shoe with a cocktail stick though.  Hmm.  At least I managed to get the shoe cleaned up.  And at least it was only the one.  So maybe today wasn't so bad.  It could certainly have been loads worse.  But there’s still plenty of time in which things can go wrong.  And I've definitely had my fill for one day.  And though what I’ve put might seem trivial, I have not given details of what’s going on in my head.  For a start that’s just a bit too personal, and also, I don’t think anyone really needs to know just how neurotic I actually am.  Oh well, hopefully tomorrow will run a little more smoothly.

Bipolar? Hmm.

Ok, I’m beginning to wonder if I might be a bit bipolar.  Of course, I’m not suggesting I actually have bipolar disorder, it’s just that one day I’ll be feeling really positive about stuff, and then suddenly I’m right back down again.  It’s not particularly fun to say the least.  And nothing can shake the feeling that I’m a bad person.  Except when I’m in one of my more positive moods of course.  Actually, I think it’s the guilt and subsequent doubts that bring me back down again.  I really ought to get out of The Situation.  But at times I feel so positive, and wonder if it is actually worth hanging on.  Things might work out ok after all.  They might.  But of course that thought there relies on hope.  I don’t have a good track record with hope.  Hope usually leads to disappointment.  And this time disappointment could lead to getting hurt.  Hmm.  i really don’t want to get hurt.  But I don’t want to hurt anyone else either.  But in these situations someone always gets hurt.  Why does it have to be so complicated?  Grrr.

So anyway, today I’m on a downer again.  I’ll probably be fine later though.  And this is why it’s so maddening.  Why can’t I just figure out what I want?  Perhaps if I could do that, then I could lay my cards on the table.  Of course, I know what would happen then.  But why can’t I let this go?  Grrr.  I need to I think.  But at the same time, I don’t want to throw away a chance of being happy.  It’s about time some happiness came my way I think.  But I don’t know.  Confusion continues to rule my life for now then.  And in the mean time I am subjected to some wacky mood swings.  Hmm.  Fun.  Though it could be worse.  Perhaps.

Why Can’t Life Be Simpler?

The Situation continues.  In fact it is fast spiralling out of my control.  Last night I think I must have taken all leave of my senses.  Yet, I don’t feel as bad as I should I don’t think.  Well, I feel kind of bad, but not for the reasons that I should.  Though I do sort of feel guilty.  A bit.  A lot at times actually.  It just doesn’t pray on me as much as other stuff I guess.  Hmm.  And to be fair, The Situation could be a lot worse.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do.  I know what I should do, but it doesn’t correlate with what I want to happen.  Of course, what I want to happen probably won’t happen at all.  Hmm.  Why can’t life be more simple?  Why can’t things work out better?  Perhaps I’ll feel differently about all this one day.  I hope so anyway, because this veering between happiness and despair is messing my head up a little.  Well, the mind messing up could actually have another cause, and maybe The Situation is a result of the mind messing up.  And now I’m pretty sure I’m not even making sense.  Grrr.  It can’t carry on like this for long though.  It really can’t.  I’ll go insane if it does.  And I really don’t want that to happen.

On a positive, I have been in a bizarrely good mood most of the day.  And I also found some boots at long last!  The search for replacement boots is now over.  And they weren’t that expensive either, thanks to a sale.  So, some good happened today.  And more might I suppose.  I just wish The Situation would come to a conclusion of sorts.  And I know I could bring it to a conclusion myself, by putting an end to it.  But I’m still hoping for the outcome I want.  It might happen.  It probably won’t but it might.  And that’s how sane, and relatively intelligentish women are lost I guess.  Or maybe I’m actually incredibly dim.  Either way, I am such an idiot.  Grrr.  Yet I shall carry on for now, hoping for the best.  I am definitely insane.

Grandma

Well, The Child has been very amusing lately.  She’s over the wanting to be an owl phase now, and instead wants to either make ice cream or chocolate when she’s bigger.  She also wants five babies.  She’s decided on names as well.  Bob, Daisy, Toby, Lucy, and Jamie.  And she’s adamant about the names.  they’re more important than the actual sex of the babies.  Though I suspect she just hasn’t accepted the fact that you don’t get to choose what you have.  Oh, and she’s already decided that my mum and me are going to babysit all these babies for her.  And she also told me that you get lots of energy by eating food, and you need lots of energy to grow babies.  She talks a lot about growing babies in her tummy.  Bless her.  Though I really don’t see any reason to rush.  Hmm, are we approaching awkward questions perhaps?  I really hope not.  I’m so not ready for that yet.  Eek.

Problem Solved for Now?

Well, things seem to have returned to normal on The Ex front.  This is kind of a relief, but it would have been nice to have solved some of our differences.  All problems have once again been swept under the carpet, free to resurface at any moment, as usual.  I just hope that this time there’s a decent period between blow ups.  I can handle the occasional blow up every now and then, but the frequent ones?  Not so good.  Not that the other ones are good either, but more bearable.  There’s time to get over it all, and almost forget it ever happened.  Hmm.  Oh well, I’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

The Child’s still enjoying school.  We’ve read a fair few school books now, not that she’s actually learning to read yet.  Instead school just give out books for us to read to our kids.  A good idea for those who don’t really do books I guess, but for those of us who do, well, it’s part of the usual bedtime routine.  I just have to remember to fill in the Reading Record thing.  And the Weekend Book.  All fun.  I do find I am really missing The Child though.  After  teatime I find myself sitting with her watching awful kids TV, just so I can spend a bit more time with her.  It’s nice actually, and a bit of a relief.  I am maternal after all it seems.  And she doesn’t complain. 

The Situation is kind of getting potentially interesting.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad.  Could be either really.  Hmm.  I just don’t want to get hurt again.  I need to keep the defences up I think.  Maybe celibacy would be a good choice?  Grrrr!