Restless

I dwell on things too much.  It makes me restless.  I could be reading, or listening to music or something.  I shouldn’t just sit and dwell on things.  It’s amazing how much time I waste just sitting, thinking about things.  I need to immerse myself in housework once The Child’s in bed.  I need to not be disheartened by the rubbish list of available jobs on the Jobcentre website, but comfort myself with thoughts that there will be a suitable job opportunity soon.  And then I should hurriedly move onto another task.  Unfortunately I’m rubbish at housework.  I just find it tedious and miserable.  And as it’s so mindless I find myself dwelling on thing while I do it.  So why do I choose to dwell on things instead of doing stuff I enjoy?  Because I am mad.

Actually I do have moments where even though I am thinking about things a bit too much I am actually thinking positive thoughts.  That is rare though, and is more likely to happen when I’m talking things through with other people.  Hmm.  I really need to get out more.  I need to meet more people.  I wish the limited means available to me had been more fruitful.  Mum’s forums haven’t proved that helpful though.  Maybe I’m not obsessed with my kid enough.  And there is the fact that mums’ groups tend to be for mums with younger kids.  Unfortunately for me I did not come across any such group until after The Child had started nursery.  And there’s the fact that she’s at The Ex’s on Saturdays, which ruled them out as well as the weekdays.  Joy.  And I am so crap with people.  But I suppose that’s kind of obvious from my posts on here.  I am not a people person it seems.  Hmm.

I am more hopeful for the new year though.  Next year will be better.  I shall meet people.  I might not click with them, but I shall definitely be meeting people.  Fingers crossed.  I need to not be so restless.  Maybe I can immerse myself in my short part-time counselling course.  I need to feel motivated.  I’ve been living like this for too long.  Change is scary, but it might take away the restlessness.  I can hope anyway.  I really need something positive to happen next year.  I really do.  My sanity depends upon it.

Momentous Decision

Ok, it’s probably a very dumb thing to have done, but hey, I wanted to get it over and done with this year, so next year can be the year of not so dumb.  If that makes sense.  I won’t promise to be sensible next year, as I don’t see it happening.  However, if things go pear shaped because of tonight’s decision, at least the truly dumb deed was performed this year, so I can write it off as one of the bad decisions of 2011.  2012 shall have better decisions.  I hate making decisions.  Actually that’s not strictly true.  I hate difficult decisions.  Nice easy decisions are fine.  Hmm.  I still can’t decide between the mars bar or the twirl though.  And don’t you dare throw the wispa into the mix, or I’m done for.  Chocolate.  Mmm.  And actually the twirl wins hands down each time.  I’m just a greedy bastard who wants them all.
I must resist the chocolate and stuff now though.  At least until I start getting more exercise.  And no, I’m not gonna go on some diet.  I don’t do diets.  I just don’t like it when I start to look pregnant again.  I’ll get a nice workout on New Year though, as I’m off out.  Dancing is good exercise.  And fun too.
So anyway, my decision has been semi made.  And actually the truly momentous bit hasn’t come into it yet.  But the seeds have been sewn so to speak.  And I’m still not sure if that’s good or bad.  I’m veering towards bad, but I just couldn’t help myself.  Hmm.

Idiot

Well it’s that time of year again.  Tomorrow night is the anniversary of the highly dramatic end to my relationship with The Ex.  I was a huge idiot.  And that’s putting it mildly.  Anyway, today is the anniversary of my bank’s fraud department ringing up to query whether or not I’d just as good as maxed out my overdraft.  As far as I was aware I hadn’t.  Naturally it turned out that The Ex had.  It had to be him really, and I knew this when I was informed that the transactions had been completed at cash points using my bank card.  My bank card was still in my purse.  What made this even worse was that The Ex tried to deny it at first.  Grrr.  Weirdly enough, that’s not the reason I actually left him.

The reason I left him is because I was scared of him.  He was working a night shift, and had been very aggressive during a row on the phone.  It says something when a phone call makes you so scared that someone’s going to beat the crap out of you when he gets home from work.  My crime?  Sending him a stupid text message voicing my annoyance at him not changing The Child’s nappy when he’d said he would.  Actually I realised he had, so it should have been easily resolved.  It shouldn’t even have become a row.  But there we go.  I was the big bad guy once again, even though he’d just cleaned out my bank account. 

So, I legged it in the middle of the night, before I got his voicemail message demanding that I was gone before he got home from work.  Given the massages he left me afterwards, I’m guessing he wasn’t actually expecting me to leave.  Oh well.  I think we all benefitted from it in the end.  But is it wrong that I still see this as an excuse for a celebratory drink four years later?  Freedom.  Surely that’s worth a glass of wine now.

To freedom.  It’s a shame I’m still an idiot though.

Alternative Christmas Newsletter

Ok, I was having a conversation with my mum last night about all these family news letters that get posted out with Christmas cards sometimes.  My family has been in receipt of one every year for years from an old friend of my parents.  We always made a bit of a joke about it, as in, why not send out our own family letter detailing all the rubbish that has happened to us over the past year.  This year I actually decided to do it.  Kind of.  As in, I haven’t posted it out, and I’m not going to detail things that people in my family would rather I didn’t disclose online.  So here it is.  Oh, and merry Christmas by the way.
So, this year as a single mum I have actually been feeling pretty lonely and rubbish actually.  I may have had a more positive start to my year on account of having been invited round to my parents’ so I wasn’t spending it alone, but still, I was lacking a group of friends to celebrate with.  No man either.  And as my parents both hate New Year like me, it wasn’t the most upbeat affair.  The Child isn’t fun in winter either, so I was still dealing with the ‘it’s cold’ behaviour problems until spring as well.  And what happened in spring?  Well, an old friend decided to get in touch.  Though The Situation didn’t kick off that early, I guess the seeds may have been sown then.  Damned Facebook.  And then I had to cope with The Child starting school and all the palaver that caused.  It wouldn’t have been a problem if The Ex and The Family were normal.  Of course, things weren’t coordinated particularly well with them.  At least I wasn’t expected to do anything for Matriarch’s birthday.  But we did have an earlier in the year argument over whether or not she should cut The Child off altogether.  She offered this in response to my having a go over how little effort she made to see The Child.  Hmm.  Slight communication error there perhaps I think. 
There were some other family traumas I won’t go into, but they weren’t fun, believe me.  In short, summer was great fun for some.  And then in August/September The Situation kicked off.  Only I could get embroiled in some sort of virtual affair thing with a married man without realising.  How naive am I?  Seriously?  Damned Facebook.
So, The Child’s birthday in late autumn and Christmas combine to ensure myself and my family are all bankrupt by the New Year.  I made some excellent planning there.  But it could have been worse.  The Child was due at Christmas.  Thankfully I got a potentially life threatening complication in pregnancy and had to be induced ages before my due date.  So, this time of year holds some truly magical memories.
The Child’s tiptoeing might not be a problem after all, of course, her feet turning inwards is another matter.  She might just have the same problem as my younger sister developing there.  Dislocation of hips and/or knees could be expected in the future.  Joy.  There is of course a recurrence of the winter ‘it’s cold’ troubles as well.  A truly wonderful time for us all.
Matriarch and The Family decided to turn up at The Ex’s on Christmas Eve after all.  I think we’d all have had a lot more fun if they hadn’t bothered.  Matriarch in particular.  She spent the whole afternoon looking thoroughly bored and unimpressed.  She ignored The Child, but I’m pleased to say The Child ignored her too.  Maybe next year she won’t bother.  I can live in hope.
Also there is the ongoing saga of The Ex and Bakery Girl.  Will they get together or won’t they?  For my sake I hope they do.  I don’t want to face The Ex’s wrath should he be turned down there.  Eek.
So, a child with various possible future health problems, a virtual kind of affair, being broke, The Family, and I won’t bore you with the details of how various changes the government are wanting to bring about will affect The Child and me, all make for a wonderful year.  Can’t wait for the next one.  And I hope everyone has had a magical (and other nauseating terms) a year as me. 
Merry Christmas and happy New Year to all.  And this is only a joke.  Yes there’s been a lot of crap this year, but some of it was good too.  I still hope next year’s better though.  But I’m sure most people feel that way.  And our year could have been one heck of a lot worse.  We are of course very fortunate to be where we are right now.  We might not be here this time next year though.  But I wouldn’t be me if I failed to end on a somewhat negative note.

Inspiration

I’ve decided what I’m lacking is inspiration.  I confess I’m lacking motivation as well, but fear does that to me.  It zaps away the motivation that is.  It’s difficult to be motivated when things are beginning to terrify you just a bit.  Maybe I’m just being melodramatic, but there are things that are making me feel just a wee bit demoralised.  And funnily enough, all these pro-marriage things the government are proposing, like tax breaks for married couples, and the pro-marriage lessons in school actually only serve to make me more anti-marriage than I was before.  So Mr Cameron, would I be doing a better job with The Child if I’d just given up on the self respect and married The Ex?  So he was emotionally abusive, and potentially violent, but what the heck.  I’d have been married right?  I wouldn’t be another single mum bleeding the country dry would I?  Oh, hang on a minute, I’m actually a slightly intelligent person.  I managed to get a degree after all.  And I would actually like to work.  Perhaps you could look at ways to make that easier?  Or you could keep doing things to make that harder for people like me, and more scary.  Oh, and The Child and I shall really appreciate being homeless in summer if I don’t manage to find a job by then.  And I am actually looking.  And I’m still on the income support.  So there.

Immature yes.  But I’m still in my twenties, and as I live alone with a five year old I am possibly a bit too used to acting like a child.  I’m just terrified.  I really am.  I know/really hope I’ll find a job soon.  I’m just scared I’m going to stuck in a rut similar to the one I’m currently in forever.  Oh, and for the record, I think a loving and stable environment is far more important for a child than whether or not mum and dad are married or even still together.  So there.

So, inspiration.  I need more inspiration to get writing again.  I need to cut out the crap in my life perhaps, but how to do that when there’s so much?  Hmm.  Though I am getting more life experience now, even though I’m mostly confined to the house still.  A job shall provide even more I think/hope.  I still want to write though, and maybe I’ll get it back again.  The ability to write stuff that I’m not one hundred percent convinced is complete and utter rubbish that is.  I’m not confident enough or whatever to actually think I’m capable of writing something good.  Unless it’s an essay about whether or not alcoholism is a brain disease.  I got a really good mark for that one.  Perhaps I should have stuck with the psychology.  Only I really can’t as that requires more education.  I can’t do a full time course as that will hinder my getting a job.  Joy.  Love the logic there I really do.  You must get a crap job.  You cannot possibly get any training that will enable you to get a better job that would suit you much better than waitressing or something.  That said, I still think waitressing might suit me quite well at the moment.  Unfortunately I haven’t noticed any waitressing jobs going since I got the CV sorted.  Typical.

I need inspiration.  I need motivation.  Dammit I need a new life.  Grrr.  I really hate this time of year.  I always feel so rubbish and dissatisfied.  At least I won’t be spending my New Year’s Eve writing a list of good and bad points of the year.  I won’t be writing down things I want to change or achieve next year.  I’ll be out dancing.  I shall hopefully be a bit merry after a couple of drinks.  Who knows, I might even be feeling positive about stuff then.  I can hope anyway.  Even if that is dangerous.

Headphones

I seem to have this knack for killing my headphones.  God knows how many pairs I’ve got through this year.  Actually to be fair I think it might only be two pairs, and the first pair fell into a cup of tea.  No idea what’s up with the currant pair though.  I know I haven’t dropped them in a cup of tea or anything like that, and they were working fine earlier.  Grrr.  Another of life’s minor irritations.  I’ll put up with them for a bit I guess.  Annoying when you can only hear music in one ear though.  Grrrr.

The Child has her Christmas party at school tomorrow as they break up for the holiday tomorrow.  She's so excited.  And she wasn’t scared of Santa this year.  The Ex and me took her to see him at the weekend, and she decided to inform him that she wants Rastamouse for Christmas as well as the purple car and some Sylvanians.  Wish she’d mentioned Rastamouse before this weekend, but at least I had today, and tomorrow, to remedy the problem.  She isn’t getting the lot though, so she might be a bit miffed with Santa.  I might have to remind her that he has a limited bank balance.

Job hunting is fun.  I’m not on jobseeker’s yet, but I’m sort of looking.  If anything promising turns up I will go for it though, but it’s mostly temporary positions, jobs I’m not qualified for, or the hours aren’t enough.  Grrr.  Maybe there’ll be more jobs around after Christmas.  I hope so as I think I go on jobseeker’s really soon, and I was hoping to get one before then.  All fun.

Nativity

The Child had her nativity today.  She was a shepherd and played her role perfectly if I do say so myself.  Admittedly all she had to do was walk onto the stage and sing along to the songs with everyone else.  She looked so sweet with her tea towel on her head though.  Bless her.  And she had a great time.  That didn’t surprise me though given what a little show off she can be.  She did sing louder than any of the others at a fair few points too.  She really did look so sweet though.

I’m almost done with the Christmas shopping.  Aside from a new hat, scarf, and pair of gloves, I think I’ve got everything I wanted to for The Child.  I do hope it’s enough.  And I know I shouldn’t feel like I have to get loads, But I don’t want her to be disappointed.  And to be honest, I haven’t exactly gone mad, what with being broke and stuff.  Now I just have my mum and The Ex to buy presents for.  I kind of know what I’m getting them both as well, so just need to pop to town tomorrow and I’m all done.  Yay.

I’ll be glad when Christmas is over, I really will.

Marriage

The Child informed me of a momentous occasion this morning.  Apparently she married one of her friends at school.  She told me that another friend had argued with her wife over whether or not girls could marry other girls, but it was all resolved when they agreed that this other friend could marry her today.  It is quite possible that some jealousy was at play there then.  I found this whole thing so sweet, though this evening The Child informed me that she’s going to marry all the girls tomorrow.  Hmm.  Still somewhat cute though in my opinion.  Even though the thought of marriage generally brings me out in a cold sweat.  I am very amused by the fact that she doesn’t want to marry any of the boys.  I wonder if gender segregation is at play now then.  Though I think she said some of the boys have been marrying the girls.  Now, we may have played mums and dads when I was little, but we never played weddings that I recall. 

I still need to get The Child some more presents.  I’ve got hardly anything yet, though I think I’ve just about got the rest of my family sorted.  Haven't got The Ex sorted yet though either.  I must not forget him.  The Child will want to give him something that she can open for him after all.

Cars

The Child had better still like cars on Christmas Day.  She’s getting four of the things, and the Disney film.  Only the first film though.  If she likes that then she might get the second one for her birthday next autumn.  I’m doing some good planning ahead there.  She does keep going on about cars though.  For some reason she loves them.  But then again, so did I once.  I remember my older sister and me playing with Corgi cars.  We used to pester Dad to get them for us whenever we stopped somewhere for petrol.  Cars are obviously just one of those things most kids like, like trains, and dinosaurs.  The Child likes trains and dinosaurs too.  As well as princesses.  Bless her.  And still I’m stuck on what else to get her.  Grrr.

I’ve got my mum and sisters sorted present wise.  Ok, I might not actually have bought all their presents yet, but I know what I’m getting them all.  Roughly.  Dad is proving a major problem though.  And I really must get something for The Child to give The Ex.  Eek.  I had totally forgotten about him.  And I’ve only got a fortnight. 

The Child has her nativity next week.  I’m looking forward to it.  She’s going to be a shepherd apparently, but she claims she needs to walk on all fours for the role.  I’m not convinced she’s being a shepherd myself, but I’ll have to wait and see.  She’s also got her physiotherapy appointment next week.  Fortunately it doesn’t clash with her play, and hopefully will help sort the tiptoeing thing.  Fingers crossed it helps anyway.

Feeling Positive

Ok, today I was back to feeling a bit crap, but to be fair it was grey and rainy all day, and I have another bad cold.  On the whole I’ve been feeling pretty positive this week.  I’ve got a few Christmas presents for The Child.  I kind of know what I’m getting my mum and sisters.  I still have no idea about my dad, but that’s not unusual.  Still, I am disorganised enough that I don’t think this positive feeling is anything to do with being somewhat sorted presents wise.  Besides, I still find the whole Christmas thing a bit something.  Sure it’s more fun now because of The Child, but still, I could do without it to be honest.

The Child has been easier this past week I think.  Perhaps that’s the reason I’m feeling a bit better.  But then again, she might be behaving better as I’m being more like my old self again.  She does like her advent calendar though.  She gets ready quickly in a morning now so she can open that.  Things will probably go back to normal after Christmas.  And here comes the negativity again.  Yay.  But seriously, despite the grey skies related general misery, I’m actually feeling pretty positive.  It’s very unlike me.  Scary.

It is so nice that The Child is behaving a bit better at the moment though.  She’s so much sweeter, and I find spending time with her so much more enjoyable and rewarding.  It’s really nice wanting to spend time with her again, instead of dreading the evenings.  I still dread the mornings, but only because we have to be up so early.

Getting There Then

Well, the hunt for a purple car for The Child is over.  I haven’t found her a pink one though.  She’ll have to make do with a pinkish red instead.  I hope she’s happy with them.  So, I’m getting there with her Christmas presents now it seems.  Aristocats, two cars, and a couple of bits for her stockings.  Hmm.  Need to get a wee bit more though I think.  No idea what else to get her though.

Made in Germany arrived today.  Yay.  Unfortunately I wasn’t in when it was delivered so it’s currently being held hostage next door until my neighbour gets home from work.  Noooo.  Bloody typical that it gets delivered during the half hour period when I’m out taking The Child to school.  At least it’s here though.  Well, next door.  I should have it by teatimeish though.  Yay.

Is it really sad that I’m so looking forward to it?  Of course it isn’t.

I’m Getting Used to it Now

The sore throat that is.  I’ve had it over a week now, so I’m sure it won’t be long before I barely notice it.  In fact I barely notice it already.  It’s just the frequent coughing fits that remind me.  That and the croaky voice.  Maybe I’ll be well again one day though.  Probably sooner than I think.  Still, over a week is a bit of a long time for me to be suffering from just one cold.  Maybe this is a different one to last weeks?  I didn’t used to suffer from throat things.  I used to just get a blocked nose and that’s it.  Now I get chesty throat things that make me lose my voice.  Not so good when I’m trying to keep The Child in check though I have to say.

Though there’s no getting used to The Situation.  Every time I think I have it sussed, I change my mind again and confuse myself.  Of course, he could get a bloody move on and answer my question, but I’m not expecting that any time soon.  Hmm.  Why can’t I be more sensible?  I always used to be so sensible. 

Oh, I am looking forward to tomorrow, or the next couple of days anyway.  I hope.  My copy of Made In Germany should be arriving.  It shipped out Friday evening, so my order didn’t mysteriously get cancelled.  Thank God. 

And I’ve managed to completely piss off The Ex again somehow.  Don't know how I do it.  Oh yeah, I’m far from perfect, that’s where I go wrong.  Nothing short of perfection will do where he’s concerned.  Or something like that anyway.  I’m about as far from perfect as you can get in his eyes anyway I think.  Grrr.

Christmas

Well, this morning I was served by a woman who looked alarmingly like Pauline from the League of Gentlemen.  Seriously.  Scary.  In any case, now that it’s December the sight has got me considering pulling out the League of Gents panto.  Nothing like a good pantomime to get you in Christmas spirit is there?  Oh, and a little Christmas present to myself should be arriving soon.  I hope.  Provided my order doesn’t disappear like the Amazon ones did.  I didn’t order from Amazon though, so hopefully I’ll be all right.  I need my Rammstein fix.  Or should that be my Richard Kruspe fix?  Can’t wait.

I’ve also started buying things to put in The Child’s stocking.  Well, I got some chocolate money and a chocolate penguin lolly anyway.  No idea what else to get her.  It’s such a pain that her birthday’s so close to Christmas.  Grrr.  She had a great day though, and miraculously she was really well behaved.  I think she spent most of her party in a kind of daze.  Bless her.  And now she’s excited about the advent calendar.  I got her a Playmobil one, so it kind of counts as a Christmas present.  She’s already guessing what’s going to behind the other doors.  I remember the same excitement when I was a kid.  A shame that Christmas isn’t so appealing to me anymore really.  That said, I find that The Child’s excitement about the whole thing is a little infectious.  Not much mind.  But I am looking forward to watching the League of Gents panto later.  Wow.  I’m not totally allergic to Christmas yet then.