It's been a long while since I've felt the need for an outlet other than the diary. Though in truth I've been neglecting the diary lately as well. It seems my favoured way to deal with my problems lately has been to ignore real life and try to focus on writing about people who don't exist. I've always liked writing stories though, but it's never taken over to such a degree before. But fictional people are more reliable than real people I find. Still, I don't anticipate doing anything serious with it anytime soon.
Anyway, the reason for my posting today is a continuing situation I am finding somewhat difficult to deal with. And I feel the need to point out before I go on that I am a neurotic freak. But anyway, I snapped this morning, though it has been brewing for a while. A whole week in fact. But despite having remained friends with The Ex for years now, I still can't actually forgive him for the way he treated me when we were together. Of course, he'll counter that with claims that I treated him badly too. Yes, I was far from the world's most perfect girlfriend. But I don't think I actually did anything to justify his behaviour the night I was cowering in a corner screaming because I thought he was going to beat me up.
So, this whole thing (and there was a lot more than that one incident mentioned above) was stirred up again in my mind last Sunday when he went mental at me for being annoyed with The Child for something. I'm not the world's most perfect mother either. I do get irritated by things The Child does or doesn't do from time to time. Again, I don't think this warranted the tirade of verbal abuse I received. But there we go. I am often quite capable of hiding my true feelings, but recently I've been tired and unwell, which makes it harder to keep a lid on things. I tried to hold my tongue when we went for tea together with The Child and The Ex's new(?) girlfriend. I didn't want to risk saying anything in front of her. It's not my place to sabotage his happiness. Though he has accused me of doing such in the past too. Anyway, my remaining silent during the evening angered him. I appreciate I wasn't particularly sociable. But I never am. I'm shy. And the entire situation was awkward. Besides, I was in danger of blurting out how angry I still was with him for just about everything he ever put me through. But I was shit to him too pf course. Though I don't remember him ever cowering in terror. I never actually literally threw him out in the middle of the night. And I'm not currently encouraging some bloke I've just met to take over his role of father. Though I am once again questioning his parenting skills. Don't worry though, I question mine all the time. And perhaps that's why this whole situation has me feeling stupidly insecure. The Child assures me I'm her favourite mother though. And she loves me more than this new girlfriend apparently. I should bloody well hope so!
I'll see the funny side I'm sure one day. There is a funny side isn't there? But I am beginning to wonder if there indeed limits to my patience. Perhaps remaining friends with him always was going to be impossible. I do know that if the situation were reversed he would be doing his nut. But then again, he yells at me for all sorts of things these days. I just don't sit back and take it anymore. Is that why The Child's being surly with him all of a sudden? Because she sees me arguing back? I do try not to argue in front of her. I left him in the first place to try and protect her from his temper. I stayed friends with him to try and protect her from any nastiness. And now I'm wondering if I've ended up doing more harm than good. Isn't life a joy?
And I've managed to rant on in what I suspect is an incoherent manner, but I'm feeling a bit better so it's all good as far as I'm concerned.
