Time To Get Sorted?

So I’ve neglected the writing thing for a while.  At least the blogging thing anyway.  My personal attempts at writing are still going on.  But enough of that.  I think I’ve hit a kind of milestone thing in life.  I’m currently veering between feeling determined to actually sort my life out, to feeling incredibly demotivated and potentially depressed.  Of course I know what I should be aiming for.  But it seems like such a mammoth task at times.  I mean, how many people actually manage to find something that truly makes them happy?

I have a gorgeous daughter, and a job.  And I am still incredibly grateful for the job.  But I still want more from life.  A house that isn’t covered in mould would be a start.  And yes, I know that drying my washing on radiators is not going to help the mould situation, but I’m not hanging my washing out in the rain.  And like hell am I opening windows when it’s difficult enough keeping the house warm.  I’m incredibly stubborn on this, so I’ll just have to live with the damp/mould/etc. 

Not so many spiders this year though.  See, I’m finding positives again.  Of course, we’re not entirely through spider season yet.  But I like to think the giant collection of mouldy conkers we’ve acquired is helping.  As unlikely as this is to be the case, I am determined to believe it.  If I believe spiders are deterred, I won’t be looking for them so often, and therefore won’t notice as many.  And ignorance is definitely bliss in this case.  What I don’t know can’t hurt me. 

One thing that has been plaguing me though is the question over whether my current nostalgia trip is healthy.  I’ve kind of been seeking out all the things I used to love as a child in the early nineties.  Sad I know, but it’s quite nice reliving the good memories from my childhood.  I’m just getting old I suppose, and trying to resist it.  Still, it would be nice to make a mark on the world other than having The Child.  Though she is fast turning into an amazing little person.  She’s growing up way too quickly too.  She’ll be attending her first wedding this Christmas too.  And yes, she is a bridesmaid.  She is very excited.  Bless her.

So, I know I’m not alone in not being particularly sorted in terms of being where I’d like to be.  But still.  I’m starting to feel like I’ve wasted my life a bit.  It’s nice to have got this off my chest I suppose.  But how does one start really living, instead of merely existing?

Feeling A Bit Guilty

I’ve been feeling a bit guilty lately.  I know I shouldn’t really, but we’ve had so many people come into the cafe asking if there are any jobs going.  A few weeks ago that was me.  And if they’d come in a few weeks ago, they’d have had a chance perhaps.  I know I’m really lucky and should be counting my blessings, but I do feel bad for those desperately looking.  Especially as I was only signing on for a few months.  I am enjoying the job though still.  And I’m more or less settled in now.  Though I do worry about food getting sent back while I’m working in the kitchen.  I’m not that bad really though, just not too confident yet.  I hope all those other ladies manage to find something soon though.  But everything around here’s shutting.  Town’s dead these days.  So many empty shops.  Yet people are still saying there are plenty of jobs available?  Not here I’d say.  Again, I cannot believe how lucky I was.  Scary.

And on a scarier note, The Child has almost finished yet another year of school.  That means she’s not too far off being another year older.  That means she’s growing up.  Which means I’m getting older.  And I really shouldn’t dwell too much on this.  Too many scary things these days.  Including millions of spiders in my bathroom.  No idea where they’ve all come from either.

Minor Adjustments

I’ve been making some minor adjustments to my daily routine since I joined the ranks of the employed.  For the most part these adjustments have been fine.  In a lot of areas, no changes have even needed to made.  I still have to endlessly nag The Child to get her ready, no matter what time of day.  But now, when I finish late I bring home scones and other goodies to keep both The Child and her babysitters happy.  I have a bit less time to clean around the house and tidy.  But somehow cleaning at work is preferable to cleaning at home.  I wonder if it has anything to do with getting paid, and having fewer distractions.

The biggest adjustment is that of actually legitimately nagging The Child as I have to get ready for work.  I still can’t quite believe I got the job, as sad as that sounds, and I’m half expecting to go in one day and have them tell me they made a terrible mistake.  That said, I’m pretty good at making lattes and the like now.  It’s just remembering all the things I need to clean and turn off at the end of the day.  And to check the water level in the fancy coffee machine thing.  And everything else on the checklist.  At least there is a checklist though. 

I’m feeling a lot better about myself now though.  Which is silly really.  There’s no reason I should have felt bad before.  But given that one-hundred and eighty people applied for this one job, I’m feeling pretty lucky.  And if I confess, I’m actually almost a little guilty.  That’s one-hundred and seventy-nine people still out looking, being looked down on by others because they weren’t as fortunate as me.  Still, I suppose it makes some people feel good doesn’t it, if they can look down on someone else.  Doesn’t make it right though, but never mind.

So, I’m still a single mum.  But I’m no longer on Jobseeker’s.  And I’m not married to a twat.  I’m probably as happy as I’m gonna be for a while.  I just hope the government doesn’t mess around with tax credits or anything too much more because now I’m working, I’d like to be able to afford to keep working thanks.  I’m still hiding from budget news though.  Which is probably a bit silly of me really.  But never mind.

So I Had a Somewhat Surreal Weekend

I thought the job interview went ok on Friday, but I was honestly expecting the ‘Sorry but you didn’t get the job’ phone call on Monday.  What I wasn’t expecting was the ‘You got the job’ phone call first thing Saturday morning.  I popped in yesterday to confirm accepting the job, and sort when I’m starting and everything.  And then I popped to the Jobcentre to tell them.  I still kind of half expect to wake up and find this is a dream or something.  It was my first interview after all.  In over a year of job hunting.  But it seems this is indeed real.  And as of Friday next week, I shall be working for money.  Instead of claiming Jobseeker’s.  And that is such a nice feeling.  I really can’t wait to get everything sorted with the Jobcentre next week.  I can’t wait to get settled in to the new job.  I can’t wait to get on with this next stage of my life.  I can only hope that this means things are finally going to get better.  At the very least people will stop looking down on me for wanting to be a mother now I’m in ‘honest’ employment.  Though I’m still mystified as to how people cannot see motherhood as some kind of job.  And yes, I am aware that I’m not working as a mother when The Child’s at school.  Hence the wanting to get a job.  But still.  Some people do confuse me.

I’m still a bit disappointed I never met a Pauline though.

So Today Wasn’t too Scary

After spending all morning worrying, I attended my first ever job interview.  I think it went well.  That isn’t to say I think the job’s mine, just that I managed not to act like a complete idiot, came across as a somewhat normal and sane person, and hopefully managed to convey my genuine desire to get this job.  Things going in my favour are the fact that of many applicants I am one of a few who are happy to work part-time hours.  My CV was apparently well presented, and shows me as being bright and intelligent.  I have no issues with getting childcare around the hours I would be working.  I looked presentable I think (Though it was incredibly windy today so I’ve no idea what the hair must have looked like).  And I’m wanting a nice stable, permanent job.  So, I guess it just depends on who I’m up against really.  Fingers crossed.  It would be so lovely if I could get this job, but in all honesty I am expecting the rejection call on Monday.  Still, my experience of interviews is not too bad now.  I can do them.  I can act sane for a reasonable length of time. 

Though I am totally guaranteed to panic again the next time I get an interview.

So I Shouldn’t Get too Excited Yet I Suppose . . .

But I’ve got a job interview!  After over a year of looking for a job I finally get an interview!  Of course, plenty of other people will be being interviewed too.  I probably won’t even get it.  But I actually have an interview.  And it’s this week!  And now I can start to panic.  But it is only a waitressing job.  But the hours are as ideal as I’m going to get.  And I wanted a waitressing job for now too as I’ve done plenty of that in the past.  Oh how gutted will I be if I stuff this up.  But given how badly I want this job maybe I won’t do too badly.  I think I managed to sound more or less sane on the phone as well.  Woohoo!  And even if I don’t get it, I’ll have interview experience.  And perhaps this is just the boost I need to make me more determined to find something.  Oh please please please.  I so want this job.  I need this job.  I will do everything I can to ensure I get this job. 

What on earth do I wear?  Eek.

Mental Block

So, I have finally remembered to update my CV.  At last.  I want to upload it to the Universal Jobmatch website.  The problem is I need to think up a title for it.  They advise using my skills or something as a title.  The problem is I have no skills that I am aware of.  Of course I think this right now because I’m going through a really low phase again, but that’s not the point.  So far the best idea I can come up with is ‘Desperate, will do anything for money’, but I can’t put that.  And of course I’m not remotely serious about putting that.  But it’s how I’m beginning to feel.  I have to sign on again tomorrow.  Again I have to give a list of random jobs I’ve applied for with absolutely no hope of success.  I’m not flexible enough.  I don’t drive.  I don’t have the relevant experience.  At least anyone having a CV lobbed at them now will know I’m currently volunteering at one of my local charity shops.  I have a recent reference now.  Woohoo.  But this CV title thing?  I’ve been trying to come up with something all evening.  I am so crap at selling myself.  Grrr.  I wonder if just putting down ‘Waitress’ would do.  It doesn’t really do much in the way of letting anyone know about my non-existent skills.  And I’ve been advised to downplay the whole having a degree thing given the type of menial jobs I’m looking for.  It’s something I am proud of though, even if I probably won’t ever use it.  Hooray for the benefits trap.

So, if anyone comes across a CV titled ‘Desperate, will do anything for money’, it just might be me out there.

So This Week Could Be Going Worse

Aside from continued illness inspired argumentativeness, The Child and I are actually having an ok half term.  This could all change after the doctors’ tomorrow, when we find out if she has eczema, something else, or nothing at all, but I’m actually feeling good right now.  This usually does not bode well, but nothing’s pulling me down tonight.

We had our usual weekend, and then on Monday I had to drag her down to the Jobcentre with me.  Instead of my usual sign on I was booked in for a meeting with the lone parent advisor, and how nice it was to see one of them again.  Aside from the little bits of bad news regarding the back to work incentive things, it was actually all pretty positive.  The only financial downside now to me getting a job that’s less than sixteen hours a week now, is that if my hours don’t increase within a year, after the first year is up I’ll be worse off again.  And I’m aware I’ve explained that badly, but basically as long as I get a job where the increase in hours seems possible, going for a job that’s less than sixteen hours a week isn’t quite as pointless as I’d previously thought.  Yay.  And as for the back to work incentive things, I never really paid much attention to them anyway.  An extra however much a week for the first year of getting a job is not going to make me any more likely to find a job.  I’m looking for a job regardless.  I want a job.  I’ve wanted a job since The Child started school.  I’ve been looking for a job since The Child started school.  I didn’t set out to be in my position.

Actually that’s something I’ve been thinking about again lately.  When I found out I was pregnant, sure I wasn’t exactly over the moon, but things seemed ok with my boyfriend.  We’d been living together for a while, and had been together almost three years.  So I was still at uni, but I was close to finishing, and I’d no career plans sorted.  We agreed together that I’d stay at home with the baby until she started school, after which time I’d look for a job.  And The Child was over a year old when we split up.  And we had very good reasons for splitting up.  Yes, being a single mum on benefits does get me down at times.  But I don’t regret staying at home with my daughter.  I don’t regret leaving The Ex.  All I regret is that there is a general lack of empathy and sympathy out there for women (and men) who find themselves in a situation not too dissimilar to mine.  Yes, there are some complete tosspots who work the system and everything, but they are a minority.  It’s such a shame they screw it all up for the rest of us.  How I love the media.  Oh, and I feel such love for the politicians as well.  Really couldn’t live without any of them.

And the Fun Continues

So, this year started off bad.  It’s been more of the same.  And now The Child may be getting yet another random medical complaint.  On the whole she’s very lucky.  Aside from a constant barrage of colds during winter, she doesn’t get ill very often.  But there was the random lump that appeared on her head when she was a few weeks old.  Thankfully that disappeared on it’s own when she was about four years old.  Then there was the head banging thing that started when she was six months.  That’s more or less stopped now.  But then there was the tiptoeing thing, with the in-turned feet that she’s got the special insoles for.  And now she might be developing eczema on her tummy and back.  If we’re lucky it’ll just be dry skin, exacerbated by winter.  That’s what I’m hoping.  Knowing our luck though it will be eczema.  At least she doesn’t mind having cream slavered over her body twice a day.  Of course I make sure I crank up the heating for her beforehand.  Joy.  I wonder how many other random things she’ll develop?  Hopefully we’re done. 

And I hope this awful cough she’s given me hurries up and goes away too.  We’ve both been achy and spluttery for nearly a fortnight now.  Not fun.  Grrr.

So yeah, 2013 is really living up to expectations so far.  Thank god I wasn’t expecting things to get better.  Of course, it could have been the hoping thing that stuffed us.  Hmmm.

And So It Goes On

When will the ice disappear?  Snow I can handle.  At least I could until my wellies gave up and decided to start leaking.  But no, we just have endless ice.  Our hill is lethal first thing.  And then what little has melted during the day has more or less frozen over again by the time I have to pick The Child up from school.  Joy.

This year continues to be fun.  So far I am still on Jobseekers.  So far various major issues from last year continue to be not improving in the slightest.  And I have yet to re-find my motivation.  I’m doing ok with my little exercise routine though.  Well I was before the cold from hell hit.  Exercise when you can’t breathe is not fun. 

I have been coping with the cold weather by accepting that most of our money needs to be spent on heating, and curling up on the sofa with The Child, our lovely fleecy blankets, and Harry Potter DVDs.  Now The Child is often to be found dressing up as a witch and casting spells.  Though her desire to marry Ron Weasley lasted a mere day, when he was replaced in her affections by one of the My Little Ponies.  I am still impressed by her reaction when I mentioned there are Harry Potter books.  I don’t really have any more bookshelf space to accommodate new books though.  I need more furniture.  Desperately.  That or I really need to stop buying us books.  And that so is not going to happen.  Not with two book lovers in the house.

I am impressed by my survival through what is quite possibly one of the scariest moments of my life.  The other morning The Child asked me why people have babies.  I am so glad she asked ‘why’ rather than ‘how’.  Though she was clearly unimpressed by my answer.  I resisted the urge to say ‘because they’re mad’, and went with, ‘because they want to’ instead. 

I would say I’m ready for the warmer weather now, but I know what that’ll bring.  Even more morons than we already have here.  I definitely am not a fan of people right now.  Though the random larger swigging bloke in town earlier was interesting.  All the more so for the howling dogs, the dead pheasant, and the oh so casual stance.

New Year. Joy

So, given that I was feeling pretty optimistic this time last year, I figured that this year I’d start off feeling tense, rubbish, and extremely cynical.  I don’t expect 2013 to improve on 2012 at all.  Though if I wanted to be optimistic I could say that this is the year I’ll find a job, a man worth losing my head over, and some kind of security, both emotional and financial.  Oh, and The Child would be happy too.  Of all these things though the only thing I do expect is for The Child to be generally happy.  Of course that could go tits up too.  It hasn’t so far though, so fingers crossed.  Oh, I wouldn’t mind a toned up midsection either, though I started working on that before Christmas.  And here’s the big confession.  Despite being on Jobseeker’s Allowance, I got myself and The Child a Wii.  To be fair though it was only £160 at PC World.  And I got £50 birthday money from my grandma.  And £50 Christmas money from both my grandma and my parents.  So in actual fact, I got The Child and me a Wii for a tenner.  And it has the Wii fit stuff too.  So there.  I only spent a tenner of taxpayers' money there.  Of course they should all be more pissed off by the amount I spent on The Child’s Christmas presents.  And presents for my family.  Oops.