Snow, Big Changes, and Random Kindness

Now, the toddler loves snow. I'm still not such a fan, though she does provide an excuse to build snowmen. I just don't like being excessively cold and damp, and neither does she as it happens. It's all great until she reaches that stage, at which point it's much less fun. Admittedly, we've managed to avoid any excessive tantrums of the 'I'm too cold' variety, so far.

I should give the toddler more credit. She was so excited when she first saw the snow, presumably not remembering last winter. She had a great time playing in my parents' garden, helping build snowmen and snow castles (she filled a bucket with snow, and tipped it up - snow instead of sand). And then she accepted the decision to go back inside when it got too cold. She has a smart head on her shoulders. Just as well really, given she starts nursery next year, on January 5th. Now that's exciting, and scary. I can't quite believe we're at that stage now, but I am looking forward to having my afternoons back. Toddler free shopping and chores. Or maybe even a crappy part time job somewhere. Mmm. A bit of a life for myself in any case, no matter how dull.

Fortunately the nursery is just up the road from us. This is good, not just for convenience, but because the pushchair is now broken. The wheel fell off for the second time, only now the pushchair's not under guarantee anymore. As she wouldn't be needing it for much longer anyway, I made the executive decision to not bother forking out to get it fixed, and just to give it up. Luckily we do live near town and shops and the nursery. Her father's as well. In fact, it's just getting to my parents' that could be fun, and in all fairness, we could get the bus. The toddler would love that. She does love watching the buses. It's yet another of those everyday mundane things that fascinates her so. Oh to find the world so amazing!

Actually, something amazing did happen today. A complete stranger I have never met before stopped me on the way back home from the shops. She wanted to tell me how nice it was to see me and my daughter walking along together in the snow. But that was not all. Her point was that we were walking together at the toddler's slow pace, rather than my normal pace which is a heck of a lot faster. She said that she was sick of seeing mothers just dragging their kids along behind them, rather than taking their time walking with their children. Now, I'm beginning to wonder if I am the mad one. But she's right. This place is so full of people like The Family, forcing the kids to fit around them. After all, to stop the kids slowing them down, the ex's sister had her son in his pushchair until very recently. Well I'm assuming she doesn't still put him in it now. He was still in it a month ago though. And he started school back in September. Four and a half and still in a pushchair. Now, the toddler has only just turned three, and we've ditched hers. Admittedly it's only permanently ditched because it broke, but we were cutting back on it. I assumed it'd be done with by next summer anyway.

But that's getting off the issue. I was horrified at the idea that millions of kids out there are being dragged around. What's wrong with slowing down for the children? Hmm. It's like all those parents who don't drill into their kids that you stop at traffic lights, and WAIT for the green man. I do, because I don't want the toddler to just leg it across the road and get killed by a car. But that's just me. Of course I'm doing millions of parents a great injustice. There are many more parents out there like me I'm sure. I hope so anyway, because the alternative is so depressing. But you never know in this day and age.

It's That Time Of Year Again

As a miserable, cynical adult, I normally hate Christmas. I'm not religious, so to me it was always just a hassle. Endless traipsing round overcrowded shops, trying to find something half decent to get various friends and family members. Tedious, and stressful. Though not so this year. To be fair, with regard to presents I was a little more organised than previous years. I only have the toddler to purchase presents for still. And that's purely because I have no idea what to get her, having used up all ideas on her birthday last month. Hmm. Not so good, and slightly stressful, but not the end of the world. I shall find something. And there it is, that unfamiliar optimism creeping through. Strange sensation.

To be frank, I suspect what has changed is the fact that the toddler is now of an age that Christmas is something she finds exciting. All our neighbours have lights, decorations, and Christmas trees up. They're also making a deal of it on CBeebies. It's so sweet seeing her so excited about our tree going up in the lounge, her little eyes lighting up when she helped decorate the thing. And of course, now she understands what I mean when I say she'll get some presents. And the toddler loves presents. She told me so on her birthday. Bless her. And so she eagerly awaits Christmas Day, while I look forward to a day of eating my Dad's cooking while watching the toddler rip into her presents. Of course we'll be off to my parents for Christmas dinner. It'd be miserable if it was just the two of us.

But of course, I cannot forget The Family. She has to see them as well. It's only fair of course. That's assuming they can be bothered to turn up. Though they managed for her birthday this year, so maybe it'll be different Christmas too. For her sake I hope so. Unless the sullen cousin tries to spoil it again. Hmm. I anticipate much fun there.

But aside from my renewed sense of Christmas spirit, I have been feeling positive this past week for other reasons. Without meaning to enjoy the misery of others, I couldn't help but smile when told that someone had slashed the tyres on Psycho's car. It seems I'm not the only person who can't stand the bloke. Haha. Good on 'em I say. Now he has to fork out for new tyres. As well as all the parking fines, because he won't put his parking permit in his car. He lives in a disk zone you see. But it's all part of his battle with the council or something. Hmm. Not that he pays the parking fines, hence the bailiffs. Not forgetting the outstanding council tax as well. Idiot.

So, aside from my nice family Christmas, and the toddler's other one, I am also looking forward to hooking up with friends back in the city. I must confess that I'm almost looking forward to seeing the city again as much as my friends. I always was more of a city girl though. I like the anonimity, and the shops. We've barely anything decent here, and what shops we do have are tiny. Most of what we have here are cheap, tacky shops. Grimness. But I shall be glad to see all my friends again, while escaping the toddler. As much as I love her, I do need to escape every now and again, so that I can just be myself. I know a couple of mothers who are all about the kids. I'd never want to lose who I am. And so to the city I'll go, to eat out and have a few drinks with friends. Before catching a train back to this dump. And what fun I shall have, while the toddler torments her grandparents.

And so, for once I actually look forward to Christmas. It's been a good year so far. Mostly anyway. And so I wonder what the next shall bring. Hopefully the ex shall meet someone else, and get off my back as a result. Maybe Psycho will get struck by lightning. Maybe The Family shall learn to put others first. Or maybe it'll just be more of the same. But either way, it can't be that bad. I hope.

The Psycho

Also known as the ex's brother. I do think it's strange for him to have such a strong negative opinion of me, given that he barely knows me, and as far as I'm aware I've not actually ever done anything to him. Other than exist of course. And have a four and a half year relationship with his younger brother. Hmm.

I used to get upset by his attitude, but I have to say, given time, and recent events, I now find the situation rather entertaining. About a year and a half ago, when I'd just come out of hospital after a severe bout of cholocystitis, I had a bit of a row with the ex regarding his child maintenance payments. He owed me a fair amount you see, as he hadn't paid me anything while I was in hospital. Anyway, Psycho took it upon himself to go round to my parents, where I was living at the time, and and get a bit, something. I wasn't there as I'd gone out to do some shopping. That's why I'd phoned the ex, hoping that he could meet me and pay this money. Anyway, the ex claimed that he was too ill to go out or something, and that he'd send Psycho around to my parents with the money.

Anyway, apparently Psycho turned up, told my parents that he'd advised the ex to pay me nothing, bearing in mind the child maintenance is for the toddler, not me. Hmm. He also claimed that the ex had taken out a huge loan, "To keep me in designer clothing". Amusing considering I've never owned a single item of designer clothing in my life. I tend to live in New Look, and Sainsbury's finest. Topshop, M&S, and Miss Selfridge at a push, but I consider them a splurge. I'm not exactly loaded. And never have been. Certainly not when I was a student, as I was for the majority of my relationship with the ex. Hmm. I'm flattered Psycho could make that error, but until last summer I considered myself queen of the frump. All my stuff was old and manky. I must confess to a splurge in H&M though, last summer. But it was very necessary. And Psycho was unaware of this. And H&M is hardly Gucci now. They do very nice clothes at H&M though.

Psycho does this though. He forms such strong but groundless opinions of people, and that makes such statements to people, and makes himself look like a complete idiot. The thing with the bailiffs for example. His shop has been hounded by the bailiffs of late as he refuses to pay the council tax, as he doesn't get waste collection at the shop or something. Anyway, when they first turned up, he called the police. And the second time they turned up, he called the police again. He also called the police when some builders spilt some oil or something on the grass in his garden. The grass in the affected area was killed you see. Naturally, the police didn't do anything about it. And they were reluctant to get involved with the bailiffs too. Bet the police dread Psycho's phone calls. Either that or they find him very entertaining. My parents and I certainly do.

He's just been in the local paper again actually, complaining about the fact that a bridge is being closed for vital maintenance and repair work. Hmm. I'm no bridge expert, but if it's in need of repair and maintenance, I'm all for them shutting it so that they can repair it and stuff. Psycho shall of course be inconvenienced by this of course, as he uses this bridge to get to work. It's closure will involve him having to take a slightly different, and slightly longer route every morning and evening. Worth complaining to the papers for of course. Hmm.

I'm just eagerly awaiting the next installment.

Yet Another Year

The toddler is now three years old. I consider it a great achievement to have kept her alive so long. Though she is a giant it has to be said. Everyone at her toddler group thought she must be four, but no, she is only three. And by some miracle, her father actually managed to arrange a sort of family party for her. Of course, me and my mum had a little party for her on her actual birthday. The proper thing shall be tomorrow, as that's when everyone else in my family shall be available. But when arranging things with her father and his family, well, it can be tricky. Last year none of them turned up. I kind of put my foot down about it this year. And they managed to bring her presents to her, so we didn't have to go and visit each of them in turn like we did on her first birthday. I was still with her father back then you see, so I reluctantly took his family's nonsense. Hmm. Fun times.

Anyway, she's now three. And she loves birthdays, and chocolate cake, and presents, and balloons. And today's party almost provided those things. There was cake, but it was a pink fairy cake, not the chocolate cake she requested. But The Family are somewhat determined to stick to stereotypes. All girls should want pink fairy themed cakes of course. Hmm. She ate her icing, but like me she doesn't seem to like regular jammy sponge cake. Or trifle. They had to have a trifle too. But they only doubled up on one present this year. That's progress. Of course, asking what she's already got would be too sensible. But there we go. And the sullen cousin wouldn't sing happy birthday, and complained about her eating the icing stars off the cake, and bitched about the presents. But the sullen cousin is a spoilt brat who can't handle anyone else getting anything when she doesn't. She is only seven I suppose. Hmm. Still a spoilt brat though.

But it was definately an improvement on last year. Like I said, none of them turned up. But they never tend to visit her. We have to go to them, and fit in with their shopping schedule. The toddler finds it very boring of course, and maybe that association was responsible for the minor tantrum she threw. Hmm. Who knows. She was not going to tell me what the problem was. Though she did enjopy opening the presents, bless her.

I wonder what will be achieved next year. And in some weird way, I actually look forward to finding out. Just as long as her psychotic uncle continues to keep away.

Personal Choice

When I was a child, my mother stayed at home bringing up my two sisters and myself. I never thought that there was anything wrong with this. Most of my childhood friends also had their mothers at home. And back then, I think society as a whole accepted that. Yet now, as a stay at home mother, I seem to come across an awful lot of prejudice against mothers who choose to stay at home with their children.

Now maybe I'm just being stupid, but why should I want to pay someone else to bring up my child for me while I earn a pittance, most of which ends up paying for the childcare? And especially when I would rather be at home bringing up my child myself anyway? This attitude was emphasised however, when getting her birth registered. When hearing that I was unemployed, they asked me what my previous job was. And when i mentioned working as a waitress while I was at university, they seized on that. My daughter's birth certificate therefore states that I am a graduate. Great. Mine states my mother as a homemaker or something like that. Though of course, that doesn't appear to be acceptable anymore.

But seriously. When my daughter was born, I was always being asked when I planned to start work. My answer has always been, when she starts school. And I have to say, this is often met with a look of disapproval. And this was before I became a single mother scrounging off the government. Though, like I said, I do want to start work when she's at school. Being at home forever does not appeal to me. I'm not lazy. I just want to be there for my own child, bringing her up my way. Why should I pay someone else to do the job that I want to do, and that I can do, just so that I can do some other job?

Of course, if you're a working mother then that's your choice, and I respect that. But please in that case respect my decision. It doesn't make me any less of a person, or any worse a person. It just makes me someone who made a different choice to the one you made. And it's not like it's an easy job either. However, I find it incredibly rewarding. More so than many other jobs out there. And it is a job by the way.

In any case, I suppose I pity those people who believe themselves above women like me. I pity then for being unable to understand why someone might make the choice I've made. Married or not, the decision is about doing what we believe to be best for our children. And ok I admit there is a bit of selfishness in there. I want to be the one who first hears her utter new words, or first witnesses her latest accomplishments. But I'm the one who brought her into the world, so why shouldn't I be allowed such privileges? Some women may decide to stay at home because they have a husband who earns enough to support them and the children. These same women may also still pay people to bring up their kids for them. However, not all of us stay at home mothers choose this option because we don't wish to work. Lots of working mothers work because they are better off financially. I would be better off if I worked, but I made the decision to be worse off so I can bring my daughter up. I am no better than them. They are no better than me. We just made a different choice.

There are two sides to this argument, and I personally do not feel that any one side is right. It should be down to what you personally think is the best thing for yourself and your child, not what society as a whole seems to deem most appropriate. Trends do of course change with time. Who knows, it could all change again soon enough. And then mothers like myself may be looking down on those who choose to work.

A Difference Of Opinion

To some extent, it was this difference of opinion that resulted in my becoming a single mother. However, that simplifies the situation a little. It was one of the bigger issues however, though I once believed it to be many different little things. I now realise though that it's not really many different things, just one big thing. Extreme selfishness. Now I can be a selfish person. There have been days where I've begged the toddler, my daughter, to just let me have a bit of time to myself to read a book, or do the laundry or something, rather than sit giving her my undivided attention for a full twenty-four hours. Admittedly, that happens most days, but only because the chores really have to be done. And she is pretty self-sufficient at times, able to amuse herself for short periods and stuff. However, my now ex-fiance and his family would probably think I am being too soft or something. Most members of his family, himself included, I have realised exhibit what I now refer to as extreme selfishness. It encompasses a complete disregard for all others, and the ability to put no one but themselves first, ever. Of course, again it is somewhat over-simplified. You have to experience this firsthand maybe. But this sort of thing is bizarre to me. As a mother, I would find it impossible to always put my needs over the toddler's. She is a gorgeous little person, and so sweet and funny. At times she can be trying, and a nuisance, and even an absolut nightmare. But she is a person, and not quite yet three, so such behaviour is, in my opinion, excusable.

Her other relatives, AKA The Family, would disagree. I recall one time recently when the toddler and I had accompanied the ex and his dreaded relations on yet another of their family trips around town (And it is a small town in which we live). The toddler was teething, getting her four last teeth all at once no less, and deigned to have a bit of a sudden unprovoked tantrum in the middle of some overcrowded cafe. The ex's mother imediately declared that that was a temper that was, and we must put an immediate stop to such behaviour. Now as the caring and concerned mother I am, I was appalled. The toddler is usually beautifully behaved, and such behaviour was, and I hope continues to be, unusual. My automatic repsonse to her tantrum, as a caring kind of person, was to feel distressed by my inabilty to soothe her, and relieve whatever (I suspect pain) was causing her tantrum. No such sympathy from The Family however. I try and explain that she's teething and probably in pain, but no concern from them, no. She had had the nerve to disturb their peace. Hmm. As I said, a difference of opinion.

Other things that are a part of this selfishness include their attitudes towards presents, both the giving and receiving of. They will not deliver presents to the recipient. You have to go and collect them if you want them. Also, they do not bestow upon you gifts that you would necessarily like or need. If you don't like what they get you, tough. If they get you something you already have, tough. Now, I am the sort of person who will try and get someone something I think that they will like, and if I can, I shall deliver it to them on the appropriate day. Admittedly I am not so good at this when the recipient is someone who lives in a different town or city, like my older sister or closest friend. But The Family all live here, in our small town. ANd who knows what they'll all be getting for the toddler for her birthday next month. Despite the fact that I'm her mother, and am not going to be the recipient of the their gifts, they won't let me in on their plans. I can request things that she would like, or that would be useful for her, but no, they already have their own ideas. That's how we've come to have a house full of toys she never plays with, and that take up too much space. We have no room for anything else, but that doesn't matter to The Family. They will do as they wish of course, with no regard for anyone else.

I don't know. Very strange. Or maybe it's just me.