Feeling Old

I don’t drink much or often.  But occasionally I will treat myself to the odd bottle of wine.  Especially if it’s on offer.  Anyway, in order to celebrate the fact that I’m now officially pushing thirty (eek!) I purchased myself some wine.  Now, another woman on the self-service checkout next to mine was also getting wine.  I see this woman often as we pass on the school run.  She's undoubtedly prettier than me, but I’d always thought we looked a similar age.  Anyhow, we both finished at the same time, but the guy working these checkouts went to her first.  He ID’d her and she was both surprised and annoyed (as I would have been).  She had no ID so had to give up the wine.  He then immediately turned to me and said without giving it a second thought, “You’re alright.”  Yes I got my wine, and I’ve not been ID’d since I was twenty-three, but still.  I suppose I’m glad I don’t look that young really.  I just don’t want to look old.  Not yet.  Especially as I feel bloody old at times.  But bearing in mind I’m now almost thirty, I could have done with that little ego boost.  Grrr.  The cake cheered me up though.  As did the wine.

But I do feel old sometimes.  I act like a kid so often, and then feel embarrassed, thinking I should at least be playing at being a grown up.  But how does one act like a grown up?  We’re supposed to be responsible I suppose?  Well, I can budget, and pay my bills on time and everything.  I’m never short of money for rent because I’m careful not to overspend.  But is that all there is to being a grown up?  Beyond holding down a responsible job (which shall hopefully soon be me)?  Beyond taking good care of any children one might have (that one’s still debatable with me of course, though I do my best)?  Actually The Child makes me feel old.  She finds everything so amazing and exciting and has so much energy.  Was I ever that enthusiastic about anything?  I can’t remember.  And I’m convinced I never had that much energy either.  But maybe I should try and hold onto the childish immature side of me, as then perhaps I won’t ever feel too old.  Perhaps other grown ups out there feel as immature and stupid as I do on occasion.  Though I know I wish The Child wasn’t in such a hurry to get here.  She seems to have far more fun.  Though I remember thinking that grown ups got it easy.  No school.  I didn’t consider what having a job might be like.  And grown ups can watch whatever they like on TV.  They can look at whatever they like on the internet.  They can write whatever they like on the internet.  But kids can get away with naivety.  Try being an overly naive adult, now that’s not so much fun I can tell you.  Though I’m not as bad as I was.  At least I don’t think I am.