Where Did It Go?

I’m beginning to wonder where my sense of humour went.  I used to be able to see the funny side of things a lot more often.  I didn’t always used to feel so annoyed and angry about things so often.  Take today for example, we had a minor family crisis.  Ok, so what happened was not in the slightest bit funny.  Under no circumstances would I ever have found it funny.  But given that my first reaction to what happened was extreme anger and disbelief, I was somewhat thrown.  Once upon a time I would have felt guilt and concern.  Perhaps it’s just that5 this year has thrown too much crap my way.  It’s been pretty crap for the rest of the family as well.  The Ex has had more than his fair share too.  In fact I’m beginning to think he’s been a bit of a saint where The Child and me are concerned, given what he’s done for us this year while coping with his own family traumas and everything. 

I’m not sure if I just feel a bit like I’ve been taken for granted.  I spend so much time being there for everyone else that it’s a bit easy to neglect myself.  I’ll spend so much time worrying about others that I forget my situation.  Of course, it’s nice to forget about my situation, but I can only take on so much of the crap belonging to other people before it begins to add to my own crap.  So, while some people may feel I’m neglecting them or whatever, perhaps I’ve taken on just about as much as I can handle.  Perhaps I’m in need of someone to hold my hand for a change.  And is it really a surprise that I might choose to offer more support to those who support me than those who don’t?  Personally I think that’s more than reasonable.  We’re all sinking this year.  I just hope I manage to pull myself out of this soon.  For my own sake before anyone else’s.

Perhaps I’ll look back on this year sometime in the future and find humour in it all, but right now about all I can say is we could have one hell of a family Christmas newsletter this year.  I would give the ‘at least we still have . . .’ speech, but I don’t want to jinx anything.  Besides, we still have a few weeks of this year left.  Anything could still happen.  Joy.