Restless

I dwell on things too much.  It makes me restless.  I could be reading, or listening to music or something.  I shouldn’t just sit and dwell on things.  It’s amazing how much time I waste just sitting, thinking about things.  I need to immerse myself in housework once The Child’s in bed.  I need to not be disheartened by the rubbish list of available jobs on the Jobcentre website, but comfort myself with thoughts that there will be a suitable job opportunity soon.  And then I should hurriedly move onto another task.  Unfortunately I’m rubbish at housework.  I just find it tedious and miserable.  And as it’s so mindless I find myself dwelling on thing while I do it.  So why do I choose to dwell on things instead of doing stuff I enjoy?  Because I am mad.

Actually I do have moments where even though I am thinking about things a bit too much I am actually thinking positive thoughts.  That is rare though, and is more likely to happen when I’m talking things through with other people.  Hmm.  I really need to get out more.  I need to meet more people.  I wish the limited means available to me had been more fruitful.  Mum’s forums haven’t proved that helpful though.  Maybe I’m not obsessed with my kid enough.  And there is the fact that mums’ groups tend to be for mums with younger kids.  Unfortunately for me I did not come across any such group until after The Child had started nursery.  And there’s the fact that she’s at The Ex’s on Saturdays, which ruled them out as well as the weekdays.  Joy.  And I am so crap with people.  But I suppose that’s kind of obvious from my posts on here.  I am not a people person it seems.  Hmm.

I am more hopeful for the new year though.  Next year will be better.  I shall meet people.  I might not click with them, but I shall definitely be meeting people.  Fingers crossed.  I need to not be so restless.  Maybe I can immerse myself in my short part-time counselling course.  I need to feel motivated.  I’ve been living like this for too long.  Change is scary, but it might take away the restlessness.  I can hope anyway.  I really need something positive to happen next year.  I really do.  My sanity depends upon it.