Inspiration

I’ve decided what I’m lacking is inspiration.  I confess I’m lacking motivation as well, but fear does that to me.  It zaps away the motivation that is.  It’s difficult to be motivated when things are beginning to terrify you just a bit.  Maybe I’m just being melodramatic, but there are things that are making me feel just a wee bit demoralised.  And funnily enough, all these pro-marriage things the government are proposing, like tax breaks for married couples, and the pro-marriage lessons in school actually only serve to make me more anti-marriage than I was before.  So Mr Cameron, would I be doing a better job with The Child if I’d just given up on the self respect and married The Ex?  So he was emotionally abusive, and potentially violent, but what the heck.  I’d have been married right?  I wouldn’t be another single mum bleeding the country dry would I?  Oh, hang on a minute, I’m actually a slightly intelligent person.  I managed to get a degree after all.  And I would actually like to work.  Perhaps you could look at ways to make that easier?  Or you could keep doing things to make that harder for people like me, and more scary.  Oh, and The Child and I shall really appreciate being homeless in summer if I don’t manage to find a job by then.  And I am actually looking.  And I’m still on the income support.  So there.

Immature yes.  But I’m still in my twenties, and as I live alone with a five year old I am possibly a bit too used to acting like a child.  I’m just terrified.  I really am.  I know/really hope I’ll find a job soon.  I’m just scared I’m going to stuck in a rut similar to the one I’m currently in forever.  Oh, and for the record, I think a loving and stable environment is far more important for a child than whether or not mum and dad are married or even still together.  So there.

So, inspiration.  I need more inspiration to get writing again.  I need to cut out the crap in my life perhaps, but how to do that when there’s so much?  Hmm.  Though I am getting more life experience now, even though I’m mostly confined to the house still.  A job shall provide even more I think/hope.  I still want to write though, and maybe I’ll get it back again.  The ability to write stuff that I’m not one hundred percent convinced is complete and utter rubbish that is.  I’m not confident enough or whatever to actually think I’m capable of writing something good.  Unless it’s an essay about whether or not alcoholism is a brain disease.  I got a really good mark for that one.  Perhaps I should have stuck with the psychology.  Only I really can’t as that requires more education.  I can’t do a full time course as that will hinder my getting a job.  Joy.  Love the logic there I really do.  You must get a crap job.  You cannot possibly get any training that will enable you to get a better job that would suit you much better than waitressing or something.  That said, I still think waitressing might suit me quite well at the moment.  Unfortunately I haven’t noticed any waitressing jobs going since I got the CV sorted.  Typical.

I need inspiration.  I need motivation.  Dammit I need a new life.  Grrr.  I really hate this time of year.  I always feel so rubbish and dissatisfied.  At least I won’t be spending my New Year’s Eve writing a list of good and bad points of the year.  I won’t be writing down things I want to change or achieve next year.  I’ll be out dancing.  I shall hopefully be a bit merry after a couple of drinks.  Who knows, I might even be feeling positive about stuff then.  I can hope anyway.  Even if that is dangerous.