Self Discovery

If someone had told me back at the beginning of January what an eye opener this counselling skills course would be, I’m not sure I would have believed them.  I was pretty sure I knew myself as well as I could really, but now I know this is not the case.  The change in me over the past few months has been huge really I think.  I’m not sure if it’s so obvious to my friends or family, but I have noticed.  I’m generally feeling more confident, though perhaps not enough yet to make a huge impact on my life.  I certainly had the confidence to stick up for myself when that charity bloke came round the other day though.  Back before I started this course, I’d probably have signed up for the charity thing, only to have to drag myself down to the bank at a later date to cancel the direct debit.  Now I’m determined to stand my ground where I feel it’s right to do so.

I need to start drawing again though.  If I’ve rediscovered my desire to learn the guitar and to write, then today’s lesson may just have kick-started my need to draw.  I need to get creative again, like I used to be.  I don’t want to be bogged down in the whole ‘single-mum, scrounger’ persona I’d kind of started wearing.  Though I never did truly consider myself a scrounger.  I’m not.  I just wanted to be there for my daughter before she started school, while not having a partner to live off.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve now made it sound like I disapprove of stay at home mums who do have partners.  I obviously don’t disapprove of them.  I’m using judgmental language again.  I guess I’m so used to people talking negatively about stay at home mums, single or otherwise.  I need to change that. 

But anyway, I’ve kind of been on this journey of self discovery lately, and it’s been very enjoyable.  I really don’t want it to be over, and now I have another reason to be gutted I can’t go on to do the degree.  Grrr.  Still, it gives me another reason to be determined to get there one day, hopefully in the not too distant future.  It’s another motivating factor, and I think that’s something that has been missing from my life since uni.  Motivation.  But now I have it again.  Yay.