Fenced In

Watching 9 Songs always leaves me wishing I could go to more gigs.  I miss my very late teens/early twenties.  Now I love The Child, but the more time goes on the more I miss my life pre-motherhood.  I just feel that I’d have more choices if I wasn’t tied to the house with The Child.  And I know I’m not tied to the house while she’s at school, but I spend that time trying to look for jobs and doing work for my counselling skills course.  Actually, the hand in date for my last essay is next Wednesday.  And then it will be over.  Officially.  And I’ll have nothing to do then but job-hunt and do my volunteer job on the occasional Saturday I’m needed.  So yeah, I wish I had more freedom really.  I feel a bit fenced in.  And I need to stop being so self pitying really.  I really can be so miserable sometimes, and no one likes people who’re too self-pitying.  Besides, there are people in far worse situations than me.  I just wish people would understand what it’s like a bit more really.  Though perhaps the summer won’t be that bad.  Perhaps the weather will keep away the worst of the tourists, and perhaps I’ll find a job.  Perhaps The Child will get over this current grim phase she’s going through.  Perhaps she’ll start sleeping again.  And perhaps our house will stop looking like a bomb site.  I’d still love to go to another gig though.  I need gig going friends and a babysitter.  I need something anyway.  I think I’m losing my grip on sanity.  Ironically though, I think the essay I’m writing on depression might actually be helping me hang on to the sanity a bit.  It’s the CBT aspect though I think.  Something will come along soon though.  That or I’ll just manage to keep going as always.  Everything will be fine etc.  I just hope I start believing it soon.