Worried

Ok, I’m seriously beginning to worry about myself.  There are many reasons for this, and I don’t care if it seems that I’m a bit self centred here.  Is it really self centred to be worried about yourself?  I don’t really think so.  Anyway, yeah, I suspect I really should get out more.  Of course, living miles from any of my friends that can be a bit difficult.  Perhaps I should move.  Of course in order to move I’d need money.  I’d also need to make sure I was moving somewhere that was in the catchment area for a half decent school.  It would need to be affordable for me on LHA as well, which given my LHA allowance is being dramatically reduced this month could be tricky.  And now I’ve reminded myself that I’m going to be twenty pound a week worse off.  Joy.  And I still haven’t managed to get a job.  Joy.  I wish the government could find a way to actually make it easier for people in my position to get work, rather than just make it more difficult for us to live on benefits.  I don’t want to be living on benefits for the rest of my life.  I hate having to rely on benefits.  I’d love a job.  It’d get me out of the house more.  And I still haven’t heard from any other volunteer places.  I still only have the one volunteer job.  And they don’t need me in that often.  And it’s only Saturdays anyway.  Grrr.  So, yeah, I’m worried about myself a bit there too.  Money, work, getting out and stuff.

The biggest reason I’m getting worried though is the amount of time I’m spending online these days.  Though I do have this growing need to escape reality.  Now, I’m not sure if it’s reality that’s doing for my sanity or the amount of time I spend trying to pretend real life isn’t real.  I used to think it was the books and the music keeping me sane.  But now I spend an inordinate amount of time on fan forums and various websites.  I need my fix of the various bands I’m into.  Rammstein in particular.  I really am worried I’m going insane.  Actually I’m not.  I was insane already I think.  I mean, what’s normal these days?  And I’m not hurting anyone really.  Except maybe myself.  But it makes me happy.  For a little while anyway. 

So yeah, I’m a little worried.  But I guess it could be worse.  I wouldn’t be online nearly so much if I had something better to do.  And before the benefit bashers think I should be busy job-hunting instead, thanks to numerous job-hunting websites, I can job-hunt at the same time as all the other stuff.  Doesn’t make any more jobs I can apply for magically appear though.  Grrr.  Though perhaps next week will be better.  Perhaps the perfect job is just around the corner.  Or perhaps I’ll suddenly start writing something half decent.  Perhaps I’ll write something that doesn’t make me cringe and become a successful author.  Yes, dreamland is much better than real life.  Into my head I disappear again.  Yay.

And yes, that was a bit of a pointless post.  But I don’t really care.  Made me feel better.