Bipolar? Hmm.

Ok, I’m beginning to wonder if I might be a bit bipolar.  Of course, I’m not suggesting I actually have bipolar disorder, it’s just that one day I’ll be feeling really positive about stuff, and then suddenly I’m right back down again.  It’s not particularly fun to say the least.  And nothing can shake the feeling that I’m a bad person.  Except when I’m in one of my more positive moods of course.  Actually, I think it’s the guilt and subsequent doubts that bring me back down again.  I really ought to get out of The Situation.  But at times I feel so positive, and wonder if it is actually worth hanging on.  Things might work out ok after all.  They might.  But of course that thought there relies on hope.  I don’t have a good track record with hope.  Hope usually leads to disappointment.  And this time disappointment could lead to getting hurt.  Hmm.  i really don’t want to get hurt.  But I don’t want to hurt anyone else either.  But in these situations someone always gets hurt.  Why does it have to be so complicated?  Grrr.

So anyway, today I’m on a downer again.  I’ll probably be fine later though.  And this is why it’s so maddening.  Why can’t I just figure out what I want?  Perhaps if I could do that, then I could lay my cards on the table.  Of course, I know what would happen then.  But why can’t I let this go?  Grrr.  I need to I think.  But at the same time, I don’t want to throw away a chance of being happy.  It’s about time some happiness came my way I think.  But I don’t know.  Confusion continues to rule my life for now then.  And in the mean time I am subjected to some wacky mood swings.  Hmm.  Fun.  Though it could be worse.  Perhaps.