If Only I’d Known

At some point during the summer last year, my best friend came up to visit.  Then again, maybe it was when she came for my birthday in the autumn. Anyway, it was a long time before March, and I’m pretty sure it was summer rather than autumn.  Well, we made a little deal.  The deal was that she would email this guy she met while on a course who she liked, and I would friend someone on Facebook who I fancied the summer I got together with The Ex.  Basically I got together with The Ex because I didn’t think I stood a chance with this other guy. 

I ended up forgetting that I’d sent the friend request because it was absolutely ages before I heard anything from him.  Not that friending someone on Facebook automatically means you’ll actually hear from them.  But anyway, one night back in March he actually accepted my friend request (months after I’d sent it) and we had a really long random chat about stuff.  I then heard nothing from him again until June.  Not that it really mattered as we both have our own lives and live opposite ends of the country.  It was just nice to catch up.  Anyway, once again it was a little while before he got in touch again.  And yes, I never got in touch back because that’s something I’m really bad at.  Things have changed a little bit now though.  For a start, I know that my getting in touch with him is quite welcome.  I feel bad about it though.

Well, I had a bit less of a wait before he got in touch again, as The Situation kind of began in August.  It wasn’t until late September that I began to understand that I was caught up in The Situation though.  Yes, I really am that naive.  Anyway, someone being a bit flirty online does not necessarily mean that there’s anything going on.  Flirting can be entirely innocent.  I would say I am good at innocent flirting, but I’m not.  I’m better at that than I am at not so innocent flirting though.  And I still cannot believe it took me nearly a month to realise what was actually going on.  Of course he’s married, hence The Situation.  And he lives absolutely miles away, which adds to my confusion.  Why me?  Why now?  And how can I extricate myself without there being any repercussions?  Well I kind of know the answer to that one, but I don’t want to end this whatever this is completely.  Now, before anyone judges me, nothing is going on.  For a start it can’t because of the distance we’re talking here.  Also there’s the fact that we haven’t actually seen each other for eight years.  But, there kind of is something.  Well, he’s pushing for something anyway.  I liked having another friend to talk to and confide in though.  But it’s all changed since I asked The Questions.  Now I don’t know what it is I feel.  And I don’t know why I want to hide it from him, but I am angry I think.  As well as guilty (despite having done nothing). 

Here’s a question I do have though.  I understand that relationships are difficult and require work, but if there are problems that are potentially fixable, why would someone try and start an affair type thing that isn’t really an affair, instead of fixing the problems?  When The Ex and I broke up, the problems we were weren’t fixable.  I had no feelings for him anymore, and I assume he felt the same lack of anything.  He certainly acted like he felt nothing.  But even so, I think I would have felt guilty if I’d been cheating on him.  Then again maybe not.  I can never know that.  But that is something I have a problem with.  The lack of guilt this old crush claims to feel regarding what he is doing to his wife.  And even though I may still be relatively innocent here (except that I haven’t told him where to go), I feel consumed with guilt at times.  Other times it’s just the anger or confusion.  But why did he have to choose me for this?  Why couldn’t he have found someone else to do this with?  Someone else might have been far more willing to play along.  Someone else might have given him what he wanted.  And have I blown any chance of us being friends now?

If only I had known what he had meant.  If only I’d known he was being serious.  Or is he being serious?  Perhaps this whole things is just a game?  But he tells me I can trust him.  And I think I can.  He answered my questions in a manner that certainly suggests he was being honest.  He also tells me he would never hurt me.  Unfortunately I don’t see how he can avoid that.  This whole situation is hurting me.  And I am sure he doesn’t intend that, but someone always gets hurt in these situations.  I know that someone will be me.  And so maybe it is time to read through the message I’ve prepared once more.  Maybe I shall add a bit more, or take a bit out.  Maybe I shall just ask him another load of questions instead.  Or maybe I’ll do what I’ve been doing all week, and put it off for a bit longer.  I know I need to end this situation though.  It can’t go on.