Argh!

Why did I do it?  Grrr.  Why did I ask the questions?  Grrr.  Ok they needed asking.  I needed to do it for my own sanity.  And I did know before I asked that I might not be a hundred per cent happy with the response.  Grrr.  I expected the response I got though, so it’s not like it’s a huge surprise, but still.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  And one minute I’m feeling awful, guilty and miserable, and the next I’m angry and pissed off.  I’m angry with myself for letting things get to this point.  I’m angry with myself for not asking these questions sooner.  I’m angry with myself for not just trusting my instincts and running for the hills in the first place.  And yet I’m also cross with him.  He knew how I felt yet he pushed anyway.  He knew his position yet he pushed anyway.  He knows exactly what he’s done too, despite my assurances that it’s all fine.  And now I’m too much of a wimp to tell him what I’m feeling, because no matter how much of this situation is his fault, I could have said no and put an end to everything before it even started.  I could have just ceased all contact.  And I didn’t.  I could have found the answers to my questions sooner, but I didn’t.  But he shouldn’t have assured me he wouldn’t hurt me when he knew he would.  Grrrrr.  Men.  Grrrrr.  Selfish.  That’s what he was.  Selfish.  And so was I.  Maybe.  Though maybe it started as me just finding it hard to say no.  But there must have been an element of selfishness.  Or maybe I’m just a masochist?  I guess what I’m really guilty of is hope.  Hope.  It’s a dangerous thing.  I must learn not to hope anymore.  It’s never done me any good in the past.  I always end up disappointed and humiliated.  I specialise at that.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  And now I probably just seem self obsessed and morose.  Maybe I am those things too.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  But I never claimed to be a good person.  Sure I try to be nice, but a nice person wouldn’t have got herself into this situation in the first place.  I guess I just got what I deserve.

Celibacy is definitely the way forward.  But have I really learnt my lesson.  I’m possibly more insane than the rest of the world, so probably not.  I like to think I have, but The Situation might not be over yet.  It probably is though.  In a way I really hope it is.  But I’m not sure.  If he doesn’t let it go, I don’t know what I’ll actually do.  Grrrrr.  I hate feeling like this.  I really do need to learn to switch all these feelings off.  I need to become a robot I think.  Maybe then I’ll be a more rational person.  I need to stop being so sensitive anyway.

And I’m finding writing a CV nigh on impossible.  Selling myself?  Never something I’ve been any good at.  I’m too self effacing.  Maybe that’s why I’m such a sucker for flattery.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.