Fears

I’ve come to the conclusion that apart from giant mutant spiders (and admittedly the not so giant ones as well) the only thing that scares me is not being in control.  Now I’m not a controlling type person in that I don’t try to control other people.  I just need to be completely in control of me and what’s happening with me in my life.  If that makes sense.  I guess this is why I find some aspects of parenthood very stressful.  I want The Child to be her own person completely, but I just wish her presence did not limit the control I can exert on my surroundings.  Our household is our of control.  The rooms are always a mess, and though this is normal when children are present, if it’s not my own mess I do find it a little difficult to deal with.  Hmmm.  I really do need to lighten up.

Of course, the control thing feeds into other stuff as well, like my decision to never cohabit with anyone again.  I’ve done the sharing of space, and it’s just not for me.  Territorial, need to control my habitat stuff at play there.  Perhaps I’m just terrified of being hurt again.  Physically as well as emotionally.  I’m a psychoanalyst’s dream possibly.  Then again, I might not be messed up enough.  And I’m sorry to say that I don’t think any of it’s down to my parents.  I’m not actually sorry to say that of course.  It’s a good thing.  Unless you’re a psychoanalyst of the Freud ilk who likes to blame everything on the parents. 

Of course, understanding the issue is only the first step to solving the problem.  And I could be wrong.  Perhaps I’m just a big commitmentphobe.  Simple as.  I like to think that should I meet someone who’s genuinely nice and stuff, I might be able to set aside all my issues.  But knowing me I’ll just do my usual and run for the hills, just to play it safe.  I’m in no danger of meeting anyone right now though.  The only guys I know are The Ex, married, or gay.  Safe see?  Hmm.