A Confession

Ok, I am not work shy.  I have been planning to get a job when The Child starts school since before she was born.  However, I confess that for many reasons, now that the time is upon me I am terrified.  Reasons?  Well:

• I haven’t worked since I was at uni, and I only had a simple waitressing job.

Of course, that’s the reason I’m thinking a waitressing job would be perfect for now.  Of course, there might not be so many of those now that silly season’s over.  I try to be optimistic however, but it is difficult.

• I suffer from social anxiety.

Now this makes interaction with people I don’t know very difficult.  Hell, it can be tricky with people I do know at times.  I do have the self help book things to try and help me get over it, but it isn’t always easy.  And of course I worry about how this might affect my ability to get a job, as well as my ability to do the job in a manner that doesn’t make people think I’m a complete nutjob.

• I also have a tendency towards depression, though I am trying to fight it.

And as anyone who’s ever had depression can tell you, trying to feel motivated to do anything when you’re in a depression is not easy.  People are quick to judge though and it’s very unfair.  No appetite, no pleasure from anything.  Anyway, I won’t go on about it.  I do realise when I’m on a downward spiral now, and I do try and counteract it.  Doesn’t help with the attempts at optimism though.

• Although I have a degree, that guarantees nothing.

Just look at the numbers of unemployed graduates out there.  And they haven’t all been unemployed for the past four years bringing up a child.

• The Ex has always been negative about what jobs are available, and competition for these jobs.

I might just dismiss this one though, as when I mentioned I’m going to be looking soon he suddenly changed his tune.  Hmm.

• I will have to find something workable around school hours, and school holidays (six weeks at summer!  What does someone in my position do?)

Childcare is expensive.  Gingerbread have publicised the fact that working full time is pointless for a single parent.  Basically working more than twenty-four hours a week is not worth it, unless you enjoy your job, as any financial benefits that would have been obtained by extra hours suddenly disappear courtesy of childcare costs.  And childcare really isn’t cheap.  Especially if you’re on a low income.  When I had my last interview at the Jobcentre I asked about this, and it was confirmed by the Lone Parent Advisor.  Her advice was get as much help as possible from friends and family.  Fortunately I do have family nearby who can help a bit, but what about those who don’t?  I dread to think what they’re going to do.

• I’ve read too much on single parent forums.

There are many horror stories out there that I have come across while attempting to find out more information about what’s going on.  I won’t make that mistake again.  I’m not feeling so positive about anything now though.  Pushy, insensitive Jobcentre employees (admittedly I’d hate that job), a lack of available jobs that are workable hours, in some cases even a lack of childcare.  At least there will be childcare options available to me, even if I will struggle to afford them.

• The knowledge that if I don’t find a job by July, due to government cuts, The Child and I are as good as homeless.  And that’s even if The Ex starts paying his maintenance again.

This one just scares the living daylights out of me to be honest, and I’ll try and forget about at now or I won’t sleep.

 

Anyway, the basic thing here is that I need a job ASAP.  Childcare?  Hmm.  I’ll find the money somewhere, because The Child is a bit of a handful for my parents to manage for too long.  I only hope I manage to find a decent enough part-time job that gives me between sixteen and twenty-four hours a week, but no more than that, and is within school hours.  Oh yeah, and is preferably waitressing.  I really am trying to think positively, but when you get lovely people who know nothing of people in my situation (the judgemental twats who don’t bother finding out the facts that is) it doesn’t actually help with the motivation, as it makes people like me feel even worse.  Of course there are those out there who will fight their corner.  I try to, but from a more apologetic, please listen to me kind of place.  Anyway, I’m not sure I’m making any sense, so I think I’ll go now.