Am I Really to Blame for Everything?

Another run in with The Ex.  These really are getting all too common.  This one was one of the bad ones where I was left feeling scared though.  I hate that he can still make me feel like that.  I hate feeling so vulnerable.  And it leaves me feeling just a little bit pathetic.  We split up almost four years ago now.  How can he still make me feel so small?  I’m pretty sure I’m not the evil harridan he makes me out to be though.  I hope I’m not otherwise I’m one hell of a megabitch.  I don’t want to be a megabitch.  I usually try to be polite and inoffensive.  Yes I’m painfully shy, but that’s as close as I come to being rude.  I can be snappy with people I’m close to when I’m tired or ill or stressed, but that still doesn’t make me a she devil does it?  I am only human after all.  But when he starts screaming at me that I said this or I said that, he won’t let me defend myself.  I’ll try and explain that he’s twisting my words, or taken something out of context, or made it up completely, but he just won’t listen.  And he gets nastier and nastier.  Maybe I am just pathetic.  But I bounce back now.  It’s easier to when you don’t live with it.  I’m just glad my parents were there to help me get out when I did.

So, I know that I’m not really to blame for everything.  It’s when he’s on the attack that it’s difficult to see sense.  And even when I can see sense, it’s almost impossible to get the point across, as he just won’t listen.  He’ll talk over me when I’m trying to explain, and then get cross with me for saying nothing.  He won’t accept that I had tried to say something.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.  I think I need to move away from him really if things are going to get bad like this.  But I wouldn’t know where to go.  And he’d never forgive me if I moved away with The Child.  I have to think about her though, and this situation is not good for her at all.  Especially as he knows where we live.  And I have reason to think he still looks at my diary, and/or my phone.  He knows some personal things I haven’t told him about.  I really don’t like him very much right now.  Hmm.